


Paper Minds

by kuresoto



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Feelings, Force Bond (Star Wars), I guess you could say this is a Slow Burn since they won't meet face to face for a long time, Misunderstandings, Slow Burn, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2018-10-27 21:28:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 44,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10817106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuresoto/pseuds/kuresoto
Summary: He was like a piece of paper - a blank slate, easily influenced by external forces. Impressionable. As a child, he was easy to mold into anything anyone wanted. As an adult, he was like a frequently crushed ball of paper; full of creases and wrinkles along with some tears. Some due to himself and some from others.-At the age of five, Ben Solo built his first droid. At the age of ten, he manifested and started to see her everywhere. At the age of eleven, he was sent to train with Luke. He still saw her. When he was fifteen, she disappeared. He was twenty-three when he left Ben Solo behind and became someone who wouldn’t trust blindly ever again. He became Kylo Ren. He meets her for the first time when he’s on the cusp of turning thirty.These were the events that shaped Ben Solo and in turn, Kylo Ren.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this since the beginning of the year and since it's May 4th, it seems like an appropriate time to post! It's all very subtle Reylo, _if any_ , due to it being like a soulmate AU. I tried making it as canon compliant as possible with what current solid information we have; everything else is headcanons I have knocking around. ~~lmfao when Aftermath: Empire's End came out, I had to fucking go back and change shit fml~~
> 
> Thank you so much to [politicalmamaduck](https://politicalmamaduck.tumblr.com/), my amazing beta and [alphabetizingsins](http://alphabetizingsins.tumblr.com/) for listening and helping with random HCs. Both of you really have helped with this whole fic ♥

He squeezed his eyes so tightly that his vision blurred as he hid behind her, hands grasping the soft material of her pants and pushing his face into the back of her knees. He hated it when she brought him to work, but his mom was called in at the last minute on their day together. He groaned, pressing his forehead into her legs and hoped that they could go back home soon.

“Shhhh,” Leia whispered, hand reaching behind her. She carded her fingers through his short black curls, rubbing circles into his scalp. “Just a bit longer, then we’ll go back home.”

The noise hurt his head. From the corner of his eye, he tried to find the source of the noise but all he saw were a bunch of people in fancy clothes, similar to the ones his mom was wearing. They conversed in low tones, nowhere near loud enough to cause the buzzing or the throbbing in his temple. Sometimes he would hear words, other times his stomach would just drop as his head felt like it would explode.

It hurt.

His mom’s gentle massage helped him slightly, but he still counted the seconds until he could return to the tranquility of his home.

Ben sighed.

He hated his mom’s work.

-

“I’m sorry about earlier, Ben.”

Ben kept his head down and eyes on his bowl before him. He nodded slightly and spooned more of the mixture into his mouth. A soft thumb rubbed some residue that dripped from the corner of his mouth, tilting his head up to look at his mother.

“I’m sorry,” Leia repeated, eyes subdued and lips in a slight frown. “I know how long you’ve been waiting for today and I ruined it by taking you into work this morning.”

Ben pulled his face from her grasp and stared at his bowl once more. “It’s fine,” he mumbled.

“Does your head still hurt?”

He shook his head slightly. “It’s better now that we’re home. It’s quieter here.”

Leia smiled. “That’s good. Finish your soup and we can go to the markets your father told you about.”

It had been a whole month since his father mentioned the droid markets, a long month of waiting patiently for his mother to have a free day to take him. Normally, his father would have taken him, but it had been so long since Ben had a day alone with his mother, so he was beyond ecstatic when she promised to take him to the markets herself.

With his hand firmly in Leia’s grasp, finally being able to see the market and all its colors was enough to bring a wide smile to his face. He didn’t remember the last time he was this excited. The markets were different to the Coruscant markets; there were different species no matter where he looked, but the stalls seemed brighter. Electronics and droid parts catching the artificial light made the markets only gleam to his eyes.

“Which one do you want to go to first?” Leia asked, keeping him close.

The sheer amount of stalls before him would have been overwhelming if Ben wasn’t buzzing with excitement. Choosing a random stall in a random direction, Ben pulled Leia towards one that sold processor cartridges.

“What are you looking for, Miss?” Ben let out the breath he was holding at the shopkeeper’s question. He was glad that the shopkeeper didn’t seem to know who his mother was; he couldn’t help but feel annoyance whenever people spoke to his mother at the Coruscant markets and forced her to speak about her work. The pain in his head always started whenever anyone spoke to his mother about her work.

“Something simple for my son to work with, but challenging at the same time. It’s his first droid.”

“Ah, how about…”

As the stall owner and his mother discussed processors and hard drives, Ben tuned out the conversation, head turning towards the markets’ long path that disappeared beyond his view. He tilted his head to the side. The tug and the pull to whatever was down the path was small and insignificant so he directed his attention back to the various drives on display at a nearby stall.

The whole day passed by without Ben noticing. Next thing he knew, the lights had dimmed down to an artificial night sky. Even though it was fake, the brightness of the stars had been tweaked so they twinkled vividly, small glittering specks draping over the markets. They had purchased everything needed for him to build a droid, from the software to the processing units to the outer body casing.

“Is there anything else you want to look at before we head back home? Your father and uncle Chewie should be back soon,” Leia commented, stuffing the receipts from their purchases into her wallet.

“Mmmm,” he hummed, eyes flickering to the store at the far end of the markets. They had bought everything needed to build a droid so there wasn’t any reason for Ben to still think about the stall. Yet it tugged at the corner of his mind. “That one?”

“Okay, let’s go check it out then!” Hand in hand, Leia guided him to the store tucked in the corners of the droid market. While most stores were manned by beings, this one was owned by a golden droid. Its head whirred at them and beeped out some binary. “It said that this is a knick-knack store. It’s not exactly a supply store but people sometimes find rare items that they wouldn’t normally want to buy,” she translated, hands running over the small trinkets that scattered the table. “Is there anything here that interests you?”

Being a short five year old, Ben stood on the tips of his toes to get a better look at what was offered. The items strewn on display looked like every other store they had been to; nothing piqued his interest. His brow furrowed, confused as to why he was so fixated on this stall from the moment they entered the droid markets. He looked at the droid; it looked like it had seen better days. Its visual receptors were rusting on the edges and the golden casing of its body had dulled into a soft yellow. Nowhere near as bright as Threepio. Shaking his head in disappointment, he turned to his mother. “No, there’s nothing here.”

Leia smiled politely at the droid and started towards the docks where their ship was. Ben lingered a few steps behind her and caught a few beeps the droid let out before he got too far. He had only started learning binary and droid speak, clumsy in understanding beeps from the droids that they kept at home but the small beeps the golden droid let out was clear as the sun to him.

‘ _My stall will always be here if you decide to return and find anything of interest_.’

-

“Uncle Luke!”

“Hey there, little Ben!” Luke smiled and pulled Ben into a big hug, lifting him up so he sat on his shoulders.

“I’m not little! One day, I’ll be bigger than you or even Uncle Chewie!” Ben pouted and tugged on Luke’s hair.

“Ow! Hey now, it won’t be hard to be bigger than me but Uncle Chewie might give you a run for your credits,” laughed Luke as Chewie roared in agreement.

“Hey kid, get off Luke’s shoulders. Your weight will make him shorter than he already is,” Han said, joining the group in the dining room with Leia next to him. Pulling Ben from Luke’s shoulders, Han hooked onto Ben’s knees and swung him around, the child’s body flopping back and waving his arms wildly.

Leia smacked Han’s shoulder. “Put him down or he’ll feel too sick for dinner.”

“Alright, alright.” Han lowered Ben and ruffled his hair. “How were the droid markets?”

“Great! Mom let me buy the specifics for a Class Two droid!”

Han raised a brow and turned to Leia. “Did she now?”

“You know how natural my family is with droids. Luke was building droids when he was Ben’s age, ” Leia said, helping Ben into his seat. “Besides, it’ll be a good challenge for him since he’s already ahead of children his age. There’s only so much we can teach him before he gets bored.”

“Hmm, maybe he can come with me on a routine run-”

“No,” both Leia and Luke said simultaneously with Chewie shaking his head along with them.

“Joking, I’m only joking,” he laughed with his hands up in defence.

“Wha do you mea’, Da?” Ben asked with a mouth full of lettuce.

“Eat properly, kid. And I’ll tell you when you’re older so your Mom and Uncle doesn’t have a heart attack.”

“Well, it’ll be better than going with mom to work,” Ben muttered, lips drawn into a pout.

Han frowned. “Head still hurting?” Ben nodded. “Well, if I had to spend any time with those boring politicians, my head would hurt too.” Ben’s shoulders relaxed at his comment.

“Han,” Leia said, warning clear in her voice.

“What? It’s true.”

She sighed. “It’s not my fault. I barely get to spend any time with Ben so if taking him with me to work means I can see him every day, then so be it.”

“It’s not what the kid wants though, Leia.”

Leia huffed. “Well, I’m certainly not going to let you take him with you to work.”

“I know, it’s just maybe you should consider cutting your hours at work.”

As the conversation became heated, Ben hunched into his chair, nudging his food with his spoon whilst trying to not make a sound. How silly of him to bring up his mom’s work. He knew whenever he mentioned his head or his mom’s work, his parents would always get into an argument. Now was no different. It wasn’t a very loud argument but he could sense the displeasure from both of them.

“Hey now, let’s not talk about Leia’s work at dinner. It’s not the best topic for any time, really,” Luke cut in, catching Ben’s eye and sending him a reassuring smile.

Ben sighed softly, happy that his parents would stop.

“What about you, Luke?” Leia asked. “How are your plans coming along?”

“Well, I’m still looking for a planet to set up shop. Hopefully I can find one soon. Maybe Ben could even spend some time with me when he manifests.”

“That’s _if_ he manifests,” Han pointed out, jabbing his fork at Luke.

“It’s only a matter of time if he can sense people’s emotions. He’s excelled in learning and is going to start building a Class Two droid as his first. There’s no denying that he will manifest eventually.”

Crossing his arms, Han grunted. “I guess. Not that I’ll like it.”

“Don’t worry, Han. We still have a few years with our baby Ben.” Leia leaned over and squeezed Han’s shoulder.

“I’m not a baby! Like Uncle Luke said, I’m going to build a Class Two droid already!” Ben piped up, determined to show the adults his maturity.

“Okay but until the parts get delivered tomorrow, you will still be our baby Ben.”

-

Ben had to admit, with the various items laid out before him, boxes of different equipment and parts to the side, he didn’t know where to start. He held up the Class Two droid info booklet, flipping through the pages to find the introduction.

‘ _Just open any box and start from there._ ’

Ben’s head whipped up and glanced around. He thought he was alone in his room and yet the voice sounded like it came from next to him. Standing up, he did a full round of his room and came up empty. When he sat down again, his hand reached for the nearest box and opened, just how the voice instructed. Ben harrumphed. He wasn’t following the voice, it was just common sense and he would have done the same even without the prompt.

Inside the box were parts for the droid casing. Instead of buying one that was readymade, Ben insisted on getting the raw parts to build the entire thing from scratch. His mother had sighed but didn’t object, picking a standard Class Two droid model and asking for the parts to be delivered separately.

With numerous boxes around him, he started removing each box’s contents and laying it before him neatly. This was just one of many boxes that contained the outer casing, much less the internal components. It was big job ahead of him, but the challenge only made him more excited if he completed it.

‘ _Not if. When_.’

This time, Ben didn’t startle at the comment echoing in his head. He nodded in agreement, assuming it was just his subconscious giving him the confidence boost he needed.

-

“Happy birthday to Ben, happy birthday to you!” Ben smiled meekly at the crowd of adults surrounding him and blew out the candles, not wanting them to wait any longer for the cake.

As his mother took slid the cake towards her to cut, Uncle Lando spoke up. “Hey, Ben, what’s that next to you?”

“This?” Ben asked, pointing to the hollow barrel like object with a dome on top of it. “This is my droid! It hasn’t got a name since I haven’t figured out its programming yet.”

“So, it’s just an empty droid at the moment? Huh, I wonder how Artoo feels about that.” As if on cue, Artoo beeped and nudged the empty droid with a _thunk_. Lando laughed. “Doesn’t seem like he’s overly thrilled about it.”

“Well, Artoo will have to deal with it! Artoo,” Ben started, turning to the blue and white droid. “I modelled it after you, so you should feel flattered!” Artoo beeped and swivelled its head around in excitement.

“You’re six now, Ben? I must admit, that’s pretty impressive that you want to build something like this so young.”

“Well, Uncle Luke was building droids when he was my age and even Mom said that it runs in the family!”

Lando turned to Leia with a cocked brow. “She said that, did she?”

“Ben needs a challenge. He’s already surpassed his peers in his curriculum,” Leia commented, passing out plates of cake to everyone. “He’s a good kid and deserves a droid of his own. Don’t you?”

Ben nodded happily, his hair flopping up and down with a mouthful of cake. At the mention of the other children, he tried to not think about how he used to play with them, hair mussed with dirt smudged on his face. It already felt like a lifetime since they stopped talking to him, accusing him for boasting when he advanced far ahead in his studies, faster and further than they had.

“Hey kid, no need to make a mess now,” Han said as he licked his thumb and swiped the smear of cream from the corner of Ben’s mouth. “Should we put the droid back in your room for dinner?”

“No! It’s my only friend! I want it to stay with me for dinner!”

Luke, standing next to Han, exchanged looks with the others. “But Ben, you haven’t programmed it yet, so it doesn't really make a difference if it’s at dinner. ”

“Even if there’s no programming, it still talks to me!”

Lando’s brows disappeared into his hairline. “Does it now?”

“Not often, but often enough for it to be my friend! And it’s more of a friend than any of the other kids could be.” As if to prove a point, Ben leaned over and hugged the empty barrel. “It’s going to become part of the family, just like Artoo and Threepio.”

“Well I say, Master Ben, that is a very noble gesture. I simply cannot wait for your droid to join Artoo and I!” Threepio looked at Artoo expectantly, earning a few beeps in response. “See, even Artoo agrees.”

“Alright, alright, the droid stays. It’s good thing we’re staying at home to eat.” Han pulled Ben from his seat and handed him to Chewbacca. “We’ve got a surprise for you so let’s hustle.” Chewie roared and tossed Ben onto his back.

‘ _Don’t leave me._ ’

Looking back, Ben called out to whoever was listening. “Can you make sure it comes along?” Ben asked, pointing at his empty droid.

“Of course we’ll bring it along.” Luke looked at Leia, a slight frown tugging at the corner of his mouth as he bent down to carry the droid.

-

With his tongue between his teeth, Ben carefully inserted the last data chip into his droid. The moment the panel was put back in place, the droid lit up and beeped merrily. After almost three years of trial and error, his droid was complete. “Yes! You can talk! Now everyone will be able to hear you! Wait until I show Mom and Dad!”

Jumping to his feet, the small boy of almost eight years ran to his parents’ room. It was one of the rare days where both his parents were at home. More often than not, one of them would be absent from their home, but not today.

As he neared the their bedroom, Ben’s feet slowed down and stopped just outside the entrance. He placed his hand on the smooth door and pushed it slightly, not wanting to startle them. With the door slightly ajar, however, the conversation between the two adults floated to his ears without obstruction.

“You need to spend more time with him.”

“The same goes for you.”

“I’m making an honest living while you keep gallivanting through the galaxy!”

“Leia, my work may not be the most honest but at least I’m upfront about it. The New Republic? Regardless of what name you put on it, there’s nothing honest about it.”

“There is! I am trying to rebuild what is left of the Republic and make sure the Empire doesn’t somehow rise again!”

“But at what cost, Leia? You either leave Ben at home or take him with you to the Senate. You know he hears the voices even more when he’s near those politicians.”

“What about you? You just leave him with his droid when you’re meant to be looking after him! He doesn’t have any friends, Han!”

“Did you think getting him a droid would solve that?”

“You! You were the one who told him about the droid market!”

Before he could listen to any more of his parents’ fight, Ben ran back to his room as fast as his feet could carry him. He slammed the door, not caring if they heard, and angrily paced the room. The droid beeped at him. “No, I’m not okay! Mom and Dad keep fighting and they keep bringing up that I don’t have friends! It’s not my fault that the other kids are stupid! It’s not my fault that they think that I’m weird! It’s not my fault that my ears are big!” He frantically tucked his hair over his ears, palms flattening his hair in an attempt to make his ears smaller. The droid beeped sadly at him and nudged his knee. “I-It’s not my fault,” he sobbed, tears obscuring his vision and rolling down his cheeks. His nose began to dribble.

‘ _Shhh, hush child. There’s no need to be making a fuss over what others think_.’

Sniffling, Ben looked at his droid with watery eyes. “What did you say?” The droid beeped in confusion. Ben wiped his face with his sleeve, not caring that his sweater was getting dirty. “No, you told me to be shush.” The droid beeped again, swiveling it’s head as if to say ‘no’.

‘ _I’m not the droid. I’m someone who cares about you, cares about you more than you can imagine_.’

“W-Who are you? Where are you? What do you want?”

‘ _I’ve been with you for years_.’

Ben whimpered and backed himself into a corner, the feel of the solid wall startling him and reassuring him at the same time. “Please, leave me alone.”

‘ _If that is what you wish, I’ll leave you alone. But when you need me, you need only ask_.’

He wrapped his arms around his knees and hugged himself tightly. With his temple propped against his knees, he cried softly, too scared to make a noise to bring attention to himself. He didn’t know how to explain what he just heard to his parents.

The droid beeped once more.

“So, it wasn’t you?” he whispered, head still down. The droid whirred. “Kriff, I really hoped it was you and not another voice.”

-

A week passed before he was able to bring it up with his parents. He played with his hands, wringing his fingers in a state of worry and panic as he cleared his throat at dinner. It seemed like they would only have a meal together once a week; _one_ meal, not a day of meals, and he didn’t want to bring up topics that would cause a scene but he was at his wits end.

“Mom? Dad?” His parents looked at him with degrees of question on their faces. “I-I need your help.” Without waiting for their response, he continued. “I keep hearing the voices. They’re scaring me. I-I’m afraid. I don’t know what to do. They talk to me directly now.” He stared at his plate before him and couldn’t help notice how badly his hands were shaking.

“Directly at you?” Leia asked, eyes of worry as Ben nodded. “I’m going to call Luke.”

As Leia left the table, Han got up and kneeled before his son. “Ben, look at me.” His lips twitched into an unsure smile as he held Ben. “It’ll be alright. This is perfectly normal for your kind.”

“M-My kind?”

“Yeah. Your mom and uncle will help you out. You see Ben, you’re very special. Special like your mom and special like your uncle.”

Ben titled his head to the side. “But not you?”

Laughing, Han pulled him into a hug. “No, not like me but if you ever decide to be like me, let me know. I’ll stop whatever Force nonsense they throw at you.”

Being held in his father’s arms calmed him somewhat, the familiar smell of sandalwood that he would forever associate with his father placating him. Closing his eyes, he thought back to what Han had said. The Force. He wasn’t familiar with the term, only hearing it in snippets every now and then from the voices that surrounded the people his mother worked with. His father didn’t seem overly enthusiastic about it but there wasn’t any animosity towards the term; only skepticism.

“Promise?” he asked quietly.

“Promise.”

-

“Ben?” The boy looked at his uncle at the sound of his name. “Besides hearing voices, have you noticed anything else unusual?”

“Unusual how?”

“Like, hovering or moving objects? Sensing things before they come? Things like that?”

Thinking hard, Ben shook his head. “No, nothing like that.”

Luke hummed and got up from his squat. “It’s okay, Ben,” he said, massaging the boy’s head. “When your powers manifest, everything will make sense.”

Ben didn’t know if he wanted them to manifest.

-

“H-Hello?” Ben was met with silence in his dark room. “I-I’d like you to come back now.”

He had thought long and hard about this, turning over scenario after scenario in his mind before even considering reaching out to the strange voice he encountered a month ago. Burying himself deeper into his blankets, he tried once more.

“I was told that I’ll understand when I manifest, but I’ve been reading the history of The Force and I don’t know if I want to manifest.”

More silence.

“The Jedi,” he continued, not caring if anyone was listening or not. “My uncle is a Jedi. He’s nice and told me that I will go to him when I manifest and learn how to be a Jedi and about the Force.” He paused, gnawing on his bottom lip before tugging the blankets over his head. “But I don’t want to leave my parents. I read that the children who went to train to be Jedi left their families for years. I don’t want that to happen.” Ben tossed and turned and screamed into his pillow. “I don’t want to leave them! I don’t even get to see them as it is!”

When no one responded, he sulked into the night. Exhaustion from his mind going into overdrive and the constant worry made his lids heavy, sleep ebbing into his mind and sending him into the land of dreams.

In his last moments of consciousness, he heard the soft whispers of the voice once more.

‘ _Be strong and perhaps you can save your family_.’

-

Months passed and the topics of the Jedi and the Force were not mentioned to him again. He was confused at first, but when the voice returned, he sighed and accepted his fate.

‘ _Manifestation. That’s what they’re waiting for_.’

The voice was as infrequent as it had always been. “Well, what happens if I never manifest?”

‘ _With your lineage, you will manifest. It’s only a matter of time_.’

Ben harrumphed. “I read that Jedi younglings trained as young as four years old. I’m almost nine and all I have to show for my ‘Force powers’ is hearing people’s thoughts and feelings.”

‘ _I thought you did not want to manifest_.’

“I don’t! Not if it means I have to leave my family! But the waiting is killing me!” Ben sighed and went back to reprogramming his droid. Every now and then when there was a new software on the market, he would try to replicate the program with the spare parts he had, determined to counter the need to buy new updates. “It’s making my parents’ relationship hard too.”

‘ _How so?_ ’

“Mom seems to be determined to train my abilities while Dad doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. All they seem to do is fight these days. If I knew all they would do is fight then I wouldn’t have told them about the voices.”

‘ _Do you think I am bad?_ ’

“What? No. Maybe. I don’t know. You haven’t really done anything to make me think that you’re bad.”

‘ _That’s good. I’m only trying to help._ ’

“Maybe you can! Do you know any way I can manifest faster? Or better yet, teach me Jedi tricks so that I won’t fall behind when I do manifest!”

‘ _I am unable to help you manifest and I am but a mere voice, not a Jedi. But when you do come into your powers, I can help guide you to become stronger. Stronger so that younglings and Jedi won’t even think twice about you manifesting late. So strong that they would feel like they were the ones who arrived late, not you._ ’

“Yes, I would like that very much. I want to be powerful to protect my family.”

-

“Happy birthday to Ben, happy birthday to you!” Unlike his birthday all those years ago, his mother and their droids were the only ones surrounding him. “Make a wish!”

He tried to smile, but it was obvious that it didn’t reach his eyes. His mother’s smile didn’t reach to her eyes either, annoyance rolling off her. But not at him, at his father. She probably felt just as much disappointment as he did for not showing up. Squeezing his eyes shut, Ben focused on a wish.

‘Manifest! Manifest so I can keep my family together!’ he thought, repeating his wish over and over again before blindly blowing out the candles.

“Good work, Ben! Here.” Leia set two plates before them and handed him a knife. “Cut as big of a piece you want. You’re ten now, that’s basically a teenager.”

This time the grin that pulled at his lips was genuine. With his tongue sticking out, Ben carved a large slice of cake and plopped it unceremoniously on one of the plates. He looked at his mother in question.

“Oh no, a smaller slice for me,” she laughed, placing forks next to their plates. “That’s good.”

Ben hummed, the soft sponge and the sweet cream easing his emotions into a soft thrum. “Mom,” he started.

“Yes, honey?”

“What happens if I never manifest?”

“Then that’s fine, sweetheart.”

“Hmm, but it looked like you and uncle Luke would be disappointed.”

“It doesn’t matter what we want. We’ll all love you whether or not you become a Jedi.”

“But you think I will manifest?” A nod. “Why? Are you a Jedi?”

Leia laughed. “Oh no, I never properly trained. I chose to stay in politics and change the world through legislation. The Jedi are more of an army, of sorts, fighters who stop evil from taking over.”

“I don’t understand. Maybe I can manifest and not train, like you?”

“What would you do if you didn’t become a Jedi? Being around the Senate gave you headaches and hearing their thoughts would make them distrustful of you.”

“Mmm,” he hummed, sucking on his fork in thought. “I could become a smuggler like dad?”

“Absolutely not.”

Ben whined. “But mom! What else could I be?”

Leia sighed and got up, moving around the table so that she knelt before him like she had done so many times before. “When you manifest, you’ll know what you want to do. If you never manifest, then you’ll eventually feel it in your heart. Believe in the Force and your answers will come to you.” She smiled and hugged him tightly. “My baby boy is growing up if he’s thinking of the future like this.”

“Mom!” Ben blushed and struggled to escape her clutch, only for her to tighten her hold around him. He blew out a small puff of defeat and snuggled in her arms, grateful for the few moments he had with either of his parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Age: 5-10years


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for everyone who took the time to read this fic! Hopefully it lives up to everyone's expectations....It's only going to get more sad from here on out rip

He would never forget the day he manifested.

It felt like the sun and moon collided within his mind, a supernova of clarity easing through a muddied galaxy. Blinded by whiteness, he squinted through the light and saw an island surrounded by a large ocean that stretched beyond the horizon. It was like he was really there. He wiggled his toes and relished at the soft sand that tickled his feet. A baby’s cry tore through his mind, his head turning around frantically to find the source but found none.

His wide eyes stared into the darkness of his bedroom, mouth open in a silent scream until he realised he wasn’t dreaming. He closed his dry mouth and blinked furiously. What did he see? What was that island? And that cry? Of a baby? So many questions fired through his brain. He sat up and cupped his temple, fingers rubbing at his forehead, trying to make sense of everything.

Then something white caught the corner of his eye. “Wait!” He scrambled out of bed, almost tripping over his sheets as he tried to catch the object. He stuck his head out of his room and saw nothing, only the empty hallways of his home. “What?” Ben whispered, wondering if he was finally losing it. Just as he turned back to his room, the light teased him once more. It was like an ankle of a person, disappearing around the corner.

Without sparing another thought, he chased after the person, desperate to find out who it was. Through the household he ran, always catching their ankle or a fluttering piece of their clothes as they rounded a corner. It was deep into the night and there was no one around; the droids had powered down for the night and his parents asleep in their room. Despite being a completely ventilated and warm home, a frigid chill swept over him, teeth chattering at the uncharacteristic coldness. He rubbed his arms, the friction between his hands and soft pajamas doing little to help his pimpling skin.

“W-Wait.” The word came out stuttered and weak, his cold breath tickling his nose.

As he collapsed on the ground of the living room where his droid sat against the charging bay, he felt his energy seeping out of him each second he lay curled on the carpet. His eyes slipped shut. He was so tired from chasing the being and the coldness made his exhaustion hit him like a Wampa. It would be easier if he just rested, sleep the night away and let his parents deal with it in the morning.

Something tickling his feet roused him from his microsleep. He peeled his eyes open with much struggle and blearily looked up. He should have been afraid; this being, whatever it was, sapped the energy from him and turned his home into an ice box. As if hearing his thoughts, it shook its head, white fabric dancing around the white blur that was its upper body. With his vision clearing, Ben tried to make out its face or clothes - anything that could help identify the entity - but all he could make out was bright light obscuring its face.

It moved past him, gracefully stepping over his limbs, making its way towards his droid propped against the far wall. Ben’s heart lept to his throat, unreasonable fear washing over him as the light neared his droid. “No,” he whispered, arm reaching out for his droid. He craned his neck, his body experiencing a rush of heat despite the cold as he flexed his fingers, his digits splayed at different angles. He didn’t know what he was trying to do or what he was hoping to achieve; he just hoped that his reaching would somehow activate his droid to run away and get help.

What happened instead made his mouth become brittle, slack jawed as he watched in horror. Instead of activating, his droid imploded. It seemed as if everything happened in slow motion. For a split second, the droid lit up, beeping frantically with its head whirring before parts of it started to cave in on itself. It was like the metal plating that made up the droid’s body became weak like paper, panel after panel fracturing and crinkling onto itself. The droid let out a high pitched screech before being abruptly cut off, the buzzing silence becoming unbearable to Ben’s ears.

It happened so fast. One moment, his droid was intact and the next, crumpled into a small ball. The bright being had whipped around, ignoring the carnage behind it and stared at him. A soft whistle broke the silence and the being was gone. All he could do was blink, body wrecked and weary that he didn’t noticed the pitter patter of footsteps running towards him.

“Ben!”

He didn’t know who lifted him up or who cradled him. He couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down his face, eyes staring at the metal ball that was once his beloved droid lying on the ground, abandoned and broken. “I-I didn’t mean to!” he wailed, watching a spark sizzle and fly from the orb every now and then. “I wanted it to get away from the light but it just became like that!” Someone shushed and whispered sweet reassurances into his ear, a hand rubbing his back and drawing hiccups from him.

“I didn’t mean to,” he repeated once more, lids becoming heavy. “The light made me do it,” he muttered before succumbing to slumber.

-

“Ben, what happened?”

“It was the light. It made me do it.”

A sigh and a shuffling of feet. “Ben, what do you mean by ‘the light’?”

“It was a light. That’s all I remember.” A hum. “Mom? Dad? Uncle Luke? Did I do something bad?”

“No, honey. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s okay.”

-

Ben stared at the boxes neatly stacked before him. It was just like it was all those years ago when he built his first droid, except it was different this time. He was different this time.

One by one, he opened the boxes and like before, he laid out the contents neatly before him. In rows of two, he took in the various parts needed to build another droid. This time, he was going to start with the internal components rather than the exterior shell. He picked up a smaller box made of plastic and tried to pry it open. He tried and tried, fingers starting to throb from running them under the lip of the box.

“Ah!” He sucked on his finger, tongue pressed against his skin in hopes to stop the bleeding. He glared at the box and looked around for something sharp to cut the box.

‘ _Just use your powers_.’

Ben froze. After weeks and weeks of silence, the voice was back. “No, I don’t want to.”

‘ _But you don’t have any scissors in your room and it’ll be easier to just crush it open_.’

“NO!” Jumping to his feet, he ran out of his room to the kitchen, taking a pair of scissors from the drawer and then running back. He sat down with a pout and opened the box neatly, the blade running across the leaflets and pulling the lid back. “I don’t need to listen to you. Where were you when I needed you?”

‘ _Child, I am not actually there or with you all the time_.’

Unable to think of a reply, Ben frowned and got to work with the processing unit. By the end of the hour, an intricate power board balanced between Ben's small fingers. He turned over the the board and studied the finite ridges and grooves, unable to stop himself from muttering, “Do you think the light was bad?”

‘ _I was not there, so I did not see this light that startled you_.’

“But do you think it's bad?”

‘ _Do you?_ ’

With a screwdriver still clutched in his hand, Ben rested his cheek on his propped leg. “I don’t know,” he mumbled, palms becoming clammy from the question alone. “It made me do bad things.”

‘ _What did it make you do?_ ’

“It,” he paused, mouth pulled to the side in thought. “It made me destroy my droid.”

‘ _It told you to?_ ’

“Well, no. I was trying to activate my droid so it could get away.”

‘ _How did you try to activate it?_ ’

“I…” Ben turned his head and rubbed his eyes into the curve of his knee, the hard surface digging into his sockets. “I don’t know. My hand was reaching for it, as if I could turn it on by my will but I destroyed it instead. I hate this!” he screamed into his leg. “I hate the Force! I don’t like it! It made me do bad things! It made Mom and Dad look at me weird! Even Uncle Luke didn’t look happy!”

‘ _If you destroyed the droid by accident, then wouldn’t you want to control your abilities so it doesn’t happen again? Hone your powers so nothing will ever happen again unless you will it_.’

“I don’t want to!”

‘ _But you already are_.’

Ben let out a shout, bringing his other leg up and jumping to his feet. “I...I…” No matter how much he tried, he couldn’t get the words out. He stared at the floating screwdriver, pivoting on its axis, tightening the bolt of the processing unit. When had he stopped holding onto it? Was he controlling it?

‘ _Your emotions are controlling it, but with time, you will be able to command the Force like so many before you._ ’

He swallowed, teeth gnawing on the inside of his mouth. Between the voice echoing in his skull and the white being that danced before him weeks ago, he felt helpless. He just wanted to be a normal boy with normal talents and normal abilities; he just wanted to be someone whose parents loved and were proud to call their own.

-

‘ _What are you looking at?’_

“N-Nothing.”

-

“Luke wishes he could be here for this, kid, but he’s currently tied up with something. Don't worry, he'll help you eventually-Hey, you listening to me?”

“What? Yeah, Luke can't come.”

“What's behind me that's more interesting than your old man?”

“Nothing.”

-

Clear waters. Cool breeze with a tang of salt. An island. Green. So much green. Pebbled beaches. Buildings in the distance. Tall, high rise buildings. Waves. Light. A girl.

Ben sat up with a gasp, heart racing and throat tightening as the remains of his dream slipped away. With his hand pressed against his cheek, he closed his eyes; even in the darkness behind his lids, he still saw flashes of the bright silhouette of a girl. She looked older than him, from he could make out. He swallowed. Who?

_Beep! Beep, beep, beep!_

Ben turned to his droid briefly - his _second_ one - and buried his face into the blankets. “Nothing. It’s nothing.”

-

“Happy birthday to Ben, happy birthday to you!”

Laughter and smiles from his mother and Chewbacca, overdramatic laughter as if to ignore the absence of Dad and Uncle Luke. “Holo time! Chewie, do you mind?”

The skin of his cheek stretched along with his mouth but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. His hands clenched and unclenched by his sides, his forefinger rubbing into his thumb occasionally. He didn’t need to look at his mom kneeling next to him to know that her smile didn’t reach her eyes either. Whether it was specifically because of work or because of Dad, he didn’t know and he didn’t want to think further.

Chewbacca let out a low roar and passed the small holoprojector to Leia. Chewing his lip, Ben looked over Leia’s shoulder at the blue tinged projection. Leia and himself smiled back at him, happily to the common observer until as quickly as it came, the holo fizzled momentarily before resuming its uninterrupted state.

Ben blinked once, twice and rubbed his eyes, grabbing the disk with his shaking hands. “D-Did you see that?” He waited and waited, the holo playing on repeat in the standard continuous manner all holos did.

“What? What did you see, honey?”

His eyes fixated on the transparent image, waiting for the picture to cut out and show him the white figure that had been haunting him for a year. “Nothing. It must have been my imagination. Don’t worry about it,” he mumbled, still waiting for the figure that would not appear.

-

Days turned into weeks, then into months. Time became nothing more but a fleeting thought at the back of his mind, something of which he barely took notice.  His mind was too preoccupied with finding the figure who teased him. The sightings were brief and far between; whole moon cycles passed before Ben caught another glimpse of her. He was certain the being was a female; he could never properly see her face but the feeling that came with her put him at ease. As startling as it was to see someone that no one else could, he couldn’t help but seek her out. She always wandered in the corners of his mind. He always kept her in his thoughts, eager to find out who she was but at the same time, grateful that she hadn’t done anything sudden. Never speaking or interacting directly with him, always just the calming presence that kept him distracted from the looks his parents gave him, from the disapproval in the voice that still spoke to him, and from the possibility that he was becoming undone by the Force.

There were times where he would wake up with a scream, body drenched in sweat as the last of his dreams ebbed from his memory banks. He was certain that he could see her clearly in his dreams but the harder he tried to recall her image, the faster it seemed to slip away.

‘ _Think harder. Concentrate! Find the girl!_ ’

The voice was becoming more persistent, the deep reverberation whispering in his head with a tinge of annoyance. “Take a look if you don’t believe me!” Ben snapped one day, tired of the voice’s consistent nagging.

‘ _If you insist_.’

He barely felt it. It didn’t hurt, a tingling sensation rolling down his back the only indication that the voice followed through with it’s words. Suddenly, he was forced to look through the various memories he kept of the girl, except with the voice flipping through his mind, each scene pulled up was void of the bright figure. His eleventh birthday, the day of his manifestation, the various dreams he had - none of them showed the girl.

‘ _What is this?_ ’ the voice hissed. ‘ _Why can I not see this girl who has been like a parasite for the past year?_ ’

“I-I don’t know.” Ben held his head with his hands on each side of his face, fingers pulling back his hair before losing himself deep in thought. If someone went directly into his mind, surely they would be able to see the figure as well.

Flicking through the pulled-up memories, he stopped at a dream on which the voice lingered longer than the others. The island where the ocean stretched beyond the horizon, the soft sand, and the salt that felt like it could stick to his skin. If only he could find the planet, if he could then maybe he could remember her face.

Suddenly, an idea weaseled its way into his mind, making his eyes light up and run through the house before he could even consider what a terrible idea it could be. Faster and faster he ran, as quick as his legs could take him to the hangar where a certain Corellian light freighter was docked.

He passed one of the guest rooms and saw Chewie sprawled across the bed set for him, limbs in all directions while he snored loudly. His dad and Chewie had been gone for a month on one of their runs, so it only made sense that they passed out the moment they touched down. His parents’ room was next to Chewie’s and with the door closed, it was safe to assume that his dad had gone to sleep like his Wookie partner.

It has been many years since his dad had taken him for a ride on the Falcon. His mom was furious and screamed when she found out. Since then, Dad would take him onto the ship but never actually depart, always remaining safely grounded and attached to the hangar.

Staring at the console in front of him, Ben didn't know where to start or which buttons to press; there were so many. With a sweaty hand, he reached up and pressed a small rectangular button. Instantly, the lights of the cockpit went out, flickering momentarily before they were restored. Ben gulped, unsure what he just did.

‘ _The switches and then that button_.’

The assertive voice was what Ben needed. He took a deep breath and started flicking the various switches and pushed different buttons; it was like he suddenly knew what to do.

The steering wheel felt right in his hands, his fingers wrapped around the faded leather. A low rumble from the engine thrummed through the ship, pitch rising higher and higher until it was a loud roar. “Whoa!” Ben cried out, frantically grabbing the wheel that managed to slip out of his loose clutch. “Okay, I can do this. I'll fly this ship and I'll find the island and I'll show everyone that she's real. I can do this. I can do this,” he repeated, pulling the steering gear towards him and initiating the thrusters. “Here we go!”

Ben was so wrapped up in trying to get the ship off the ground and into space that he didn't hear the shout from behind. With his tongue stuck between his teeth, he manoeuvred the ship around and jettisoned high into the sky. The blue sky around him changed to thick opaque clouds then to the blackness that was space.

“Okay, let's try going this way.” He pushed the yoke forwards slightly and already felt his body pressed against his seat. “Gah!”

“Ben!”

The high pitched screech of the hyperdrive penetrated his ears, his hands yearning to let go of the control wheel and press against his big ears but he knew if he let go of the wheel, the ship might fly off course into an unknown trajectory. He screamed, the muscles in his biceps quivering as he hoped to Maker that he would survive the trip.

‘Just a bit more,’ he thought, pushing forward with all his strength but there was only so much an eleven year old boy could do. He was on the edge of his seat and even then, only barely holding on. “No,” he muttered, body weak and trembling as he felt the last of his will slip away, taking his fingers from the steering wheel with it.

“BEN!”

Before he could even look at the source of the voice, two warm hands wrapped around his own and pushed the yoke the final distance. “D-Dad?” Ben looked at his dad through his tear stricken eyes in wonder. He blinked, unable to believe that Han was there with him, helping him steer the Millennium Falcon.

“It’s alright, kid. I got you.”

Two fat tears rolled down his cheeks. “Dad,” he wailed, his breath shuddering.

“It’s alright,” Han repeated softly, leaning over to press some buttons. “I got you. I’ve always got you.”

Whether it was Han’s chest pressed against his side or that he didn’t have to pilot the Falcon any more, more and more tears streamed down Ben’s face, snot clogging his nose and dribbling down his nostrils at the same time. He started to wail, his hands relinquishing the control wheel and wrapping around Han, pulling him close to bury himself into his father’s shoulder.

He cried until he couldn’t breathe properly, hiccups cutting his throat and making him cough.

He cried until Han’s jacket was drenched with the slobbering mess that was his son.

He cried until he couldn’t remember anything about voices or bright lights in the shape of a girl.

-

He was so angry.

His stunt with the Millennium Falcon had earned him two months of being grounded. Two months of not even being allowed to leave the perimeter of his home.

The first week was fine; with the company of his droid, he didn’t feel the need to go outside. He never really interacted with any of the other kids in the district; they all whispered about him behind his back, as if they were sneaky enough to not be heard. He always heard what they said about his ears and his parents and how he was _different_. When he first heard them whisper, he had confronted them and told them off but that only made the whispers louder. Even when they were nowhere near him, he would still hear their whispers.

No matter, after years of hearing their murmurs through their closed mouths, Ben didn’t care to interact with them, as brief as it was. He didn’t need them.

When his mom shrugged on a light shawl around her shoulders, it was only common sense for Ben to run to his room to get ready. For as long as he could remember, he would always go with her to the markets. It was _their_ thing. So when he dashed back to the entrance only to find her gone, he was beyond crestfallen.

“Sorry, Master Ben but you are grounded. Mistress has already left and instructed me to inform you that you are to stay at home,” said Threepio but Ben was already stomping back to his room.

In his room he screamed. He screamed and screamed until his throat was raw and his cheeks were sticky from the tears that had long since dried. Picking up a pillow with an iron grip, he pelted it into the ground, shrieking as he did so.

_Beep! Beep, beep, beep, beep!!_

His head snapped at the source of the beeping. “ _What?_ What do _you_ want?! You can’t help me!” He couldn’t help it, his voice became louder and louder, blood rushing to his face as his eyes narrowed at the innocent droid. “No one can help me!”

There was a furious thumping and wailing at the door but he didn’t care. He couldn’t hear anything but the high pitched screech that rang in his ears and throughout his mind. His fingers kept curling and uncurling, flexing and unflexing. He didn’t know what he was trying to achieve, only that it felt right to howl into the small of his room, ignore the yelling from outside the door and the wails from his droid.

‘ _Yes, release your anger! Why should you bottle your feelings up? Why should you hide what you truly are from your parents?_ ’

The voice was right. No matter what he did, his parents never really _saw_ him or his struggles. Even he knew that hearing voices in his own head wasn’t right, nor excelling in subjects years ahead of his peers. Time after time, they kept reassuring him that it was part of who he was and how it ran in the family. No one actually sat down and explained anything to him.

Flashes of his past danced before his eyes. Memories were being scooped from his mind and dumped before him, plunging the invisible knife deeper inside him. He couldn’t help but watch every time his parents and uncle ignored him or whenever they brushed his troubles and worries off as something called ‘the will of the Force’.

Anger coursed through him, hands balled tightly by his side. More and more memories until a sharp squeal and the crinkling of alloy plating pulled him from his reverie. He blinked, heart still thrumming but heat slowly leaving his face. A different type of heat heat rose to his cheeks, one of shame and embarrassment. “No,” he whimpered, looking down at the remains of his second droid. The droid he never bothered naming. The droid that sat dead in his room, tightly packed into a large ball.

When Han and Chewbacca finally bashed through the door moments later, all they saw was Ben Solo, shoulders slouched and on his knees, eyes vacant and staring at the compact ball of a droid

-

The heating was on, but he still shivered. With his old toy Tooka doll firm in his hand, Ben crept down the hall to where his parents were sleeping. Without making a sound, he pushed the door open and padded to the side of the bed where Leia slept.

“Mama.” It had been so many years since he hugged his toy Tooka, even longer since he called his mom ‘mama’. “Mama, I’m scared.”

Tomorrow would be the day. Tomorrow he was to leave his family.

Ben stared at the old raggedy plush in his hands, tears pooling in his eyes. He sniffled. “Mama…”

“Shhh, come here.” Relief flooded his senses when Leia pulled the blankets back. He quickly got in and huddled into her warmth. “What’s wrong, Ben?”

“I’m scared about tomorrow,” he mumbled into her chest.

“Don’t worry. Uncle Luke will take care of you and help with your voices. It’ll be fine. Trust in the Force.”

With his eyes closed and silence around him except for their breathing, it didn’t take long for Ben start to drift asleep. As his body relaxed, he remembered wishing he could have as much faith in the Force as she did.  

In his last moments of wakefulness, he heard the soft whispers of Han next to him.

“He’s very much like your father.”

-

“Hey, kid.”

Ben turned at the gruff voice of his dad. Han looked worse for wear, his mouth fixed in a frown and posture stiff, like he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the right words.

“Your mom told me what happened last night. About you being worried,” he clarified. He looked so uncomfortable. Ben knew his dad never really one for heart to heart talks, especially with his own son. He turned away, taking pity on the awkward conversation that he had no desire to take part of. “Wait.” Ben stopped, back still turned but ears still open. “You know I’m not one to get all caught up in that Force business, so I can’t really help you with what you’re going through. But I promise you this.” Ben turned slightly, eager for his next words. “Luke can help you with what you’re going through. Without him, I would still think that the Force and the Jedi are just children’s stories. You’re in good hands.”

“Thanks,” Ben mumbled, not entirely convinced.

Before he could stop his dad, Han pulled him into a tight hug. “Next time I see you, I’ll take you on one of my runs. I could use a Jedi on my ship _and_ I’ll teach you how to fly. Properly this time.” The roguish grin from his stubbled face made his heart soar. “We’ll get there in the end.”

Maybe if he worked hard enough, he could go back home. Take his dad up on his promise.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Age: 10-11years


	3. Chapter 3

Being with Uncle Luke every day after such a long absence from his life was different. He was everything Ben remembered him to be and not at the same time. There were only a few children training with Luke and even then, it wasn’t a permanent thing.

“Children back in the early days used to be whisked away from their families and sent to train to become a Jedi, going years and years without seeing their family,” Luke had told him as they hiked up a mountain one day. “It was to ensure that Jedi do not have any attachments that could give rise to obsession and fear. Such emotions can compromise one's mind and have it clouded by the dark side of the Force.”

Ben had looked at Luke with brows furrowed. “Then why do you let them return to their families?”

Reaching the top of the mountain, Luke turned to Ben and clasped his shoulders. “Because, those were the old ways. The old ways that were too strict and resulted in the rise of the Empire. Despite the Jedi Order having good intentions, their severe lifestyle resulted in their demise. I don’t want that. In order to move on and grow, we must evaluate and understand what went wrong  and make sure it doesn't happen again. That way, we can move forward.”

“So you’re okay with showing your feelings and embracing your emotions?”

“To a certain degree. You’ll understand as we progress through your training.” He led him to a rock and sat down together overlooking the would be makings of the new Jedi Order. “Now let’s try this again. Deep breaths and clear your mind, Ben. Let the Force flow through you naturally.”

He tried, he really, really did. But his mind kept drifting back to how incredibly ineffective meditating was. He felt the Force course through him and it put his mind at ease to an extent, but it was at those times where _she_ was the clearest. When his mind cleared and and his being was at peace was when she appeared from the wisps of his perception.

He had been with his uncle for just over two years already, and even though the control over his powers grew stronger by the day, the unknown female’s presence remained. Sometimes he was thankful for it, relaxed by the very sight of her after day after day of intense training. While it was rare for other padawans to stay with Luke for more than three days in a row, Ben stayed with his uncle and didn’t return home. Sometimes that alone would give rise to thoughts that he couldn’t help but hear; that staying at the pseudo-academy made him progress through the training faster than others and that it made him to become Luke’s most favored student. Ben knew it was jealousy, especially when the others couldn’t even last more than a few days before returning to their homes to see their parents. It wasn’t that the training was hard, but more that it was mentally draining. They would be expected to spend less time with their families the older they got but at the tender ages of five to twelve, they were allowed to go home as often as they pleased.

“Did you want to go and visit your mom and dad?” Luke had asked once as they finished their meditation session. Ben merely replied with a shake of his head, face forward and eyes locked at the space just past Luke’s head. How could he go back home if nothing had changed? Sure, he had a better grip on the Force but the voice was still there, as was she.

As the last of his mind came out of his meditative state, he tried to grasp onto the disappearing figure of the girl. He wondered at times if he became more powerful, would he be able to remember her face and see her or better yet, _find her_? He could see her, he didn’t doubt that, always in his dreams but never staying with him long enough to remember. The best he could do was remember was her vague appearance. She didn't wear a white dress like he always imagined her in but rather sandy colored clothes instead. The flowing dress turned out to be the edges of her loose dregs that looped around her banded form. It was an odd kind of clothing but it only fuelled his perseverance to become stronger - if he could remember her clothes, then maybe he would remember her face.

Other times he regarded her in a less polite manner.

It was days where he caught a particularly vicious thought from the other Jedi padawans that his thoughts turned dark. He would curse the girl and the fun she was making of him, how even though he surpassed others in skill, he still heard the voices from no one. Despite his growing power, he couldn’t fix the sole reason he was forced to train with Uncle Luke.

‘ _You say this as if it were a bad thing._ ’

“Shut up,” Ben gritted out in the solace of his room. He clenched his fists as he tried to go into his meditative state once again. He hated her but he hated the fact that she calmed him down even more. “You’re not real.”

‘ _I’m more real than you think, boy._ ’

“Then why don’t you show yourself? If you think the Force and me learning the ways are so important then why don’t _you_ come and teach me yourself?” He baited the voice and waited for the same response he would always get.

‘ _Because your uncle is doing a good thing by you. You need to learn the basics but when you are ready, I’ll come for you. When you are ready, I will **train** you.’_

“I don’t need you.”

‘ _We’ll see_.’

The chirping of crickets and cicadas outside were the only company he kept afterwards, never being able to go into his meditative state to calm down when he was worked up. Never being able to access _her_ when he needed and for that, he hated her.

-

“So, how is your training going?”

Thirteen year-old Ben mumbled something under his breath, half heartedly answering his mother but his mind not in his reply.

“Ben?”

He mumbled again with his face turned away, shrugging and not sure if he wanted to have that conversation with her. Leia took her son by the shoulders and forced him to look at her.

“Ben, tell me what’s on your mind.” Her eyes softened and pulled him into a tight hug that he couldn’t help but relax into. “What’s troubling you, sweetheart?”

“I’m having trouble meditating sometimes.” He didn’t offer any more details, not wanting to bring up the voice or that he got angry because of it.

“Have you brought it up with Luke?”

“No, but I think it’s just something I need to practice. Do you think you can try it with me?” He tried not to let his emotions leak into his voice and he feared his rapidly beating heart might betray him.

Leia hummed. “I never got any official training from Luke but we can try.” Like her brother, Leia led them to a cleared area and sat down in front of him. “So from what I understand, you have to relax and just breathe. In and out until it becomes second nature. You’ll know you’ve done it right afterwards, you’ll just know.”

They sat together in the silence of their breathing for a few moments, their spines upright and eyes shut. He breathed in and out, his breath syncing with his mother’s. In that moment, he tried focusing on the girl once more. In the darkness that was behind his lids, Ben put all his willpower into his concentration, trying with all his might to summon the girl. A bead of sweat rolled down his face and caught on his upper lip. All he got was his past encounters with the girl replaying in his mind.

“It’s not working,” he sighed, eyes opening to see his mother frown at him.

“I’m sorry I can’t help you. I’m not very good at this.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. How’s dad?” he asked, changing the subject and hoping to see his mother smile before she left.

“Your father is good. He’ll come and visit one day but he’s currently busy with work.”

Ben scoffed. “You don’t have to lie, Mom.”

Leia looked affronted. “I’m not lying.”

“Dad doesn’t believe in this Force stuff so he doesn’t want to come and visit me.” Leia’s silence was confirmation enough. “How’s your work?” He hated asking about it but it was better than talking about how he hadn’t seen his father in over a year. “Senators still being difficult?”

At his comment, Leia laughed. “They wouldn’t be senators if they were straightforward, now would they?”

They spent the rest of the afternoon together, both relaxed and happy to see each other after so long. As Leia got onto her shuttle as night fell, she turned back to Ben and smiled. “We’ll try this again next time I visit?”

Ben grinned. “Deal.”

-

_Ben,_

_I know that it may not mean much coming from the one person in your family without these fancy powers, and I know I’m not the best dad, but I’ll do the best I can. Don’t get your head muddled over this Force meditation stuff. The more you stress about it, the less chance you’ll get it. And if that doesn’t work then I’m sure Chewie won’t mind you traveling with us. Say the word and I’ll be there._

_-Dad_

~~_I would visit except it seems that I’ve misplaced the Falcon and I ain’t comin’ to see ya with an imposter of a ship!_ ~~

-

‘ _Try keeping your eyes half open when you meditate. Keeping your eyes closed just invites your mind to wander and ends up focusing on useless thoughts instead, young one._ ’

“Leave me alone.”

-

The next time Leia visited, Ben was high strung from frustration. It had been a week of feeling the girl dwell within in his dreams, but he hadn’t once seen her during his meditation sessions. So they settled in a different place far from others, a new place that didn’t remind Ben of Luke or the academy or his internal failures, and started his breathing exercises.

“Maybe this time it will be different?” Leia offered, feeling her son’s anger bubbling under the surface.

His mother breathed next to him, the pair of them not saying a word and letting their minds drift and become one with what was around them. The soft sounds of a nearby stream. The whistling of wind through the leaves. The faraway song of birds.

He slipped into the familiar feeling of tranquility with some difficulty, his body pulling him back every time he tried to slip into the peaceful state. Before he knew what he was doing, his eyes slipped from its closed position. Through his long lashes and on the precipice of zen, he saw her. His mind froze and his internal struggles stopped. He thought maybe he was just seeing things, a trick of the light but then she moved. She turned around and moved her fabric bound form towards him. Her clothes became clearer and clearer the closer she got but this time, he could look up at her face. Thick cloth wrapped around her face like a mask, light protective goggles with green lenses covered her eyes, protecting her from harsh weather. He could tell from looking at her form alone that she looked older than him, like a young woman but there was something about her that didn’t make sense. Then again, nothing about the girl made sense.

A gasp slipped from his mouth, breaking his concentration and she disappeared in a blink of an eye.

At the out of place noise, Leia opened her eyes. “Is everything alright?

Ben swallowed, schooling his face and pushing down the excitement that threatened to erupt. “Yeah, Mom, everything’s fine.”

-

‘ _I told you so_.’

Ben acknowledged the voice with a hum and went back to listening to his Master talk about the first Jedi Temple.

-

His fifteenth birthday passed like the others. He didn’t want to be treated any differently, but it still hurt when Luke fetched him that morning, passed him a letter from his parents and then started their morning meditation without another word. It happened when he turned twelve, thirteen and fourteen, so it shouldn’t have been a shock, but it didn’t help his turbulent thoughts. The girl still appeared only rarely and he still couldn’t see her when he wanted to. Meditating for long periods was either a hit or miss at times. There wasn’t any pattern; sometimes he saw the girl and greeted sleep with a calm mind, and other times he came up blank and glared angrily at nothing throughout the night.

He hated how he _needed_ her and how dependant he became on her.

He didn't sleep the night he turned fifteen.

-

“Master!”

Ben paused at the call towards them. Luke let out a soft sigh and motioned him to go first. “Go first and relax your mind. I’ll be with you in a moment, Ben.”

He nodded and followed his Master’s orders. He entered the clearing where they normally meditated together and settled in his favorite area. A light wind rustled the leaves, a soft melody that eased Ben into the beginnings of his meditative state. In and out he breathed, counting his breaths as he did so.

“But Master!”

The harsh yell of the boy from earlier snapped him from his brief trance. His ears twitched at the soft murmurs that followed, mind focusing more and more on the muffled conversation rather than settling his mind.

“If you give me a chance, I can show you that I am just as powerful as Ben!”

“Enough!” Ben didn't remember the last time Luke raised his voice in such a manner. He craned his neck as if it would let him eavesdrop on the conversation easier. “Ben is strong with the Force and even though he is younger than you, you still have much to learn before I can consider taking you with me.”

Silence fell but he could still feel the anger and annoyance rolling off the other student. Jayden, if Ben remembered his name correctly, was one of the few boys older than him who had been training with Luke longer than he had. But as Luke had mentioned when Ben first started training - no one save him stayed on the planet full time without leaving to see their families. At first it was to make up for lost time, since Ben had manifested later than others. But later it became staying with Luke out of convenience and because he still wasn’t ‘ready’ or ‘good enough’ to go back. He didn’t blame Jayden for feeling resentment towards him. His Master had taken his students offworld before, but this time it was different. He didn’t understand why he was the first person Luke was taking with him to find temples either, but he trusted his uncle.

A few moments later, the presence of his uncle settled in front of him. “I assume you heard?”

“I couldn’t not, Master.”

“Apologies. Shall we start?”

“Why don’t you take Jayden with you first?” Ben cut in. “He’s had more experience with the Force than I. He could be more useful.”

The soft smile that appeared on Luke’s face threw Ben off guard. “No, Ben, he really hasn’t. You have grown stronger faster than others. You have an affinity with the Force that others cannot comprehend. I am bringing you with me, and Jayden can continue to help the younger ones and run other errands.” Ben nodded begrudgingly, knowing that the conversation was over. He mentally shrugged at Luke’s reasoning and sat upright. “Let’s begin.”

Their breaths slowed down and became in sync, the soft exhales like a well rehearsed dance. Ben felt his body become light and the familiar feeling of his mind drifting settled within him. Like so many times before, he felt the Force flow through him and connect with every living thing around them; from the leaves that hung precariously from their stems to the colony of ants that rushed towards their home, to the sun that burned bright and strong above him.

The sun. A star. Flares. Solar winds.

With the Force and his out of body state, Ben followed the invisible stream of charged particles through the empty vacuum of space. He felt open and free; it was the most unrestricted he had felt in _forever_.

Back where his body rested, his fingers twitched, yearning to reach out and physically caress the molecules and atoms that made up everything living. His eyelids lifted slightly in his trance, propelling him into a state that rocked between trances. On one hand, he was connected through the Force, his being charged from being able to feel everything around him. On the other hand, the light that cut through his mind through his eyes shifted and formed into the girl, his blurred eyes repositioning his focus to the subject of his desires. It was like his mind was in two places at once, watching the girl - almost like a grown woman - walk through the galaxy, skipping amongst the stars and rocks drifting throughout space. She was celestial.

His lips tugged and pulled at its corners.

Then the sun in his mind exploded, blinding him and ripping his eyes open at the same time. He couldn’t breathe, something had a hold around his throat, pressing down and squeezing the air from his lungs. He could see his uncle meditating in front of him, eyes closed and oblivious to his nephew’s struggles. He tried to say something, make a noise but nothing came out. He couldn’t even gasp. The corners of his eyes blurred and he wondered briefly if this was how he was going to die - by the hands of the Force.

And then the feeling was gone.

It disappeared like a cold snap, sudden and jarring. A shiver ran down his spine and it was then that he let out a gasp.

“Is everything okay, Ben?” Luke looked at Ben with worry. “Your mouth.”

The fingers of Ben Solo lifted up and gently touched the edge of his lips. They were frozen.

“Must be a cold spell. May I be excused early, Master?” His voice didn’t betray the worry that plagued his mind. He was so confused.

“Of course. One day I’ll teach you a technique where you won’t even notice the changes in weather. It could go from arid heat to a hailstorm and you would not be affected by the warm front. Until then.” He excused his student with a wave of a hand.

Ben nodded and untangled his legs only to fall face first into the rough, dry soil. He couldn’t even feel embarrassed, his body felt numb as he kept his face pressed into the pebbled surface.

“Ben?”

He blinked. Clouds had moved and covered the sun completely.

There was not an ant in sight.

It started to rain.

-

It didn’t take long to realise what had happened.

And he was furious.

“Where?” he muttered angrily. “Where? Where? Where?” He continued to chant with hands cradling his head, not caring if someone walked by and heard his hysterics. There had been no warning or no lingering pain. His head didn’t feel ripped open and yet there was something missing, an emptiness that grew within him like a cancer. “ _Where is she?!”_

“Ben!” The daylight filtered into Ben’s room and casted Luke’s shadow over his bed. “What’s wrong?”

‘ _Maybe he is the reason for her disappearance._ ’

Ben ignored the voice, pulling his hands from his eyes to look at Luke. Clarity ebbed back into his vision. “Master?”

“What are you trying to find? The younger ones are getting worried about what they hear when they pass your room.”

“I...I…” No matter how much he tried, Ben couldn’t find the right words. How could he tell his Master that the reason he was sent to him in the first place, the sole reason why he destroyed both his droids and stole his father’s ship was still haunting him, even after all the training he had? And today being the day where he was to accompany Luke on one of his many artefact finds unsettled him. “It’s nothing.”

“No,” Luke said, defiance and command strong in his voice. “I’ve let this go on long enough.” He sat down next to Ben, the bed dipping under the weight of their bodies. “Is it the girl?”

“How did you-?” He felt weak.

“Ben.” Luke pulled his nephew towards him and held him in a tight embrace. “You don’t need to hide things from me.”

‘ _Maybe he’s hiding her from you_.’

“No.”

“No?” Luke asked.

“I mean,” Ben started, clearing his throat. “I mean, I’m not. Hiding anything,” he clarified. “I used to see her but...she’s gone now…”

“Are you okay with that?”

“I-I don’t know…” He couldn’t lie. He felt so weak and confused, like a part of him disappeared. It felt like someone had taken something important from him. Now that she was gone, he felt empty inside. He wanted to know who she was, not for her to leave.

“Emotion, yet peace.” Ben jerked at the Jedi code being recited to him. “Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity.”

“Chaos, yet harmony. There is no death, there is the Force,” Ben finished, earning a satisfied look on his Master’s face.

“Attachments.” The single word alone was enough for Ben to understand.

“Attachments,” he repeated back, nodding.

“We leave in an hour.”

“Yes, Master.”

When Luke left him alone, Ben moved swiftly around his room, packing essentials needed for his trip with Luke. During this time, he ignored the voice that echoed in his head.

‘ _Maybe he’s mistaken about attachments_.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Age: 11-15years


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Literally my favourite chapter due to the end scene :3

The loneliness grew by the day, regardless of what Ben wanted. He pushed the feeling down, determined to not let some girl from his dreams rule his life, but there was only so long he could deny the vacancy that settled within his chest. Luke kept him busy so there weren’t many opportunities to wonder about the five year anomaly of his life.

‘ _Maybe your Jedi training has reached a point where you are mentally strong enough to banish her,’_ the voice suggested one day.

“But why would it bother me so much? Why does it leave a scar in my mind?” Ben scrubbed his robes in the warm water and watched as dirt mixed with the once clear water. “Besides, I don’t think I’m that strong if you’re still here talking to me.” He tapped the side of his head for emphasis.

‘ _Do you want to be rid of me?_ ’

“Even I know now that it’s not normal to hear voices, much less the same one in your head for all your life. I can’t even blame this on my telepathic Force abilities.”

‘ _Does it bother you? Do you not trust me by now?’_

“I-” Ben faded, hands suspended over his bucket of dirty clothes as his mind trailed off. “It doesn’t bother me. You’re the most constant thing in my life. Do you know where she went?” Belatedly, he only realised that he didn’t know what else to call her. Or for the voice, for that matter.

‘ _I do not, but maybe she was never real. Maybe she was a manifestation of your Force abilities, taking form until you could control it._ ’

“So you don’t think she’s real?”

‘ _I cannot say for sure, but we cannot exclude that possibility._ ’

“And you, what about you? Do you have a name?”

‘ _Not yet but when I do, I’ll let you know right away_.’

Ben hummed noncommittally, not surprised that no more information was given to him. “But you are real, right?”

‘ _If you believe so_.’

“No one else does.”

‘ _Why does it matter if I’m real or not_?’

“Because,” Ben said, standing up from his squat and ignoring the crack of his knees. “It was awkward enough finding out that having an imaginary friend isn’t the norm, even for Jedi.”

‘ _You should see this situation as advantageous. You, of all people, are able to talk telepathically to a Force being on another plane of existence. If anything, this shows how far you’ve come, small Ben Solo._ ’

“I’m not small, not anymore. And is that what you are? A Force being? I’ve never heard of that before.”

‘ _Ask your Master and if he is as powerful as you believe him to be, he should know of ones like me_.’

“Can’t you tell me yourself?”

‘ _Consider this a test for Master Skywalker._ ’

-

He didn’t know when to ask his Master about Force beings. Besides, he didn’t know how he would bring up the topic without explaining himself. The guilt that crept up on him didn’t help either. For all Luke knew, Ben stopped hearing voices at the same time he stopped seeing the girl.

Months passed before he was able to broach the topic. It was to the fifth temple that he accompanied Luke, each time before yielding undesirable results. He wasn’t even sure what he was looking for, only that it was ‘important for the future of Jedi’. However, as the Master and Jedi padawan crossed the gateway into the dense stone structure, Ben felt that something was different this time.

Wherever they were, the architecture amazed him. Standing at the precipice, different sized buildings stretched around him and spiralled downwards into a canyon-like shape. Multiple staircases of questionable integrity extended in all directions, each leading up and alongside all the buildings within the large complex.

Whilst Ben stared at the complexity, Luke merely strode past him, confident in where he was going. Ben snapped out of his thoughts and quickly followed his Master, questions on the tip of his tongue. Luke led them into another room consisting of multiple stacks of dust ridden shelves and terminals. No natural light penetrated the densely packed room and the large plasma bulbs flickered above them, never constant yet illuminating partial areas of the room.

“What are we looking for, Master?” Ben asked as the whole wandered in different directions.

“Knowledge. This is one of the first Jedi Temples called the Great Jedi Library. This place once contained knowledge accumulated over decades by Jedi Masters and Librarians. Since then, this place has fallen to ruin with half of the information destroyed and abandoned. I’ve been visiting for many years, searching the archives.”

“For what?”

“Something,” Luke said, voice fading when he picked up a loose scroll.

Not noticing Luke’s non committal answer, Ben started browsing the Stacks, looking for answers to his own questions. Pulling out a few scrolls, the padawan immersed himself in the snippets he could decipher on the faded scrolls, not noticing the sound of footsteps until a voice echoed in the chamber.

“Master Skywalker!”

Ben looked up sharply at the new voice. A shadow stretched across the ruins, growing larger and larger until an elderly man in robes appeared. “San Tekka! Friend,” welcomed Luke, arms wide and enthusiasm clear in his voice. “Thank you for being able to make it today. I would like you to meet my nephew and Leia’s son, Ben.” Luke didn’t need to beckon Ben for the teenager to come; he was already close by, interest piqued and curiosity bubbling.

“Ah, so this is him? The ‘little angel’ according to your mother,” San Tekka commented, the last part aimed at Ben.

“Or ‘little bandit’ if you ask Han.”

“Well, this is an embarrassing conversation for a sixteen year old,” said Ben. He had to bite the inside of his mouth from saying anything further.

“Ben Solo, I am Lor San Tekka, an old friend of your mother,” said the robed man. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. And training under Master Skywalker as well. A fine path to take.” He nodded in approval.

“Lor San Tekka,” Ben said, bowing as he did so. “Are you here to help Master Skywalker in his research?”

“Yes, yes I am. I’m a traveller and I suppose you could call me a historian when it comes to Jedi lore.”

“So you know what Master is looking for?”

“I _am_ right here, you know,” Luke butted in.

San Tekka continued, as if Luke didn’t interrupt them. “I don’t actually. I just lend him my knowledge where useful.”

Luke let out a loud sigh, stopping the pair from continuing their charade. “I’ll know what I’m looking for when I find it.”

“You seriously don’t know?” asked Ben.

San Tekka stepped forward. “And that’s where I come in. Shall we proceed? I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of time to spare today.”

“Of course. Ben, I won’t be long with San Tekka. Why don’t you look around the Stacks and see if you can find anything that interests you?”

Before Ben could protest, Luke ushered San Tekka further into the library. Ben harrumphed and muttered to himself, annoyed at the clear dismissal from his uncle. Picking a random direction, Ben explored the Stacks, taking scrolls from their cobwebbed spots. He perused the scrolls quickly, not finding anything of use and covering himself in dust as a result. After a few moments trying not to cough amongst the thick dust and failing, Ben spied a terminal to the side. He could barely see, but blindly groping the different indentations proved successful when the screen lit up and illuminated his face faintly. A rectangular box blinked back at him, waiting for his prompt.

“Force beings,” Ben mumbled, light beeps sounded as his fingers typed in his query.

_Not found. Try Force Wielders._

“Force wielders?”

“What was that?” Ben looked up to see Luke stuffing a bunch of scrolls into his knapsack as he strode towards him, San Tekka nowhere to be seen. “Force wielders? Where did you hear that term?”

“Nowhere. I was originally trying to search for Force beings.”

Luke hummed. “I have not heard them being referred to ‘Force beings’, but I have heard of Force wielders.”

“Doesn’t that apply for all of us? Do we not all wield the Force?” Ben pressed enter and a flickering holo of a robed being appeared.

“They were different. They felt the Force differently to us; their connection to it was unique and unlike others. I came across the name ‘Force wielders’ in my research. It was rare and it confused me at first since it’s such a broad name but the context they were mentioned in implied they were tremendously powerful. It mentioned that they had several forms so no one really knew what they looked like.” Seeing Ben’s interest on the holo bathing their faces in blue, Luke continued. “If you want to learn more about them, you’re free to return here in the future, but be careful. Finding more information in this place is like a maze, a labyrinth. Sometimes you find what you’re looking for and sometimes the Force has other plans. When I first discovered this place, time slipped by without me noticing. Before I knew it, I had isolated myself from the outside world. This place grants you knowledge but at what cost? Come on.” Luke ushered Ben from the terminal, the hologram disappearing behind them. “It’s time to head back. It’s best not to dwell here too long.”

-

“So, you’re a Force wielder?” Ben asked to the quiet of his room. Silence stretched out in the dead of the night. He hummed, lost in thought. “Master Luke seemed to know of your kind but there was something else there. In his voice,” he clarified. “Surprise that I knew of Force wielders?”

‘ _We are ancient and not widely known.’_

Ben didn’t feel annoyed at how the voice only answered when it wanted to; the Jedi-in-training was used to the voice’s antics. “Why did you want me to know? Why me?”

‘ _Because I can appreciate Force users with great potential_.’

“I may have ‘great potential’,” said Ben, fingers up to make air quotation marks and not caring how ridiculous he looked, “but my powers would pale in comparison to yours. If you are a Force wielder, you have a unique connection to the Force that I cannot even comprehend.”

The voice didn’t reply for a long time, making Ben only more curious.

Finally, he repeated the words back to the air. “You see great potential in me.”

‘ _Yes_.’

“If it was at all possible.” Ben paused and chewed on his lip before continuing, stomach in a knot over what he was going to ask. “Would you teach me in the unique ways of the Force?”

‘ _It would be my pleasure, Ben Solo_.’

-

“Ben, it’s time for your Jedi Trials.”

Ben’s eighteen year old heart filled with excitement; the soon to be adult had become eager for the trials as the years passed. “I won’t let you down.”

“I have the utmost faith in you. You’ll do fine, just like in your Initiative Trials.” Luke handed him a bundle of clean brown robes. “At sunrise, I will take you and Jayden to a temple for you both to meditate. When you have connected with the Force, you both will undertake the trials.”

Ben had to bite the inside of his mouth to stop himself from making a comment about undertaking the trials with Jayden. Once Luke left him to retire, he wondered why the other padawan hadn’t taken the trials beforehand. Jayden was at least a year older than him.

‘ _When will you understand that you are special?_ ’

“When someone tells me a convincing enough reason to believe so,” he answered. He remembered his parents and Luke mentioning that the Force was strong in their family, because his uncle and mother had it and that his grandfather had it as well.

‘ _Maybe one day you will see what I do_.’

-

It was embarrassing.

He hid his face, head hanging in shame as he trudged back to the ship, not far behind Luke and Jayden. His body was exhausted and fatigued from the whole ordeal, but he still managed to pull himself up and follow them.

“Do not feel shame, Ben. It just wasn’t your time,” said Luke as he powered the engines.

Jayden took the space next to him at the back of the ship, both silent as Luke piloted the ship back to their camp. It was a few minutes into their trip when Jayden spoke up, voice hushed and hidden from Luke in the cockpit. “What was that, Solo?”

“What was what?” Ben really didn’t want to talk about it.

“You know know what I mean. I’ve seen you train, we’re often paired together. You’re better than this.”

“You’re really not helping, Jayden.”

Ignoring Ben’s warning, he kept going. “Your form is usually controlled and well adjusted. I’ve felt the power that surrounds you when you use the Force. I was once jealous of your affinity that seemed to come so naturally. What happened back there?”

Ben kept quiet. He had come out of his meditative state earlier than Jayden, and that had set off warning signs in his head. He heard that the meditative stage usually lasted around eight hours, but he was only in his for three. Luke merely stared at him blankly, not a word exchanged as they both kept quiet and waited for Jayden to finish.

He had waited for Luke to fail him right then and there but when the words never came, he and Jayden were ushered to the next cavern-like room. Luke remained in the first room as a heavy stone door slid shut, separating the padawans from their Master. From there, the real trials started. The first few were simple enough for two padawans well versed in lightsaber combat, but when when ghost like creatures appeared and targeted Ben, his memory became hazy. He remembered a solid-like spectre appear before him, familiar sandy colored clothes looping around its body. The lightsaber he held tightly in his hands lit up the room, basking both himself and the ghost in a green glow. He didn’t know where Jayden had gone, only that he was alone with the apparition of the girl that haunted his childhood. When the phantom advanced upon him, he blacked out. It wasn’t until Luke’s worried face came swimming into view that Ben realised what had transpired.  

“You surprised me.”

Jayden’s words broke Ben from his reverie. “What?”

“You surprised me,” Jayden repeated. “Master Luke is your uncle and Anakin Skywalker is your grandfather. I just expected your form to be more balanced and controlled.”

“I-I-” Ben stuttered. “How do you know my grandfather?”

“Solo, everyone knows your grandfather.”

Ben was at a loss for words. He didn’t know how to respond, realising he knew next to nothing about his family. Jayden got up from his seat and moved into the cockpit to talk to Luke, leaving Ben to stew in his thoughts.

He didn’t remember much of the trials and he didn’t know anything about his grandfather, but there was one thing he was sure of.

He failed his trials.

-

‘ _What happened?_ ’

“I don’t know.”

‘ _I must admit, I am surprised. I expected so much more from you._ ’

It was the disappointment in the voice that made him snap. He growled and spun around wildly in his room, yelling for the upteenth time. “I don’t know what's happening to me!” He punched his pillow before he focused his anger into pelting it towards the ground. “I thought I was ready! I heard Jayden and Master Skywalker talk soon after. He told him that he saw me swinging my lightsaber through the air in a frenzied manner! That my form wasn’t like any Jedi combat technique he had seen!” He collapsed onto his lumpy bed on his elbows and knees, back hunched over so he could curl into a ball. Angry tears streamed down his face, staining his bed covers. “I thought I was ready. I thought I was ready. I thought I was ready,” he repeated incessantly, voice fading until sleep granted him mercy and swept him away.

-

“Again.”

Ben grunted and ignited his lightsaber, twirling it around his body before he took up his standby stance. “Why am I doing this?”

Luke took up his own stance. “Because it’s been a while since I went up against you personally. I thought it might be a nice change and besides, there’s always room to learn something new. Even for me.” Loud buzzing filled the area and after many clashes, a disgruntled groan replaced the sound of plasma colliding. “But unfortunately, you are the one with much to learn still.”

“Tell me about my grandfather.”

The question caught Luke off guard, so Ben was able to sweep his legs and knock Luke off his feet. Luke fell with a thud but rolled away before Ben could do anything. “That was a dirty trick.”

“I’m serious though. Everyone keeps saying that the Force is strong in my family, that you have it and that my grandfather had it, but I don’t know anything about Anakin Skywalker. Mom never spoke of him and neither do you. And according to Jayden, everyone knows about him. That is, except for me.” Ben look at Luke accusingly.

With a sizzle, Luke switched off his lightsaber and sighed. “Well, what do you want to know about him?”

Ben shrugged. “Anything really. Jayden told me that everyone knows about my grandfather, as if it’s weird for Anakin Skywalker’s own grandson to not know about his accomplishments.”

“He-” Luke stopped after the first word, lips pressed together as he tried to find the right words. “He was a good man,” he continued. “He was a Jedi Knight who fought and helped end the Clone Wars between the Galactic Republic and the Confederacy of Independent Systems, before the Empire rose to power. People once believed he was ‘The Chosen One’, but his life was pre-emptively ended by Darth Vader.”

“And so the title of ‘The Chosen One’ fell on you,” Ben carried on.

“The galaxy was in disarray and the Empire had built a superweapon that could destroy planets. Your mother’s home planet, Alderaan, met its demise by that very weapon.”

“So, Anakin was a hero.”

“Yes.”

“Why didn't anyone tell me stories about him when I was a kid? Wouldn't his life be something bedtime stories would be about?”

“Well, it's the same reason why we didn't tell you stories about us and our role in ending the Galactic Civil War. It's not wise to dwell on the past.”

Ben narrowed his eyes. Something wasn't right. “It's not dwelling on the past. It's just telling me about my grandfather.”

“You already had issues with mingling with the other kids because of your mother’s status. Did you really want ‘grandfather: the war hero’ added to this mix?”

A frown pulled on the edge of his lips. “I guess not.” After a pause, he asked, “So, all the other kids knew?”

“Most probably. It’s easier to worry about your mother’s reputation influencing you rather than your grandfather, who is dead. But enough of that. Jayden mentioned that your lightsaber technique has changed, but I haven’t seen a difference. Have you felt anything?”

“Not really. What happened in the trials, Master?”

Luke sighed. “It was the Trial of Spirit that bested you. They’re designed to make you look deep within your soul, on a quest for self discovery. Sometimes you would be pitted against your greatest weakness, other times it is the darkness within yourself. Whatever form it takes in your mind is the will of the Force.”

“Whatever form it takes,” Ben repeated softly, ignoring whatever Luke proceeded to say.

-

_Dear Ben,_

_Luke told us what happened. I’m so sorry, Ben. I’m preoccupied with work at the moment, but when I’m able to clear my schedule, I’ll make it my top priority to see you. Your father has something to say too._

_Ben, don’t beat yourself up over this. Us Solos don’t stay down for long. If you don’t succeed, try and try until you can’t. Sorry I haven’t been to see you yet, but I’ll come the next time your mother comes to see you._

_Love always,_

_Mom & Dad_

-

_To Mom and Dad,_

_Don’t worry about it. When I finally get my Knighthood, I’ll come visit you guys personally, as a reward for passing my trials. Don’t get into too much trouble until I can see you!_

_\- Ben_

-

He felt like he was drowning.

His hands clawed wildly, but the water morphed into something strange around him. It became viscous, limiting and constricting his movements whilst being the same texture as water. It felt like weights were bound to his wrists with the effort it took to perform one stroke. He struggled and tried to swim upwards but ultimately, he sank deeper into the black water. The light from the surface dwindled until he couldn’t see anything but darkness around him.

-

“Ben.”

A grunt.

“Ben.”

A pant.

“Ben.”

A growl.

“Stop.”

“No.”

“You’re only hurting yourself. You’re not working with the Force anymore. You’re working against it now.”

“I’m no-ARGH!”

The smell of singed flesh made his nose crinkle.

“I’m withdrawing you from combat studies and confiscating your lightsaber. Your form is a mess and your soul is not in balance with the Force. I want you to meditate until you can align yourself once more.”

“NO!”

“Don’t make this harder on yourself than it already is. Please.”

-

‘ _What are you doing_?”

“I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.” He was chanting again. Sitting in his room after hours of meditating, Ben slowly came out of his trance and returned to reality. “I can do this,” he repeated once more, eyes closed as he lifted his hand with his fingers splayed. A set of robes floated in front of him and unraveled from its folded form, sleeves pulled at opposite ends before it flew across the room and draped over Ben’s shoulders.

‘ _You must get back up and obtain your Knighthood. You still have much to learn and there is no better person to learn from than Master Skywalker_.’

“What about you?”

‘ _I told you before. Foundations are important to any practice. You have to master the basics before you able to accomplish anything_.’

“They’re scared of me. The others have always been wary of me, but I can feel it from Master as well.”

‘ _It’s because you are rejecting the Force. You are rejecting his teachings. It is not wise to do so_.’

“I’m not doing it intentionally!” Ben jumped to his feet, the robe slipping to the ground as he did so. “It’s all because of that girl!” he said abruptly. “I was doing fine until she just vanished!”

‘ _Why do you rely on her so? Do you not trust your own powers?_ ’

“I do! Believe me, I do,” he laughed. “But when I saw her, I felt secure. I felt at peace.”

‘ _Like she completed you_.’

“Yes.”

‘ _Soulmates do not exist_.’

Ben pulled a face. “I know that. Soulmates are such a childish concept, but there’s no other way to describe it. I guess I’ll never know for sure if she exists.”

‘ _Why is that_?’

“Attachments are forbidden,” Ben recited. “It leads to jealousy and anger. It is not the way of the Jedi.” He let out a long sigh. “I know why I was not able to pass my trials. Why I have this block that prevents me from moving forward.”

‘ _The girl_?’

“I need to move on from her. Forget about her. Live without her. She is my weakness.”

‘ _Yessss_ ,’ the voice hissed. ‘ _Become the man I always saw you to be.’_

-

It took him another two years for Ben to feel like he was ready for the Jedi Trials once again.

Meditating before the Jedi Trials was important, not only to calm one's mind, but also to organise oneself or come to terms with whatever turmoil one may be holding. As Ben sat cross legged with Luke watching over him, transitioning into a deep meditative state came easier than last time. His body became numb and sensitive at the same time, his spirit connecting with the Force like he had so many times before.

A feeling appeared at the base of his spine, settling momentarily around his tailbone before moving upwards. Each time he let go of emotional constraints that held him down, the feeling ascended, moving from his tailbone to his lower abdomen then to his upper abdomen. He felt himself letting go of any self-doubt about his abilities and skills; basic foundations and trust along with connections with everyone and everything around him grew stronger as the feeling travelled. When the ball of energy within him moved up to his chest and throat, he saw his parents, their faces full of the love and happiness they had for him. He opened his mouth to call out to them, but something was stuck in his throat. It felt like something was pressed down on his trachea, restricting his airways and making his heart stutter. It was at this point that the ball of energy dwindled slightly and almost faded. Panic filled him, knowing that if the ball disappeared then he would have failed the trials before they properly started. He saw frowns appear on his parents’ faces.

‘But what is real?’

Breathing in and out, Ben’s mind buzzed, trying to organise itself to find the truth. Fact: his parents love him. Fact: What he was doing would benefit the galaxy. Fact: Even if he didn’t become a Jedi Knight or Master, they would still be there for him.

The ball of light grew with each statement, rising to his face and resting between his eyes. His lids fluttered until they were half open, a technique he kept with him since he had tried it with his mother. It was at that moment that he saw something shift within his vision. He didn’t know what it was. His heart pounded so loudly that it felt jarring against his calm mind. He started to panic, the blur of his half open eyes making out a figure he had not seen in five years.

‘No,’ he thought weakly, ‘You’re not real.’

Fabric danced around the figure’s ankles, Ben’s head lifting up to take her in. As his eyes rose higher, he noticed something in her hand that wasn’t there before. Bits of orange, brown and white peaked from the tightly clenched fist, but there was no denying it was a doll in her hand. How peculiar for an adult to be holding onto something so childish and infantile.

‘You can’t be real.’ As that thought passed through his mind, his surroundings flickered momentarily from white nothingness to a sandy landscape. It was brief, but he saw it. Amongst the sand was a girl with pale brown clothes wrapped and looped around her small form, similar to the style of the apparition’s.

There was a long pause until finally, ‘But you could be.’

The now-adult being turned slowly but before he could see her properly, the ball of light lifting higher to his crown. Just as she disappeared, he whispered, “Who are you?” He didn’t know if Master Skywalker heard him or if he whispered in the meditative plane where he was, only that as he spoke the words, the warm ball of light blinked and enveloped his whole body, filling him and calming his soul.

Even though he knew he got to his feet and moved to the next cavern, it didn't feel like it was entirely him. His body felt light and weightless, like the constraints that once bound him released him. As he stood in the large circular room, he could only savor the feeling for a few moments before a bolt came whizzing past him.

“Ah!” Ben fell backwards and gasped in shock at the sight of three large figures descending upon him. He looked around wildly, hoping to yell out to his Master but saw he was alone.

There was a loud _shwing!_ as a bright blue glow bathed the cavern. He tightened his grip around the lightsaber Luke had given him long ago and charged at his foes. They ignited their own blistering red sabers, but it felt like Ben was possessed by a sort of entity; he knew his combat skills were good, but he didn’t expect himself to successfully take on three Sith entities.

Jumping and swinging his saber around in a frenzy, he disabled two of his opponents and as he was about to cut the last one down, a searing pain blossomed across his back. He collapsed to the ground, knees bruised and cut as he heard his flesh sizzle from the wound. With him crouched on the floor in pain, the three Sith lords advanced upon him, sabers magically reappearing in their hands and closing the distance between them.

Crawling was all he could do to get away. When one of them tried to stomp his head, he flung them away with the his fingers splayed, giving him the time he needed to roll away and take shelter in a decrepit AT-AT. Normally, his mind would be buzzing with questions like where had the AT-AT come from and how it managed to fit in the cave, but curled up inside the sideways combat walker, he couldn’t care less about the origins of the Imperial armored transport. Regaining his breath, Ben looked to the side and caught sight of a familiar doll with a X-wing pilot flight suit, an orange and white flight helmet not far from where he sat. The doll sat propped up against a metal cup, brown twine wound around haphazardly to form the doll’s body.

_Fwwbt!_

He couldn’t hide inside the AT-AT any longer. Without sparing the doll and the helmet another thought, Ben grabbed the metal cup and darted from the carved entrance of the combat walker. He spun around and flung the cup towards the closest Sith, levitating the cup to smash into the other two dark Force users. Momentarily distracted, Ben took the chance to suspend the three, freezing their bodies so they were unable to move. He bared his teeth as a bead of sweat rolled down from his forehead. It seemed harder to hold them off, harder than he had encountered. He had stopped numerous people before, sparring with many of the other apprentices in the past but it felt odd this time; like something wasn’t right. They were there but _not_ at the same time. The AT-AT disappeared from behind him, causing Ben to turn around, startled.

His eyes narrowed at the empty space. Something else caught his eye, making him look around wildly until he spotted her. She stood by the side, face hidden like always but she was there nevertheless. The doll from the AT-AT remained grasped in her hand.

And then, it clicked.

Ben flicked the switch of his lightsaber and clipped it to his belt. With his hands by his side, he fought the urge to clench and unclench his fists as the Sith charged at him. He didn't close his eyes. He didn't twitch. He braced himself and gave in.

Like being subjected to the cold winds of Hoth, a chilling current licked his skin then disappeared. Silence followed until a single clap echoed the chamber, followed by another and another. Ben turned around at the sound of applause, a smile creeping into his face at the sight of a proud Luke Skywalker.

The girl disappeared long before Ben even thought to check if she was still there.

-

The next step was for Ben to create his very own lightsaber. As a rite of passage for passing his Jedi Trials, Luke took Ben to the crystalline planet Christophsis. “In the past, padawans would be brought to Ilum to collect kyber crystals for their lightsabers but unfortunately, not much remains of Ilum,” Luke commented as they orbited Christophsis. From his seat, Ben could already see the lush turquoise that encased the planet. “Christophsis has has its own share of Empire control, but it’s in much better shape than Ilum. I’ve obtained kyber crystals here before, so we shouldn’t encounter any trouble here.”

True to his Master’s words, they landed with ease in the middle of a crystal forest. Luke remained on the ship, allowing for Ben to explore the forest and feel the Force energy around him. It was like the forest was alive, thrumming with life despite there being no plant life, only flat faces of various shapes protruding from the planet’s surface. It was simply amazing; not only the calming colors, but also the spirit that seemed to resonate from the structures.

Being reassured to it was ok to venture as far as he wanted, Ben closed his eyes and started in the direction he felt a pull towards. Even though there was no sign of life around, there was a path cleared, and the dirt beneath his boot crinkled as if crystal dust. He didn’t pay much attention to it, continuing towards the area west of where the ship waited. There were other paths that branched from where Luke landed the ship but for some reason, he chose west. There was something about west that felt right to him.

With nothing but crunching of crystal dust as a companion, he travelled further and further until he couldn’t even see the ship anymore; the twist in his gut tightened and his heart throbbed in his chest. He followed the path laid before him until he arrived at an entrance leading to a dark cave. From outside, he could already see the glowing spikes of crystals littering all surfaces of the cave.

_Pew, pew, pew!_

The soft echoes of a voice startled him from his reverie. A _female_ voice.

He dived into the cave, hopelessly following the faint voice. He tried desperately to pinpoint where the voice came from, head spinning as he looked around in all directions. The only light in the cave came from the crystals, the jagged spikes pulsating with light at irregular intervals.

“Where are you? Where, where, where?” Ben murmured to himself like a madman.

_Reeeeewwwww!_

Ben spun around and ran deeper into the cave until there were no evident crystals around him. He reached a dead end and sighed. “What am I doing?” he asked himself. “I should be getting my lightsaber crystal.”

He waited for someone to reply, maybe his Force wielder friend, but none came. He didn’t know what he was expecting but he assumed that the voice would want to give some advice on which crystals to pick.

Just as he turned around to trek back outside, there was a crunch of dust behind him, followed by -

_We did it, Ræh!_

In a space he swore was empty, now had a bright crystal in the space, clear and attached to a spire that jutted out from the ceiling. He brushed the tip of his fingers over the edge, startled when a generous sized crystal broke from its body. It thrummed with energy in his palm, warm to touch and vibrant with life.

This would be his crystal.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The mediation bits that Ben has to do during his Trials are inspired by chakras and what each one represents. 
> 
> Age: 15-20 years


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for everyone who is keeping up with this fic and leaving comments. They mean the world to me <3 
> 
> I've added some notes at the end of the chapter (something I need to do with previous chapters, if I remember)....and I know the square brackets are a bit jarring but bear with me *sweats* ~~I've got so many footnotes in my document ;-;~~

 

Becoming a Jedi Knight meant Ben was able to help teach the younger padawans, as well as go offworld unsupervised. Despite his busy schedule, he was able to dedicate some time to visit Ossus, the planet where the Great Jedi Library was located. His trips were sparse and unpredictable, only finding out last minute when he had enough time to visit the decrepit library.

He didn’t have anything specific in mind when he visited the dense stone world, heeding Luke’s advice to not linger there too long and that it was virtually impossible to find certain information. He read up on whatever the ruins provided, from old Jedi rituals no longer practiced, to different Sith Lords of the past, to the various wars fought in the galaxy between Jedi and Sith.

It was all history, but it still fascinated Ben.

-

“Mom!”

“Ben!”

The Jedi Knight threw his arms around the smaller woman, no longer a small teenager with floppy hair that fell across his face. Ben smiled widely at his mother, hair neatly trimmed and brushed just past his ears. “I’ve missed you. How have you been?”

His mother’s excitement to see Ben was infectious. He was wary to see her at first, the last time being so long ago, but at twenty-one years of age, Ben was relieved when conversation between them came naturally.

“Where’s Dad? And why did you want to meet on Naboo?” asked Ben as Leia looped her arm around Ben’s and dragged him into one of the many lush gardens that peppered Naboo.

“I had business with Senator Berenko[1] earlier, but more importantly, Luke told me that you found out about your grandfather?” Ben nodded, ignoring the annoyance that bubbled at the mention of his mom using his visit to conduct Galactic Senate business. Leia continued. “Well, this is the homeworld of your grandmother, Padmé Amidala.”

The news was unexpected for Ben. Not having interacted much with others in his lifetime, he never really bothered knowing about his grandparents until it came to light that his grandfather was someone apparently everyone knew. “Who’s Padmé Amidala?”

“She served two terms as Queen of Naboo-” Leia paused at the sound of furious coughing at her side. “You okay?”

“Y-Yeah,” Ben wheezed, “I didn’t realise I was related to royalty.”

“Hey buster, your own mother was a princess once.”

“Yeah, but I don’t really consider us as royalty, but rather a political family. Also, why is this the first time I’m hearing about your royal background?”

Ben noticed a distinct change in atmosphere. His mother’s eyes softened with her lips tugging downwards. “My homeworld, Alderaan, was destroyed during the rule of the Galactic Empire. That’s why I never mentioned it before. There’s nothing there now.”

“If your homeworld was Alderaan, then how come-”

Leia cut off Ben before he could get his question out. “I was adopted into the Royal Family of Alderaan when my mother died giving birth to Luke and I.”

“And Anakin Skywalker was killed by Darth Vader, leaving you and Uncle Luke as orphans,” Ben finished. His mother said nothing, looking Ben dead in the eye. “I found out about Anakin from someone at the academy. Everyone knew about him except for me,” he accused.

“There’s a lot of things you still don’t know, Ben,” Leia sighed. She looked tired, shoulders slouching and posture no longer the upright position he always remembered her to have.

“Is everything okay?”

Leia checked her chronometer wrapped around her wrist. “Your father is late.”

Ben laughed easily. “Has he ever been on time for anything?”

His mother snorted. “No, you’re right.” She stopped in the middle of the garden and detached herself from his arm. The place they stopped at was the edge of the garden overlooking mass fields of green and yellow. “According to some of the elders here, those fields were your grandmother’s favourite.”

A moment passed before either spoke again. “What are we doing here?” Ben asked, voice soft as if anything loud would disrupt the peace that seemed to blanket Naboo.

“You know about your grandfather so you deserve to know about your grandmother. After her time as Queen, she became a Senator.”

“Like you.”

“Yes.” Leia smiled. “Very much like me. It seemed that I followed her footsteps while Luke followed Anakin’s. To a certain degree.” The last part was mumbled under her breath but Ben caught it.

“What do you mean?”

Before Leia could reply, there was a pitter patter of running feet towards them. “Senator Organa!” Running towards them was a young child in traditional Nubian clothing. “We’ve received a message from Coruscant Police. They have Han Solo in custody.”

The string of curses that came from Leia’s mouth almost made Ben burst out laughing even if the matter at hand annoyed him so.

-

Ben flicked through the pages angrily, not caring about the disapproving looks sent his way by the Coruscant librarians. Meditating on the ride over to Coruscant had calmed him somewhat, but when his mother told him that she wanted to see Han alone first, he stomped off with a huff. He didn’t want to see his father behind bars anyways; he didn’t care about that. What he cared about what the amount of disappointments that were stacking up under the name of Han Solo.

“How has this family become so selfish?” he muttered, pulling out book after book, searching until he found what he was looking for. The problem with the Great Jedi Library was that despite it being full of information about both Jedi and Sith alike, it stopped being updated when it was destroyed thousands of years ago. That meant that he couldn’t find anything on Darth Vader, the Empire or his grandparents.

As frustrating as it was, he wouldn’t have visited Coruscant Library if it wasn’t for his father. Ben snorted. At least his trip offworld wasn’t for nothing.

Turning his attention back to the book laid out before him, he greedily drank the words printed in the various tomes, from historical figures to the circumstances of the Empire’s fall. He read up on Darth Sidious and his apprentice, Darth Vader, as well as the Jedi Council that once was. Luke had mentioned about how attachments were strictly forbidden in the past and after reading about the Jedi Council, Ben understood why the strict rule was one of the first his Master altered. He understood the theory behind the old way - become too attached and it could lead to jealousy and anger, and in turn, rage and revenge. Attachments were now viewed in a better light and never denied, yet the subject always comprehended the weaknesses that could arise from them.

‘ _Would you call having attachments a weakness_?’

“No,” Ben answered immediately.

‘ _And why is that_?’

He didn’t want to admit it. Some time had passed since he had became a Jedi Knight, but he replayed his test over and over in his mind many times. Luke had commented that the Force had shifted during his trials, like it flowed differently. There was no immediate danger so Luke left it at that, but Ben wondered if it was because of who he constantly saw. The girl. “Without her, I don’t think I would have been able to pass my trials.”

The voice didn’t ask for him to elaborate. ‘ _Do you consider yourself depending on her to become strong_?’

“No,” he said again. “I barely see her as it is, so my strength doesn’t come from her. I don’t need her.” He scoffed at the thought.

‘ _Really_?’ Even the voice sounded sardonic.

“I don’t need her,” Ben repeated even though both himself and the voice knew he was lying. “But my grandfather married my grandmother, so attachments weren’t prohibited like all the texts say.”

‘ _The old Jedi Council were stubborn in their beliefs. They refused to hold him in any high regard. No matter what he did, he would never be good enough for the Council. Born as a slave, he was not found until late in his childhood. He didn’t train like the other younglings, already too old for the group classes, so he had to be personally trained by his Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, who you are named after, to catch him up to speed. Anakin Skywalker was naturally attuned to the Force and very powerful, so it was not hard for him to hone his powers._ ’ There was a chuckle. ‘ _You two are rather alike. You both received training rather late in your life, considering most start from the age of four, but like him, you are extremely talented with the Force._ ’

“They called him ‘The Chosen One’,” Ben said, pointing at the book that was propped open in his lap. “Why wouldn’t the Council trust ‘The Chosen One’?”

The laugh that came was like a bark. ‘ _Because they thought if they could continuously dangle what he wanted just beyond his reach, then he would still remain loyal. The Jedi Council were deluded and as a result, their presumptuous thinking lead to their downfall._ ’

Ben mouthed the word ‘downfall’, absorbing the new information and trying to grasp the opposing ideas given to him. The books within the Coruscant Library were filled with nothing but praise for the Jedi Council, but the voice made him wary of the library now. If the library couldn’t even keep their contents objective, who was to say the same wouldn’t happen to the New Republic?

As quick as the thought popped into his head, Ben spied a holo flickering on a wall outside the library. Without making a sound, he got up from his position on the floor and went towards the window, eyes never leaving the red and black image. Refraining from pressing his face up against the glass, he made out the insignia that was painted across the advert. It was a black hexagon with numerous spikes facing towards the centre of the shape, stark against the red background with the bold letters splashed above.

**_STRENGTH THROUGH ORDER_** [2]

Eyes still on the holo outside, Ben opened his mouth and without even thinking, asked “Tell me about Darth Vader and the Empire.”

-

Tense couldn’t even begin to describe the atmosphere that was within the four walls of his small ship. Ben was at the helm while his parents remained at the back, still within earshot even though no one spoke. When he finally showed up at the holding cell where they kept his father, a knife could slice the thickness that bathed them. The aura his parents were exuding made his head throb, a mixture of anger and guilt and exasperation. It was like he was a child again. They would never fight in front of him but he always knew when they were at a disagreement. His mother’s mind would swirl like a storm, pockets of anger crackling through her otherwise gentle mind. His father’s was no better; his felt like a skittish Bantha, like he wanted to do what he did best and run without caring for who saw.

“It’s too far to go back to Naboo,” Ben said. “And I have to go back to Master Skywalker soon. Pick a planet and you guys can figure the rest out.” It was understandable to be angry at Han, but Leia? No, her conscience was muddy at best. She was withholding something from him but he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. If his parents couldn’t trust their own son with whatever argument between them, then he’d let them be.

“Chandrila,” Leia decided.

“Chandrila,” Han parroted in agreement.

“If we cannot enjoy my mother’s homeworld, then the next best thing is for Ben to see _his_ homeworld.”

Ben scoffed from the front seat. “I’d hardly call Chandrila my homeworld. I was merely born on that planet because you were in the middle of negotiations.”

“It’s still a nice place to visit, since you never returned,” snapped Leia.

Ben grunted and changed topics. “Dad, what were you doing on Coruscant anyways?”

“Yeah, _Dad_ ,” mocked Leia, “Tell your son why you were stuck on Coruscant.”

Han let out a nervous laugh. “About that, funny story, you see.”

When he didn’t speak again, Ben huffed, annoyed at his father’s stubbornness. “Yeah, and?”

“Okay, fine, I’ll come out and say it. Kid, I lost the Falcon. I lost it years ago and have been trying to find it since.”

“You _lost_ the Falcon?”

“Yeah.”

“How can you lose a ship? The Falcon isn’t small!” The steering wheel squeaked under Ben’s tightening grip. “Did you just forget where you parked it or something? Has your age caught up with you so that you’re just _misplacing_ starships now?”

“Ben, don’t be like this.”

The use of his name made him snap and turn around. “Is that the reason why you never came to visit me?” he screamed. Ben flicked the autopilot switch and jumped out of his seat, rushing into the back to confront his father. “You told me in a letter that you had misplaced your ship,” he whispered harshly. “I was _fourteen_! I’m twenty-one now! Are you using the excuse of ‘I lost my starship’ to not write or even see your son for seven years?! I had to come to you! And even then, YOU WERE IN JAIL.” Ben was beyond fuming. He breathed harshly with his nostrils flaring and mouth twisted into a snarl.

“Look, I know I wasn’t going to be the best Dad and I know I wasn’t around much when you were a kid, but so help me if I showed up in some backwater cargo ship because the Falcon went missing!”

“Why would I care? You think I cared so much about your dumb ship that I would hate you more so than I do now if you visited your son, your son that _needed you_ , in a subpar ship?!” Ben grit his teeth. “Get over your ego, _Han_.”

_That_ wounded his father. “I was trying to uphold my promise to you. It was the least I could do,” he whispered.

“What promise?”

“I wasn’t joking when I promised to teach you how to fly. I really did, and still do, want to bring you on the Falcon with me and do stuff together.”

“Well,” Ben laughed in disbelief. “It’s too late for that now. I’ve got Jedi stuff to do. I don’t have time for your silly antics anymore.” It hurt him probably the same amount as it did Han, but he kept a brave face. He was no longer the child who played with droids.

“I see.” Han stepped back and sat down in his seat once more. Leia remained in her spot, watching the whole interaction with a degree of annoyance towards Han herself. “I’m sad to hear that, son.”

“I’ve got business to attend to. I’m dropping you both on Chandrila and then heading back to Master Skywalker.” Ben didn’t miss the way his parents cringed at Luke’s title. “I’m sure Mother’s connections can get you both back to wherever you need to go.” It was a low blow at Leia’s own shortcomings, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t stand to be in their presence.

-

“Your father is an idiot, but do you think you might have been a little bit too harsh?” His mom sat in the co-pilot’s seat, pulling a thin shawl over her shoulders as she waited for his answer.

“I meant what I said.”

“Spend an hour with us. Sit down and have a meal at least.”

“We’ll see.” He kept his eyes firmly on the small planet coming into view, listening as Leia got up with a sigh and joined his father in the back.

When he settled the ship on the loading docks, he slowly pushed the gear stick in place, taking his time to land his ship. He listened to his parents gather themselves and make their way to the exit. Ben lingered behind, not trusting himself to speak to his father without flying into a rage again.

“Will you join us for a meal?” asked Leia, eyes hopeful and pleading.

Ben faltered. He hated disappointing his mom but as his eyes slid to the right, he caught sight of Han. He frowned, watching the older man kick the dirt with his shoulders slumped. “Um,” he started but stopped when he saw something beyond his dad. He had landed on one of the southern islands that decorated Chandrila, so it didn’t come as a surprise when he saw a large sea on the edge of the docks. It stretched to the horizon, a calm ocean with an island not far into the distance.

**_Clear waters. Cool breeze with a tang of salt. An island. Green. So much green. Pebbled beaches. Buildings in the distance. Tall, high rise buildings. Waves. Light. A girl._ **

The memory slapped Ben across the face. “No,” he stuttered, “I won’t be staying.” Without waiting for his mom to protest, he slammed the button for the door to slide closed and stomped back to the cockpit. He didn’t dare to look back, his body shaking as the image of an island imprinted behind his eyes.

The image of an island identical to the one he saw just beyond the docks of Chandrila.

-

He threw himself into Jedi activities afterwards. He shrugged off any questions and replied with one word answers when Luke enquired about his parents, answers always non-committal before promptly changing the topic to something else. He took any and all tasks given to him without complaint if it meant that Luke stopped asking what happened. Finally, his Master took a hint and with a heavy clap on the shoulder, he said, “Whatever happened, don’t let it manifest and control you. Stay balanced and let the Force flow through you and your emotions.”

Months passed and the only reminder of what had transpired was the occasional letter from his mom and dad, unopened and buried under his bed.

-

Time passed and his life became as normal as a Jedi’s could have. He would still personally accompany Luke on his various trips to the Unknown Regions and Wild Space, always silent as his Master piloted the ship into nothingness, as if looking for something even he didn’t know about.

He also hadn’t seen the girl since Christophsis. He still felt her presence in some way, but never physically saw her. It would unnerve him, except the lightsaber he forged kept him company. After days of meditation, his kyber crystal became clearer than anything he had seen before, but yielded a green blade. Luke had been surprised, expecting a white lightsaber but didn’t comment on it. He merely nodded with approval.

“You know, this is my second lightsaber too,” Luke commented one day, holding up his own green lightsaber. “Green is a good color. Legend says that ones who wield green sabers preferred to reflect on the mysteries of the Force and fight the dark side at its heart. I can’t think of a better color for us, Ben.”

“What happened to your first lightsaber?” Ben asked, looking down at his own chrome hilted weapon.

“I lost it in a duel on Cloud City. It was my father’s and if I hadn’t lost it, I would have passed it onto you. It would only be fair for you to practice with a Skywalker lightsaber as a padawan. The Force is strong in my family, my father had it, I have it, my sister has it. You have that power too.”

Later that night with a few strings on consciousness holding Ben from the dream realm, the voice spoke softly to him.

‘ _And you will have the lightsaber that is rightfully yours one day_.’

-

“So, Solo,” Jayden started, “What is Master Skywalker looking for?” The pair of them were supervising one of the more advanced classes with the older students - ones that were on the cusp of undergoing their own Trials.

Ben turned to his fellow Jedi Knight. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I’m talking about. He still takes you on his trips into the unknown. What’s he looking for?”

“I...really don’t know.”

Jayden’s brows rose. “And you never thought to ask him?”

“If you saw the look on his face, you would do the same. It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s looking for or where he’s going. Most of the time, I’m just sitting in the co-pilot seat, bored out of my mind. It’s like I’m only there to tell him when the fuel is running low so we don’t get stranded.” Ben waved his hand and separated the two padawans sparring. “Straighten your back and leave your mind open or your form will become sloppy,” Ben called out before resuming his conversation with Jayden.

“Hey, remember when your form took a dive between Trials?” the older boy joked. “You were all over the place. Do you know what caused it?”

“Nope, no idea,” Ben lied. “I might have been pushing myself too hard at the time.”

Ben laughed, his deep chuckle concealing the nervousness that plagued his thoughts. He had long since accepted that he had a connection with the girl and that his power might have been directly influenced by her, but with her sporadic appearances, it was hard to confirm any theory. He didn’t bring it up often with the voice, knowing that it would only confuse and frustrate him further.

“Well, whatever it was, you got back up and that’s what counts.”

“Yeah, I got back up alright,” he mumbled as he absentmindedly fingered the lightsaber clipped to his belt.

-

The dead of space was once unsettling to Ben Solo, but after numerous trips with his Master into unknown territories, the unease became a distant memory. Three hundred and twenty-seven. That was how many trips on which he had accompanied Master Skywalker in his small vessel all over the galaxy; always under the radar and never making their presence known on more inhabited planets. He had long since stopped asking Luke what he was looking for. The furrowed brow ridge was answer enough that he was using his gut to guide him.

Ben sighed and reclined back on his seat, legs propped against the console with arms behind his head. “We’ve probably got two more hours of fuel before we should head back.”

Luke hummed and nodded absentmindedly, head down with his eyes raking over the star maps for the trillionth time. “Somewhere,” he murmured, his fingers rolling the edges of the map, wearing down the already worn paper.

“Master, did you hear me?” Ben swung his feet back from the console and leaned over, hand cautiously nearing the greying man as not to startle him. “Master?”

Just as the tips of his fingers brushed lightly against his scratchy robes, Luke’s head snapped up. “Ossus. Let’s go to Ossus.” In a flurry of activity, Luke warmed up the engines and punched through space without another word.

This was a familiar scene. It wasn’t the first time where his Master just snapped out of his reverie and sped to the Great Library. Knowing the way all too well, Ben sat back in his seat and ran his normal checks. No unknown ships on their radar; unsurprising since no one travelled to the world of ruin. No one except for them.

Ben noticed the outlines of their footprints from their last visit were still present as he arrived at the foyer. Had it been that soon since they returned to the decrepit library? What was his Master looking for?

With Luke skittering through the toppled shelves of dense stone, Ben loitered around the foyer before wandering towards the few sections he was familiar with. The terminal he had once sought knowledge from hung beyond his view. He didn't approach the terminal, quickly realising after a few visits that the database was void of anything recent. Plopping down on a nearby toppled pillar, Ben lasted a few moments of sitting still before his knee started to jerk. It was so boring at the Library. Spying a few larger rocks to the side, his hand twitched and started to play with them until various sized rocks and debris floated in spirals around him. It calmed him and occupied his mind, distracting him from the waste of time that was accompanying Luke around the galaxy.

He couldn’t help but feel frustrated. It felt like his energy and time could be better spent doing the same jobs Jayden was sent on, so why did Luke insist on getting him to accompany him?

‘ _Maybe he doesn’t trust you_?’

Ben chortled at the voice, not even bothering to reply to the voice. He knew that there _could_ be some truth behind the voice but paid minimal mind to it.

‘ _Or maybe he just wants to keep you in his sights_.’

“Or maybe he wants to spend time with his nephew who he rarely saw as a child,” Ben commented, sarcasm thick in his suggestion.

‘ _Don’t be so quick to dismiss my guess. You cannot deny it is suspicious of Master Skywalker._ ’

Ben growled, not liking the tone of the voice. He stopped twirling the rocks, dropping them suddenly with a loud _thud_. Some of the larger rocks smacked into nearby pillars, causing a chain reaction of more fallen columns to crumble further. A gust of wind from outside blew across the room, picking up more dust as it did so. Ben coughed and closed his eyes, hands flapping in front of him until he was able to see again.

He only had to crack his eye open a millimetre to see the soft glow of something beyond the rubble. His brows furrowed and instinctively, he neared the mysterious object. As he ventured closer and away from the foyer, loud steps echoed through the chamber.

“Ben!”

The boy in question turned around immediately. “Master?”

Luke sighed with relief. “I heard a crash and thought you might need assistance.”

“Nope, I’m all good.”

Just as Ben was about to turn back to the rubble, Luke spoke. “I’m finished up here for today. Let’s head back so we’re in time for dinner.”

“Wait, I wanted to check something out.” When Ben turned around back to the rubble behind him, the light was gone. “What? Master, did you see that?”

“See what?”

“There was something giving off some light here before you came. Did you not see it?”

“Ben, there’s nothing there. It’s just rubble, see?” Luke moved forward and kicked at the shrapnel. For good measure, he hovered a pillar from the pile, revealing nothing but dust. “Let’s head back.”

“Okay,” Ben said, voice soft and laced with confusion. There was definitely something there before, but where did it go?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] Senator Berenko is Thadlé Berenko, Senator of Naboo as mentioned on Wookiepedia  
> [2] STRENGTH THROUGH ORDER refers [to the poster that came with Bloodlines](https://3w46os2x1jd34c87yk1vvkvh-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/star-wars-aftermath-poster-2-grand-admiral-rae-sloane-229147-600x738.jpg), by artist Steve Thomas 
> 
> Age: 20-22 years


	6. Chapter 6

He was cold but that was nothing new to him. Like in his dreams so often before, he was sinking, falling deeper and deeper into a bottomless ocean. Sometimes he would panic, other times he would accept his fate and let his body go numb. Weightless. Loose. _Free_.

The dreams would come sporadically with no real pattern. He lost count how of long he’d been receiving the dreams, never really putting much thought in them. He merely assumed that they were Force-influenced dreams, which was not out of the realm of possibilities considering his life.

Like so often before, he swung his legs over the side of his bed, his feet wriggling and toes curling at the touch of cold stone. He pressed the soles of his feet into the ground, hoping the cold would stop his feet from being clammy. He sighed and flopped back in bed, eyes closed as he started his morning meditation. As important as Force-influenced dreams were, there was only so much you could do in response to them. Now, they were a slight burden - a minor nuisance.

As soft as it came, he heard a noise. It was faint but clear at the same time; it was like feet dragging through something granular. He opened his eyes and looked to the entrance of his room, waiting for whoever was outside to come in or make their presence known.

Nothing came.

“Huh,” he mumbled, padding over and peeking outside. Not a soul in sight. Frowning, he retreated back inside and pulled on his Jedi robes, ready to start his day.

Like so often before, he walked down the path from where their sleeping quarters were located to the main training area. The sun was just breaking dawn and there were only a few people milling around. He settled down next to fellow padawans and started his morning meditation and centering.

_Breathe._

In and out, he chanted to himself, a habit he couldn’t seem to kick. A few moments passed with his shoulders relaxing before his eyes fluttered, another habit that seemed to stick after meditating with his mother all those years ago. As the sun draped its light over the meditation area, Ben exhaled at the feel of heat falling against the back of his neck. A cloud must have passed as the heat disappeared suddenly. Ben didn’t put much thought into it until his whole body was consumed by a shadow and all light was blacked out. Through his half open lids, he saw the familiar blur of _her_ , the smudge of her unmistakable light-colored clothing, fabric dancing around her legs. He still couldn’t see her clearly but he _knew_ it was her. She seemed to be navigating the shadows that he seemed to be consumed in, slipping in and out of his sight until…

_Ah-ha!_

Ben’s eyes snapped open, the young man looking around frantically. It was so clear, like it was right next to him but upon further inspection, he was where he was before - sitting cross legged with the other padawans, bathed in the sunlight from the star high in the sky. There was not a cloud in sight.

“Master Solo?”

Ben startled at the younger voice nearby. He coughed, regaining his composure. “Yes?”

“Are you okay? You seemed distressed in your meditation,” the younger padawan commented from next to him.

“Sorry to trouble you. This is,” Ben paused, searching for the right word without worrying the younger student. “Normal. For me,” he finished lamely. The student didn’t look convinced.

“Don’t worry, Aroonh,” Jayden said, coming up from behind Ben and clapping his shoulder. “It’s distressing to see at first but it really is Ben’s way of meditating. It doesn’t mean he's any less of a Jedi Knight.”

“Thanks,” Ben said, sardonically. “Didn’t really need that extra commentary.”

“Whoa, cranky this morning I see?” Jayden lifted his hands playfully. “Anyways, Master Skywalker wants to see us. Something about him needing to go away for a bit.”

Ben nodded and got up, dusting his robes as he did so. “After you,” he said, hand extended.

The pair walked to the other side of the new Jedi Order in silence, Ben never being one for small talk and more than happy for Jayden’s lack of conversation. The walk to Luke’s hut was peaceful, with the crisp morning breeze making their robes flutter. Ben’s mind started to wander, the walk being monotonous as so often before. He wasn’t watching where he was going, trusting his feet to take him to his uncle.

“Ben!”

“Huh?” Ben snapped out of his reverie and looked down at the hand wrapped around his forearm. “What?”

“I should be asking you the same thing. What’s gotten into you?”

“What do you mean? We’re going to Master Skywalker, aren’t we?”

“No, I was. You weren’t,” Jayden said, pointing to the hut they had long since passed. “You almost walked off into a trench.”

Ben turned around and true to Jayden’s words, he was a few steps from falling into the steep drop that Luke had set his hut nearby. “Huh,” he mumbled, pulling away from the older Jedi and walked closer to the edge. He ignored Jayden’s warning and felt himself compelled to go closer. The rustling he heard in the morning came back, this time clearer so that he was sure it was the sound of someone walking on sand or dirt. Maybe someone was nearby? Hiding or spying.

When he looked down the canyon, he stumbled backwards and tripped over his feet, falling onto his butt. “Jayden!” he called out, tone more desperate and frantic than he would have liked but there was no denying what he saw. At the bottom of the ravine were multiple Imperial starships, all destroyed and littering the earth. He only got a glimpse before he fell back in shock but he was positive of what he saw. “Jayden!” he yelled out again, hand flapping behind him, beckoning the other Jedi to come closer.

“What is it?” Jayden asked in irritation, pulling Ben up from the ground and looking over the edge to see what the younger boy was worked up about. “I don’t see anything.”

“What?” Ben gaped at him before looking down again.

Nothing. There was nothing there, only dry land with the occasional tree.

“Ben, is everything okay? It’s not my place to pry, but I worry about you.”

“Why would you need to worry?” Ben narrowed his eyes.

Jayden backed up slightly. “I know you’re a private guy but maybe you need a break?”

“Jedi do not simply take breaks, Jayden.”

“No, I know that but everyone here takes a day or two off to visit family. I know Master Skywalker _is_ your family but what about your parents? Other than one time, I’ve never seen you leave to see them? You only go offworld to go with Master or to visit the libraries on Coruscant.”

Hearing Jayden refer to that one time he went to see his parents made his fist ball up. He didn’t need reminders of what did, or rather, did not happen. “I appreciate the concern, but it’s misplaced. I am fine.”

“Okay, no worries. I trust your judgement but if the younger padawans are noticing something weird about you, then maybe you should talk with Master Skywalker about it,” Jayden paused and drew circles in the air in front of Ben. “Whatever is going on with you. Just a thought, friend to friend.”

Hearing their relationship voiced aloud made Ben visibly relax. Maybe Jayden was right. “Thank you,” he breathed. “Maybe I will. Come on, let’s go see what the old man wants.”

-

“Ah, Ben! Jayden! Just who I wanted to see.” Luke smiled widely, welcoming the two into his small hut. It was identical to Ben’s and he guessed, to probably every other one on the planet where Luke set up his new Jedi Order.

“Well you did send for us,” Ben commented, brow raised.

“It’s too early for such cheek, Ben,” Luke mumbled, dropping the smile and becoming somber. “I have to go offworld for a while. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, since this lead looks pretty promising, but I’m relying on the both of you to make sure the younger ones don’t get rowdy.”

“Where are you going?” Jayden asked immediately.

“Oh, you know. Here and there.” Luke waved his hand dismissively. “It’s part of my personal research I’m doing to help the new Jedi Order run smoother in the future.”

“Yeah but what are you looking for?” Ben prodded.

“I’ll wait and see if this lead checks out and then I’ll tell you both. I promise. I don’t want to get your hopes up like mine so many times before.” Luke clapped each of his hands on Ben and Jayden’s shoulders, smiling tightly. “I’ll explain when I get back. Hopefully I will be back within the week.” Jayden nodded, accepting Luke’s excuse before nudging Ben. “What? What was that?” Luke asked, looking down at where Jayden’s elbow collided with Ben’s side.

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” Ben glared at his peer.

Jayden coughed. “Remember what I said, Ben.” And with that, he excused himself and left the uncle and nephew alone.

“Did you want to talk, Ben?” Luke asked when he was sure Jayden was out of hearing range.

“How did you know?”

Luke looked at him unimpressed. “Ben, I’m your uncle. Your Master. You’ve been with me for over ten years. We’re both strong and connected by the Force. I think I know when something is troubling you.”

Ben looked down, analysing the spacing of his feet to how much space was in front of his toes in his shoes; anything to avoid the topic at hand.

“Ben?” Luke prompted again.

“Do you,” Ben started. “Do you think it’ll go away?”

“What will?”

Ben wriggled his fingers at the side of his head. “The visions? The girl I see? I think it’s getting worse. This isn’t normal, Master.”

“How is it getting worse?”

“They’re becoming clearer. Louder. I’m seeing things when I’m awake and it’s not just the girl anymore. I saw-” Ben’s mouth snapped shut, scared that what he would say would make things worse.

“What did you see?” Luke held Ben, thumbs rubbing comforting circles into his shoulders. “From uncle to nephew, not as a Master to Padawan. What did you see?”

“Starships. I can’t be sure, but Imperial Star Destroyers,” he whispered. He kept his eyes downcast but heard the unmistakeable sharp intake of air.

“Where?”

“Behind your hut. Jayden was right behind me and didn’t see anything. I don’t see them there now, but it was clear as day.”

“Why Imperial?”

“I-I don’t know. They looked Imperial. They look the same as the ones I’ve read about on Coruscant.”

Luke didn’t need to ask what was on Coruscant, never one to limit anyone’s free time off world. “What do you think these ‘visions’ mean?”

“I don’t know!” he yelled, breaking away from his uncle. Ben clutched his head in anguish, as if the pressure from his palms would drive his problems away. Luke dove to him, hands wrapping around Ben’s wrist so he couldn’t cause any damage. “Why am I like this?” Ben sobbed, large tears running down his face for the first time in years. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried. He didn’t even cry when he left his parents on Chandrila.

“Ben,” Luke shushed, rubbing the younger man’s back in comfort. “Ben, if my lead is right, I might be able to help you. Please, just trust me. This research I’ve been doing could not only help the new Jedi Order, but you as well.”

“How?” he stuttered.

“I can’t say for sure. I’ll know what to do when I meet up with San Tekka and check out his source. Please Ben, stay strong for me.” Luke rested his forehand against his nephew’s, watching as the tears stopped flowing and left the red face of Ben Solo. “May the Force be with you.”

Ben nodded weakly, sniffling and hoping no snot was running from his nose. “May the Force be with you.”

-

He was sinking again, falling deeper and deeper, further than he had ever before. After his emotional ordeal the day before, Ben couldn’t bring himself to panic, even in his dream. There was black all around him, he was so far from the surface that no light penetrated the water around him. He breathed in the water but didn’t choke, he looked around but his eyes didn’t sting. He just _floated_.

_AH!_

Ben sat up with a start, panting and drenched in sweat. He gulped, trying to calm his heart as it raced frantically.

_Rustle. Rustle._

The same sound from the previous morning made him jump out of bed and rip open his door. The same view greeted him - a land devoid of anyone or anything in sight.

_Rustle. Rustle._

He ran around outside his hut, trying to catch whoever was agitating him. The sun was over the horizon, but there was still a cold wind in the air. Ben didn’t notice the chill and kept looping around his hut in nothing but his sleeping pants. The planet Luke had set the new Jedi Order on was a standard planet with standard terrain, nothing drastic and only a light layer of dirt. Nothing even remotely close to a desert or fields of sand to make the noise that squirrelled into his dreams. And yet the sound of someone running through large areas of sand was unmistakable.

When an extended period of time passed with no noises, Ben retreated back into his hut to get dressed, knowing full well that some padawans had already seen him run around like a maniac. And it wasn’t even that early anymore.

Dressed in his proper Jedi robes, Ben made his way down the well tread path towards the meditation area, ready to start his day.

“Ben!” The man in question turned at the sound of his name. Jayden excused himself from the group of soon-to-be Jedi Knights and jogged over to him.

“Jayden,” Ben greeted.

Jayden waved his hand between them. “Have you heard from your mom?”

Ben’s brows disappeared into his hairline. “Why do you ask?” Two years had passed since he was face to face with his mother, two years since he dumped her and Han on Chandrila, and two years since he even opened one of their numerous letters. The pile under his mattress had become thick enough that he would feel it if he slept in certain positions.

“You don’t know?” Ben shook his head in confusion. “So you can’t tell me if it’s true?”

Ben huffed, irritation starting to creep up on him. “What are you talking about?”

“Something happened last night. I saw it on the HoloNet when I ran for supplies this morning. It’s everywhere!”

“What is?” he snapped.

“The Senate is in disarray. They are demanding that your mother answer for her deception to the New Republic.”

“ _What_?” He didn’t know what the Jedi Knight was referring to.

“And you,” Jayden babbled on, “Did you keep it secret from everyone here because of what would happen?”

Ben took Jayden by the shoulders and shook him forcefully, shutting up the other man. “Keep what secret? Tell me!”

Jayden gulped, never being so close to the Solo boy. “That your grandfather is Darth Vader.”

It felt like a punch to the gut. Ben pushed Jayden away roughly, mouth hanging slightly as he let the words sink in. “You’re lying.”

“Why would I lie about this? Wait, you didn’t know?” Ben remained silent, eyes wide with betrayal becoming more evident by the second. “They never told you?” Jayden whispered. “Hey, wait! Ben!” Jayden called out to him but it was too late; the tall black haired Jedi already started to backwards, foot stepping behind the other but still watching Jayden. Ben stumbled but got up again, spinning around and darting to where his Master resided.

“Master!” Ben looked around frantically but all he saw were the older man’s belongings in his room. “Uncle!” He never referred to Luke as ‘uncle’ in public or in private, outgrowing the term when he started his Jedi training. “UNCLE LUKE!”

“Master Solo?” Ben turned around sharply and looked down at the padawan. The child, no more than ten and only coming up to his waist, approached him nervously. “Master Skywalker left last night and hasn’t returned since. Is what they’re saying true?” Ben growled at the boy, so young and so reckless in what he asked.

“No,” he hissed, robes flapping angrily as he stomped away.

Rushing down the path where other padawans were training, he couldn’t escape the looks being shot in his direction. Avoiding their judgemental glances and their hushed whispers was useless; he could still catch their stray thoughts. They weren’t clear but Ben could still feel the thick sludge roll over him, sticking to his mind and smearing over his thoughts - numbing him - something he had not felt since he was a child. They probably didn’t mean to think those thoughts, but their feelings were virulent and poisonous; they were bringing him down. He had to get away from it all.

“Mama.” The single word slipped out before he could take it back. He cupped his mouth, eyes wide and darting around to make sure no one heard him. It wasn't something twenty-three year old Ben Solo wanted people to hear. Hands over mouth and eyes squeezed shut, he couldn’t help but drift back to a time he had not thought about.

**_He squeezed his eyes so tightly that his vision blurred as he hid behind her, hands grasping the soft material of her pants and pushing his face into the back of her knees. He hated it when she brought him to work, but his mom was called in at the last minute on their day together. He groaned, pressing his forehead into her legs and hoped that they could go back home soon._ ** [1]

Home.

He ran as fast as his legs could take him, not stopping until he reached the area where they docked the ships. They didn’t have many; only three and one was missing. True to the padawan’s words, Master Skywalker had taken a ship and was nowhere to be seen. Ben growled and jumped into one of the two remaining, flicking the switches and enabling full throttle, not caring for the people he left behind.

Home. He needed to get home. He needed to hear it from his own mother’s mouth. He needed to know.

He was so focused on flying the ship through space that he veered to the left suddenly when an Imperial Star Destroyer appeared above him. Ben choked and crawled onto the console to get a better look at the cruiser. It was massive, bathing his small ship in its shadow. Then, as quickly as it appeared, Ben blinked and it disappeared.

“W-What?” Ben panted, knees still pressed against the various buttons. A bead of sweat rolled down his temple. “What was that?” He didn’t expect anyone to answer, the voice or otherwise, but still felt deflated when none came, feeling more dejected than ever. Passing it off as a trick of the light or just his imagination, Ben jumped down from the console and sped towards the Hosnian System.

The Solo-Organa household was located on a remote part of a planet within the Hosnian System. Having a home that wasn’t at a capital was one of the things that Ben was thankful for. Coming up to the house, he could see swarm of reporters and ships hovering around his childhood home, trying fruitlessly to penetrate the barrier that was set up around the residence. Ben punched in the passcode to the hangar and grimaced when he was allowed passage. It was the passcode he remembered as a child and the fact that it hadn’t changed after this time made him shake his head.

“Mom? Dad?” Ben jumped out of his ship and ran through the once familiar halls. There was no one around, only mindless droids that didn’t seem surprised by his presence. “Hello? Anyone here?”

“Beep!”

“Artoo?” Ben took a sharp turn and found Artoo watching a bunch of holos from the security droids that were placed around the perimeter outside. “Artoo!”

“Beep, beep!”

“Where is everyone? I didn’t expect to find mom home but maybe dad?”

“Beep? Beep, beep, wiiir, beep.”

Ben stood up, lips pressed together in a firm line and annoyance crinkled at his temple. “Dad hasn’t been home in over a year? He’s a starship racer now? _What_?” He shook his head. “Nevermind that, where’s mom? And has Uncle Luke come by here by any chance?” Artoo let out a few more beeps before his head whirled back and forth in dissent. “She’s probably at work then.” Ben entertained the idea of visiting Hosnian Prime for a millisecond before sneering at the thought. No, there was no need to seek out his mother and surround himself with her kind; politicians and their thoughts were the last thing he needed.

“I need to find Master Skywalker,” he muttered before running back to the hanger, ignoring Artoo’s frantic beeping.

With the steering gear gripped in his hands, Ben closed his eyes and concentrated. Where? Where was he? His mind stretched across the galaxy but couldn’t get far from the sheer amount of people in the Hosnian System. It all became white noise, getting louder and louder, clawing at him until he ripped his eyes open with a scream.

Like before, the blurry form of an Imperial Star Destroyer appeared before him. As he refocused his eyes, the Destroyer seemed to get closer until-

_Blink_

Gone.

Ben sat shaking, his body becoming weak and hands falling to his sides. “Why?” He didn’t want to cry but the tingling sensation in the bridge of his nose was unmistakable. “Okay, so not my imagination,” he muttered to himself, pushing the need to cry aside while trying to solve what was happening to him. He needed to access the library on Coruscant but he wasn’t sure the state of the planet, much less the galaxy, was in response to whatever news Jayden had heard.

One of the ship’s features was to receive HoloNet news broadcasts, something that was rarely used since there was never any need to know what was happening in the Capital. Until now. Ben clicked a few buttons and sat back, taking in the holograms that spread across the viewport.

**_Senator Organa: Daughter Of Darth Vader_ **

**_Darth Vader Still Among Us_ **

**_Senator Organa Lies About Birthright_ **

**_What Do The Skywalkers Know That We Don’t?_ **

**_Deception In The Senate_ **

**_Public Demands For Senator Organa Resignation And Explanation_ **

Ben slammed the button with his fist and the images disappeared from view. With his shoulders slouched and head hung between his knees, Ben clasped his hands together and massaged his temples. Coruscant was out of the question. Where else could he go to find out about Jedi lore and the Force?

The answer came so fast that he almost hit his head for being so stupid. “Ossus, of course. Master might be there as well.”

Punching in the coordinates, he zoomed into hyperspace without a second glance.

-

Coming up to The Great Library, Ben spotted Luke’s ship immediately, accompanied by another. He jumped out and sprinted into the ruins, running up a set of stairs he had not ventured before but was positive he would find his Master there. It wasn’t long until he started hearing soft echoes of a conversation. The closer he got to the section the stairs led to, the louder the voices became until shadows of the occupants came into view.

“Yes, thank you. I’m so close.”

“Someone is coming.”

“It’s just Ben.”

“Master!” Ben was still a few steps away but he could clearly see Luke with an older man - San Tekka, if he remembered correctly. “Master,” he repeated. “I’ve been trying to look for you.”

“Sorry, I’ve been a bit preoccupied as of late. My research is coming to an end, at last, thanks to San Tekka.” Luke smiled, looking somewhat relaxed for the first time in years.

The calmness he exuded irritated the young Jedi Knight. “Did you know?”

The smile melted away from Luke’s face, replaced by a frown. “You heard?” He didn’t even bother to clarify what his nephew was talking about.

“Of _course_ I heard!” Ben gritted out. “How could I not when it’s all over the HoloNet? When padawans as young as six are asking me? SIX!”

“I’d best take my leave.” San Tekka quickly nodded and excused himself, leaving the two Force users behind.

“Did _he_ know?” Ben pointed behind him where San Tekka was disappearing fast down the stairs.

“San Tekka is an old friend of the Skywalkers and Solos.”

“How many people knew? Why? I understand why Mom or you would hide it from the public, but me? I’m your nephew! I’m her SON.”

Luke held his hands up, hoping to calm down his fuming nephew, inching closer to him. “Ben, please, calm down. Please understand. We wanted to tell you but the right time just never came.”

“The right time? What moment were you or Mom waiting for? That I would just ask her out of the blue and be okay with it?”

“You were a troubled child, Ben. You were Force sensitive, but for some reason, you never completely manifested until you were ten. You stopped playing with other children your age, you started to care too much about being a Jedi.”

Ben laughed cruelly. “What, so it’s _my fault_?”

“No! Never your fault.”

“Then what is it, _Master_?” he asked mockingly. “That I would react badly to the fact that my grandfather was a Sith Lord? That he is everything that the Jedi teachings warn us against? Or that despite the Jedi teachings, my grandfather still fell to the dark side?” Ben started to pace with his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. “I read up on him, on Darth Vader. You decorated Anakin Skywalker as a war hero, but he WAS Darth Vader. How can Anakin Skywalker be a war hero if he murdered countless lives and destroyed the order of the galaxy? Allowing for a fascist dictatorship to rise and control everyone?”

“Anakin was a good man before he fell to the dark side! Despite being a practicing Sith Lord for over twenty years, he turned his back on his Master, Darth Sidious, and sacrificed himself! Without him, the Empire would still be in power. He gave up and relinquished his life to save me! He died a Jedi Knight and returned balance to the Force as far as I’m concerned!”

“But look at the galaxy.” Ben gestured around them with a disbelieving laugh. “Do you honestly believe the galaxy is in balance? There is nothing peaceful about the New Republic. I know Mom is trying her best, but you forget that she brought me to the Galactic Senate often when I was still a child. I could read their minds and emotions. Even though I was young, I didn’t need to hear their exact thoughts to sense what their true intentions were. It’s all just chaos! And even now, it’s only getting worse! Centrists? Populists? The divisions in the galaxy is growing wider and it’s about time that you and Mom understood that.”

“Ben.” Luke’s voice was so weak and exposed. He clutched a letter tight in his hands, unopened and crumpled. “This was delivered this morning. Please,” he pleaded with his arm extended, willing for Ben to take the letter. “It’s from your mother. She wants you to read it and understand that everything she did, she did it for you. She wanted you to have a better life, not influenced by whatever history plagues our family. She wanted to shape the galaxy so it would be good enough for you. She loves you very much, can’t you feel it?” Luke stepped closer and pressed the letter in his hands. “Concentrate and use the Force.”

The paper was damp with moisture, either from the air or from Luke’s hands, Ben wasn’t sure. He looked into his Master’s aged eyes and inhaled deeply. Closing his eyes, he concentrated, fingers rubbing the soft New Republic paper as if it would help link his mind with his mother’s. Further and further into the galaxy, past each Rim Sector and straight towards the Core Worlds. It took a while before he could locate Leia’s Force presence but when he did, Ben staggered backwards, hands dropping the crushed letter.

He found Leia Organa-Solo alright, her mind being the only familiar thing he could latch onto in a mass of burning stars, but it was wrong at the same time. It was warm and tender, just how he remembered - her suffocating snuggles and pleasant pecks. It eased his mind but there was something else. Through the affectionate nature was a thick cloud striking every now and then, sending shocks into his periphery. It blocked him from her, making Ben reach out fruitlessly for his mother, yearning and failing. Panic jolted through him like a sunburst.

“Lies!! All these lies! What would be there to explain? I cannot feel her! That just confirms my suspicions!”

“Ben-” Luke tried to interrupt Ben but the younger man kept on babbling.

“I’m not a fool. I heard my parents talking when I was younger, right before they got rid of me and dumped me on your shoulders. Da-- _Han_ ,” Ben corrected himself, anger coursing through him at the thought of his disappointing father. “Han mumbled that I was too much like her father. Like my grandfather. Like Darth Vader.” His body shook at his own revelation. It was one thing to hear it from other people but to say it himself was something else. Fat tears welled and spilled over his cheeks, face hot and heart racing. “My mother,” he sneered. “Mom doesn’t love me. I don’t even know if she ever truly loved me. She hated Darth Vader. She never saw him like you did. Han never even wanted me to manifest and get involved with all this Force business.” Each time he referred to his parents, his throat swelled up and clenched painfully, choking him slowly. “They don’t love me.”

Luke grabbed Ben by the shoulders and roughly shook him. “That’s not true!”

“I haven’t seen my mother in years! And Han?” Ben laughed cruelly, causing Luke to flinch along with the use of Han’s name. “He never visited me here. He couldn’t even put aside his prejudice and skepticism with the Force to visit his own _son_. And now I find out he’s a some starship racer?” Ben snorted. “It’s nice to know that he can accomplish so much when he’s no longer burdened by his son. He could barely find work when he had to take care of me, you cannot deny that.”

“Please Ben, please listen to me. Calm your mind. This isn't you, this isn't the boy I took as my padawan, my apprentice. You just need to meditate on it, connect with the Force,” Luke begged.

“HOW CAN I CALM MY MIND?” shrieked Ben, pushing the greying man away from him.  “I FOUND OUT THAT YOU ALL HAVE BEEN LYING TO ME FOR MY WHOLE LIFE. DARTH VADER IS MY GRANDFATHER AND MY PARENTS CANNOT EVEN STAND ME!” The silence that followed was too much. His Master, if Ben could even stomach calling him that, remained quiet. He couldn't even hide the truth, it was painted across his face, exposed for Ben Solo to see. That was all he needed. Ben turned on his heel and started to walk away. “I need time to think. I need time to be alone and come to terms that my whole life has been a lie.”

“Please Ben, please. Meditate on this. Allow the Force to guide you. That is all I ask.”

Ben stopped, the dirt crunching under his boots as he ground his heels into the earth. “Why should I even listen to you? You are not my Master anymore.” He turned around, staring at Luke Skywalker dead in the eye. “Would a Master hide such things from their padawan?”

“We are still family,” Luke replied weakly.

“I have no family.” Ben started down the long set of stairs, not bothering to look back to see his uncle, his once-Master, fall to his knees with his life crumbling around him.

-

The irony did not escape his notice when Ben found himself floating aimlessly in space days later. Hugging his legs to his chest, Ben rested his cheek on his knees and stared at the empty seat next to him. There was sustenance stored on board and he ate when needed, but his body still felt weak. Fragile. Tired.

“Voice?” he called out. “You there?”

‘ _I’m always here_.’

“Was I wrong to react the way I did?”

‘ _I cannot say. What are the facts?_ ’

“They lied to me. They hid vital information about my family from me. They didn’t know how to handle me. They sent me to train with Luke because they didn’t know what to do with me. Luke knew and didn’t say anything. He kept training me despite this, probably scared of how I would react.”

‘ _Why do you think your Master did that to you?_ ’

“He’s not my Master!” Ben hissed, burying his face into his knees.

‘ _Even so, why do you think he didn’t tell you about Darth Vader?’_ Ben remained silent and the voice continued. _‘He had the same chances your parents did, if not more. When you found out about Anakin Skywalker, he could have told you he was Darth Vader_.’

“I don’t know,” he wailed. “What do you think?”

‘ _Me?_ ’

Ben lifted his head but kept his arms wrapped tightly around his knees. “Yeah, what are your thoughts on this? You’ve been with me for as long as I remember. You’ve stuck around a lot longer than anyone else has. So yeah, I wanna know what you think about this.”

‘ _It is an honor you hold me in such regard, Ben Solo_.’

“Don’t call me that.”

‘ _Ben Solo?_ ’

“Don’t!” Ben jumped out of his seat and glared around the empty cockpit. “That name brings nothing but bad memories.”

‘ _What do you want to be called then?_ ’

“I-I don’t know,” he stuttered. “Just...not that.”

‘ _If you insist. Concerning Luke Skywalker, I believe you know the answer. You already voiced your beliefs when you confronted him days ago_.’

Like someone pressed the record button in his brain, the scene from Ossus played before Ben’s eyes.

**_“Then what is it, Master?” he asked mockingly. “That I would react badly to the fact that my grandfather was a Sith Lord? That he is everything that the Jedi teachings warn us against? Or that despite the Jedi teachings, my grandfather still fell to the dark side?”_ **

Ben staggered backwards, falling and hitting the side of his chair. “W-What?”

‘ _You said it in the heat of the moment but deep down, you knew that there was something wrong with Skywalker’s teachings. There was something amiss. The contradictions. This only confirmed your suspicions_.’

His back was pressed against the hull of the cockpit, cornering himself without even realising. “You always told me to stay with Skywalker. That I needed to learn fundamentals of the Force.” He didn’t even notice the way he referred to his uncle.

‘ _Yes_.’

“Do I still have to go back?”

‘ _What do you think?_ ’

“I think I’ve rather outgrown his teaching. He cannot help me anymore. I need a proper teacher, someone who won’t lie to me. Someone who is truly in tune with the Force. Someone who I can trust.”

There was a long stretch of silence until, ‘ _What are you proposing, young one?_ ’

“You once told me that you saw great potential in me. That it would be your pleasure to teach me the unique ways of the Force. Does your offer still stand?”

‘ _You know it to be true. I can see your soul, your mind and your keenness. You’ve laid yourself bare for me without even knowing. You are ready_.’

-

As instructed, he waited for some sort of signal, a sign, from the voice, indicating where he should go or what he should do next. Still floating in the Unknown Regions, Ben grew weary as the minutes ticked by, brain occupied by nothing but curiosity with a hint of doubt for what was to come. He was ninety-nine percent sure that this was the path he wanted to go down. The other Jedi Knights and padawans were never really close to him, the closest being Jayden and even then, Ben wasn’t going to be losing any sleep if he never saw him again.

That one percent of doubt was making Ben’s leg shake, his foot bouncing in irritability. The longer he waited, the larger that one percent became. He needed to do something. Remembering the last time he left his fate to someone else, a foul taste settled on his tongue. Luke Skywalker. Nothing but broken promises and empty words from a so-called Jedi.

Before he could register his actions, Ben flicked and tapped a bunch of buttons and jetted into hyperspace. He gritted his teeth as white stretched past the window. He had to go back, even if it meant running into Luke. As he reached across the stars, Ben felt no one at the Great Library, much less on Ossus. He couldn’t loiter around in space anymore, he had to take fate into his own hands. Never again would he blindly trust.

He was breaking through the atmosphere of Ossus when he replayed the scene in his mind once more. There was something more to the Library and the last times he was there only confirmed his suspicions. The light he saw, buried in rubble. He was confident he saw something there, even if Luke didn’t see anything. Considering his life and track record for having visions, this was one of the more benign things he had seen.

Ben retraced his steps, past numerous staircases until he reached the area he was sure he had been once before. The pile of rubble was just as he remembered. He spread his legs apart and with his hands stretched out and fingers splayed, he started separating the stack of fallen columns. It wasn’t hard, but each time a new piece was tossed aside only to reveal more rubble, frustration started to nibble the corners of his patience.

He growled and focused more energy in his movements, throwing the objects clear to the side and not caring for the damage he was causing around him. His fingers started to bend at the metacarpus, forming a claw to match his frantic swipes and wild look that shone in his eyes.

_Where?_

_Where, where, where, where, wh-_

A glimmer behind him cut through his panic-stricken thoughts. Like a starving man, Ben dove for the light, knees hitting the floor hard enough to bruise.  The object was small enough to fit in hit hand. It had six solid sides, like a cube but looked more like a pyramid with a flat top. Ben dusted it gently, as if he was worried that it would disappear any second. Holding it delicately, he closely inspected the shape, looking for an inscription or anything when his thumb rubbed against a groove at the base and the area around him lit up with a familiar blue glow.

There before him with bright dots and equally bright lines, was a star map.

‘ _This is your signal. Now, come to me_ ,’ whispered the voice.

Ben’s heart swelled, fulfillment and accomplishment bubbling, happy that he had made the right choice to trust his gut and visit Ossus. Without wasting another moment, Ben stood up and said, “Yes, Master,” not realising he had even spoken. The object still projected, entrancing Ben and lighting the way back to his ship.

-

Embarrassingly enough, it had taken him longer than he would have liked to find the destination the star map was leading him to. Ben would later defend himself by saying that it had led him into the Unknown Regions, the area where it was sparsely explored and mapped before. With only the aid of the stars shown from the polyhedra, Ben blindly navigated until he reach the expanse of space that was his goal.

But there was nothing there.

Ben doubled checked his calculations just to make sure but it only confirmed that the star map had led him to seemingly empty space. There was not a planet in sight.

Ben held the object up to his face, eyes narrowing, trying to find anything that could point him in the right direction. Just as he closed one of his eyes to squint at the polyhedra, there was a blur just beyond his ship. He lowered the object and blinked twice.

What was previously nothing now had a large rectangular monolith floating before him. Each side of the structure was dark, almost black so that it could be easily missed if one didn’t know what they were looking for[2]. But Ben was sure that it wasn’t there before.

‘ _Welcome, my child_.’

Hearing the familiar voice made Ben release the breath he didn’t realise he was holding. A small smile crept on his face as he sped towards the structure, not sure where to dock but knowing it was the right thing to do.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] Direct from Chapter 1  
> [2] So from this point onwards is really HC-ish/my personal theories. I've watched the Mortis Arc from The Clone Wars and read up on the Force Weilders/The Ones/Celestials. The monolith in this fic is similar to the Mortis monolith, but not the same since The Ones died and that monolith disappeared afterwards. But yeah, a warning as it hedges into HC/TIN HAT THEORY ZONE *imitates sirens*
> 
> Age: 22-23years old


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the fic lives!! well, i'm determined af to get to the last scene that i've dreamt about for a year so yeah, it's gonna get finished!! i have to get it done by the time TLJ comes out so you know it'll be done in two months, so AT LEAST THAT'S SOMETHING /sweats
> 
> Thank you again to Alexandra for still beta-ing this fic for me ;-; <3

He didn’t know what he was expecting, but entering the structure revealed a planetary environment within. It must have been artificially generated, since there were no openings to the outside for a sun or moon to shine, and yet the sky was bright to signify daytime. There was green all over the surface around him, with trees and flowers in full bloom.

Ben wasn’t sure where to go, so he set his ship down near a spring and started to explore the area. He had been to different planets before, always accompanying Luke on his errands, but this planet seemed different. There was something about it that made him be at ease despite not knowing where he actually was in the galaxy. He gazed into the spring by his ship. The water was clear the way his kyber crystal once was; his reflection looked back at him from the crystalline surface.

It was so perfect and surreal. He followed his gut with no expectations and yet, this was the best outcome he could possibly have hoped for. He would be stupid not to feel the Force vibrating off every object that encompassed the planet; every blade of grass from the fragile tension of the leaves to the stillness of the pond.

‘Maybe I should go back and tell the others of this place. This would be a far better place to train than whatever world Luke set up on.’

The moment he thought those ideas, a gust of wind blew from behind. Ben covered his face and shielded his eyes but when he withdrew his hands, he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. A large bird landed before him, with feathers darker than space, the wings stretched so far that it blocked all light from his view.

‘ _I would advise against going back to them at this time_.’

“Y-You?” Ben looked at the giant bird, momentarily gobsmacked before he composed himself with a brow raised. “I didn’t realise I was talking to a giant bird all my life,” he commented sarcastically.

‘ _I am able to take many forms_.’

“Will you show me your true form?”

‘ _One day, when you are ready_.’

Ben huffed, the feeling of being not trusted becoming all too familiar. “Okay, fine. When do you think I will be ready to be graced with your true form?”

The bird tutted. ‘ _Such insolence from a Jedi Knight. But understandable, given the circumstances. Tell me, Ben Solo, is this truly the path you want to take? There is no going back afterwards_.’

“Don’t call me that,” he said instinctively before continuing. “And why? If I cannot return then what makes you better than Skywalker?”

The bird’s beak opened and stretched wide, a roaring laugh that penetrated Ben’s eardrums. ‘ _Child, you will soon see that what I offer you cannot be taken lightly. I am a Force Wielder, the last of my kind, what few there were to begin with. Our affinity with the Force is unique and unlike anything you will ever see. As you can tell, there is no one else here. I only offer my knowledge to you. No one else. I have been here for many years, before the rise and fall of the Empire. Waiting until someone was worthy enough for my teachings. I will not teach someone who will quit when things do not go their way. I do not have time for weak minded individuals. After all, it’s taken the better part of your life before we were able to meet, and even now, I am unable to show you my true form. I need to know that I am not wrong about your character_.’

Ben’s chest swelled with pride. “I accept your offer.”

‘ _You need to understand what that means. You cannot leave. You cannot go back. Everything will change_.’

“I understand. I have nothing to go back to. There’s nothing left for me.”

‘ _What about your fellow padawans?_ ’

Ben faltered, thinking back to Jayden and the younger children that still needed training. “I-” His words faded, guilt settling in knowing he left so abruptly.

‘ _Maybe you should try to reach out and find them. The Force is strong here and will amplify your abilities. After all that has happened, check and see for yourself if they still think of you the same way_. _If you still have doubts, then you are not ready_.’

Ready to commit to his new future, Ben humored his soon-to-be Master. He closed his eyes and felt the Force flow through him, energy thrumming and filling every corner and crevice of his body. With minimal effort, he could feel Jayden, the older boy in the middle of training the padawans. Luke was nowhere to be seen, not that Ben expected Luke to return so soon.

He didn’t want to invade their minds so seeing an opportunity, he gently brushed over their consciences, only needing to perceive their feelings. It felt foreign. Ben had brushed over many minds in his lifetime but the feeling he got from the Jedi were different, yet familiar. Was it because there were so many Force users in one area? He was sure but the familiar part made his stomach turn. It was an inkling he couldn’t put his finger on. It was like a cloud was over the Jedi Academy, muddy and full of impurities. Ben scoffed, finding the irony in their thoughts being tainted. It was not the Jedi way and yet, he could not deny what he was sensing from the others.

And then it hit him.

The feeling was familiar because it was the same gut wrenching sensation he used to experience with his mother at the Senate. Identifying the memory, the headaches came back with a vengeance. It was like someone was taking a sonic wielder to his skull, pressing it against his temple and grinding it into his brain. It was throbbing and painful. It was something he didn’t want to experience ever again and yet, there he was - reliving painful moments of his life from people he had once trusted. Even Jayden was part of the muddied pillow.

Ben fell to the ground, hand clutching his head with his eyes squeezed shut. “M-Make it stop. P-Please,” he stuttered, unsure if the bird would even be able to help him.

Then in an instance, it was like bacta was applied directly to his brain. A coolness settled over the ridges of his mind, easing and soothing the young adult. He cracked an eye open and saw the bird hover over him, the beak pressed against his forehead gently. The bird pulled away and looked at him in satisfaction.

‘ _Have you made your final decision?_ Do accept my offer to become my apprentice?’

Ben rolled over as gracefully as he could before getting to his feet. He brushed his dirty brown Jedi robes and bowed deeply. “It would be an honor to learn the Force from one of the few remaining Force Wielders, if not the last one. You saw potential in me from when I was not but a child. It would be my honor to be your apprentice.”

The bird wrapped its wings around his, in comparison, small form. ‘ _I have waited for so long for this moment_. _I will teach you the ways of the Force that you cannot even fathom. You will be so powerful. More than you expect.’_

“What shall I address you as?”

‘ _Snoke. Just Snoke._ ’

-

The world they inhabited was imbued with the Force so that, according to Snoke, Ben could travel at impossible speeds with minimal effort. It took him no time to locate an appropriate room to reside in for the duration of his apprenticeship. There were large pillars peppered across the planet, all empty and constructed by the will of the Force. Ben chose the first one he saw as his place of residence; the bird not saying a word and following closely behind. As Snoke left him alone to retire for the night, Ben settled in his bed and looked out of the large window of his room.

Ben had to rub his eyes to double check what he was seeing. The sun was setting beyond the horizon and as the light retreated from sight, the trees across the land lost its color and leaves. The brown color from the trees bled into the earth and was replaced by silver; the blackness that enveloped the land contrasting with the stark silver. The sky was darker than he had seen and it unnerved him.

‘ _Do not fear the darkness. It is understandable for now as it is something unknown to you, but with time, you will embrace the day and night of this world. You’ll see,_ ’ Snoke breathed, his voice echoing Ben’s mind. ‘ _Sleep, child. Training starts tomorrow_.’

Nodding to his empty room, Ben slid under the covers and tried to sleep. It took him a while before the familiar sensation of his shoulders relaxing and mind drifting came to him. As the last of his consciousness slipped from his grasp, he vaguely wondered what happened to his ship.

-

He felt it a few days later. The pain. The screams. Then, the sudden nothingness.

Ben collapsed mid training and crumpled into a ball. “What is happening?” he screamed, the voices of Jayden and Aroonh and the other young padawans piercing through his head like a distant memory he could not shake. His green lightsaber extinguished and lay next to him. “Snoke, what was that?”

‘ _A test_.’

“ _Test?!_ ” he shrieked, getting to his feet with his hands balled by his side. Ben looked at the bird with a wild look in his eyes. “How was that a test?!”

‘ _Because you pledging your allegiance to me is not enough. It is one thing to promise your time and life to me but you must mean it. I looked inside and saw you hesitate when you first came. You still held attachments to the others. Understandable, since you grew up with them. They are the closest thing to family that you will have. Apologies. Were,’_ Snoke corrected.

“Were?” Ben’s heart sank and he reached out, hoping to feel their bright light still present. He tried and searched but couldn’t find them. They were nowhere. Snuffed and gone. “Why?” he asked weakly.

‘ _What did you think would happen? That you would just leave and everyone would go on with their lives like nothing had happened?’_

“Yes? That was my plan! I wasn’t going to go back! It wasn’t even a notion I entertained!” Ben spun around and summoned his lightsaber before stomping to the area where he had once left his ship. “Where is it? Where did you put it?”

‘ _Put what_?’ Snoke asked with faux innocence.

“You know what!” Ben growled, searching the area frantically. He jumped and zoomed around the planet’s surface, covering miles but still coming up empty. “My ship! Where is it?”

‘ _Why would I keep that ship here? You had no reason for its use in the immediate future, so I put it to better use._ ’

“Did you kill them all?”

‘ _Oh no, I did not.’_ Snoke let out a small laugh. ‘ _I was here all this time with you. I suppose in a way, you killed them with your hesitation_.’

“My hesitation?” Ben gaped at the bird, not believing what he was hearing.

‘ _As I said before, I do not need you returning to your old life. Training is over for the day. Return to your quarters and reflect on what you have felt. Think back to everything that has happened. Remember why you are here and remember why you agreed to become my apprentice. When you have found your answer, your training will resume. You will see that it was for the best.’_

Then, with three beats of his wings, Snoke was nothing more than a blip in the distance. As Ben tiredly made his way back to his pillar, the trees around him wilted into their characteristic ‘night forms’. Silver tree trunks surrounded and guided him back to his pillar. There was no denying that the world he was on felt sinister and the things Snoke recited had become more and more vague like Luke’s before. Ben had only been with Snoke for a few days, but it felt like at least a month had passed, if not more.

Tethering on the edge of his patience, Ben ignited his lightsaber and swung at a nearby tree. His green blade connected with the silver tree for a split second, only for Ben to fall through like it disappeared. He looked up and saw the tree still present. He even placed a hand at the base to make sure it really was there. The tree felt smooth, unlike any he had ever felt, and it thrummed with power of the Force. If this world was imbued with the Force, then he shouldn’t have been surprised that the trees were atypical.

It didn’t matter what he may or may not have thought. He still screamed out in anger and pounded his fists into the silver roots, not caring if his skin split open or if his flesh howled each time his knuckles hit the tree.

‘ _What are you doing_?’ Snoke asked from afar.

“You did this to me!” Ben screamed, looking around wildly to find the bird but found none. “You lured me to this place! You’re keeping me prisoner here! And now you say that I brought death upon my padawans?” Tears streamed down Ben’s face without him realising. “This was a mistake.”

‘ _This is why you have to understand the gravity of becoming my apprentice. But I do not lie when I tell you that you have great potential. You have something in you that makes you special. You can change the galaxy, reshape it in ways you cannot fathom. However, the state you are in cannot even come close to achieving that. You have lost your balance. It’s been lost longer than you know.’_

“I lost it the moment I left Luke.” He glared angrily at the sky.

‘ _No,_ ’ Snoke said with a tinge of sadness in his voice. ‘ _Longer than that. Follow my advice and think back to everything that has happened. Everything_ ,’ he emphasised. ‘ _If you are still adamant in what you think, then I will release you. But until then, meditate. Contemplate. Recollect yourself. Feel the Force around you.’_

Knowing that their discussion was over, Ben stomped back to his quarters, begrudgingly following Snoke’s advice.

‘What does he want me to think about?’ Ben thought angrily to himself. ‘What about?’ He flopped on his bed with a huff and scowled at the ceiling. He tried focusing on the swirls of lines that were etched into the ceiling but found his mind drifting back to the cries and screams of anguish.

They were so real, so clear, like Jayden was next to him. Or rather, as if Ben was back at the Jedi Academy with his fellow peers.

He couldn't stop himself from reminiscing his earlier years; the rivalry between himself and Jayden resulted in the pair growing closer than he ever expected. Ben felt rattled hearing Jayden’s anguished cries. Pressing his hands over his ears did nothing but he did so anyway, eyes closed and curled into himself. He didn’t how long he remained in that position, only that he was beyond exhausted when sleep finally took pity on him.

He lost track of time. Whether one day or one month passed, Ben was none the wiser. He remained in his tower, only eating when his body could not stave off the hunger any more. It didn’t feel like much time passed but his facial hair indicated otherwise. His appearance became haggard and unkempt; his normally clean face now dirty with the beginnings of a wiry beard in the making.

Snoke didn’t contact him at all. For once, he would have welcomed any sort of distraction the voice used to give him, anything to take his mind away from thinking about the Jedi Academy he abandoned. The girl was also absent. Ben sneered at the convenience of it all, bitter that she had not appeared in his dreams or otherwise.

As he laid his head down on his frumpy pillow, Ben stared at the old cup of water that sat on his bedside table for the past few days. He licked his chapped lips, his teeth coming up to gnaw at what little remaining skin covered his mouth. He hadn’t gone for training in days and yet he still felt worn out. He either napped the day away or stared into space, replaying what precious memories he had at the academy.

Like previous nights, his fatigued body succumbed and his eyes slipped shut. He wasn’t sure if what he did was considered sleep. His eyes darted under his lids and he must have fallen asleep at some point since it was bright when he awoke, but it felt like he merely rested his eyes and counted down until the sun rose.

In the darkness of his mind, he saw Jayden. The older boy looked different, younger than when he last saw him. He grinned at him and Ben looked at his surroundings. He realised it was when he gained his Knighthood. Jayden pulled Ben into a hug, much to his displeasure at the time, and congratulated him. The scene faded and Jayden’s sunny disposition morphed into a concerned frown. It was when Ben had blabbed about seeing Imperial ships by Luke’s hut. Everything around him changed but Jayden’s face stayed the same - the corners of his mouth tugged downwards and the bridge between his brows pinched together. There was something in his eyes. Ben didn’t need to look around to know it was the last time he saw the other Jedi Knight, right before he told him the news about Ben’s family tree.

Ben had relived that moment many times before. Just like clockwork, Jayden parted his mouth and uttered the words that made his world crumble.

“ _Your grandfather is Darth Vader_.”

However, it was different this time. His eyes were different.

“ _Master Solo?_ ”

Ben reeled back and looked down at the young padawan who addressed him. It was the kid who told him that Master Skywalker had already gone offworld.

“ _Is what they’re saying true?_ ”

The kid moved to stand next to Jayden, the pair of them staring at him as if he had all the answers.

“I-” Ben gaped at them, mouth opening and closing like a fish.

And then, something changed. Ben stopped gawking and narrowed his eyes instead. The two before him kept frowning but didn’t say a word. They stayed like that for a while until Ben identified what was off about them. It was clear as day and once he saw it, he couldn’t unsee it anymore.

Distrust. Suspicion. Wariness.

Different degrees reflected in their eyes, but it was there. Ben’s face hardened and as if he could control the dream, his mind broke from the memory and forced his eyes open. His body still felt tired, but his mind was buzzing. He thought back to all the moments he had with Jayden, but couldn’t shake the revelation. Jayden didn’t trust him. Ben wasn’t sure if he ever did. Now the thick muddied cloud over the Jedi Academy made sense.

The blankets pooled at his waist as he sat up, fingers massaging his temple. He remembered the screams of the padawans until silence sliced through their cries. This time, it felt different. _He_ felt different. He couldn’t bring himself to feel sorrow for them. Some part of him knew that that wasn’t right; he believed to be indirectly responsible for their deaths, but before he could stop himself, a single thought slipped out.

‘If they trusted me then maybe they would still be alive.’

Then it all came rushing to him. He felt hopeless to the thoughts that came. Each memory he brought forward had the glint of mistrust in Jayden’s eyes. In each padawan who passed by. In Master Skywalker’s eyes.

Something niggled at his mind but Ben pushed the feeling aside, his body and face becoming hot with anger.

“How dare they?” he seethed, hands ripping the blankets from his body. His nerves felt like they were on fire. He paced back and forth, arms pumping and fingers taut. He didn’t know what to do. He tried to think back to a time where he felt guilt for what happened to Luke’s Jedi Academy but came up empty. Like in so many dreams before, he felt like he was drowning. He couldn’t breathe.

Sounds of gasps and wheezing filled the room before a thud then silence.

He didn’t know how long he laid on the floor, his limbs aching when he tried to move. As he pushed himself up to his knees, his palms ground down and felt something coarse under his skin. Something fine, like sand.

Ben’s brow furrowed as he groped the ground, trying to scoop what little sand dusted the floor. What was sand doing in here? Lifting his hand to his face, he inspected the granules, finding it as innocuous as he suspected. Just as he tilted his hand to the ground, Ben’s eyes widened at the sand hissing against the cold hard floor, the particles scattering all over. He had heard that noise before. It was the same soft noise that made him run around his hut during his last days at the Jedi Academy.

_Rustle. Rustle._

He jumped to his feet and whipped his head around painfully, ignoring the aches and pains from his already bone-tired body. He dashed to the window and eagerly looked out, as if it was going to be as easy as that to find _her._

As expected, all he saw was the bright planet below; flowers in full bloom with rivers and creeks glistening in the sunlight. His shoulders slouched, finding nothing of value outside and turned his back to the light falling through the window.

_Rustle. Rustle._

_Got it!_

Ben remained perfectly still, not trusting his body to move, in fear that he would lose her again. He couldn’t see her anywhere so he merely closed his eyes and tried to center himself. Like so often before, he breathed deep through his nostrils and out through his mouth, eyes fluttering as he started to meditate. The warmth from the sun outside helped calm his already racing heart.

_Hopefully I have enough for two portions!_

She sounded young, younger than he had expected. Wherever she was, it must be a desert planet, if the sound of sand was anything to go by. The sound of sand crunching under her weight came back. He listened to her move around, soft clangs as she dragged whatever she found across the sand.

As hard as he tried, he still couldn’t see her. Even through his half open eyes, all he could make out was his room. A sigh escaped his lips. He squeezed his eyes shut before opening them once more. His vision was slightly blurred and in that moment, he saw a vague outline of her, except she looked like how she always appeared to him as. Older. Almost his age even. But her appearance didn’t match the young voice he heard. And he still couldn’t see past the shadows that covered her face. Her clothing was clearer now; tight bindings wrapped around her body with brown satchel at her waist and a quarterstaff clenched in her hand.

Once his eyes refocused after being closed, like the blurriness, she disappeared once he could see properly again.

He felt lost but he wasn’t afraid anymore. Questions were still scuttling in his brain, but Ben felt okay with that. In the thirteen years he had seen her, this was the closest he had felt to her - whoever she was. Ben turned around and leaned against the window sill. He saw a bird fly around in the distance; Snoke, he assumed. He didn’t know how long he had missed training, but Snoke’s distance from him was somewhat comforting. There was no pressure for him to figure things out faster. He was just left alone to come to terms with what had happened. Thinking back, a lot had happened. Between finding out everyone he had ever known had lied to him, to taking on a different Master, to being able to finally  hear the girl, Ben was thankful for the solitude Snoke had granted him. He closed his eyes and basked in the sunlight.

For some reason, his mind went back to the Imperial starships he had seen, behind Luke’s hut as well as in space. The ships had looked decrepit and skeletal, as if it abandoned for several years. He wasn’t sure what to make of it and he certainly didn’t know why he was being subjected to so many visions of destroyed Imperial starships. Maybe the Force was telling him something? Maybe it had something to do with the girl?

The girl.

He had felt a change in him for some time. As he grew stronger with the Force, the visions became more frequent, but arriving on Snoke’s planet was something else. He felt powerful. His mind felt clearer. He couldn’t believe he doubted Snoke all those days ago. Everything started to make sense now.

If being on the planet alone allowed Ben to hear the girl, then maybe following Snoke’s teachings would be the key he needed to unlock her mysteries. Ben felt confident in his conclusion. Yes, this was the right path to take.

When he finally made his way outside, his body felt rejuvenated. The sun was setting in the distance but he didn’t mind. Ben was eager to resume his training and it didn’t matter if it was day or night when he started. He wanted to learn. He wanted to train. He wanted to be better than Luke Skywalker could ever train him to be.

‘ _You are ready_?’ Snoke asked, settling down behind Ben without making a sound.

“Yes, I am. I understand now. Everything that has happened was for the best. It was inevitable. I’m ready,” said Ben, back still facing Snoke.

‘ _This pleases me greatly, Ben Solo_.’

“I thought we agreed to not call me that.”

“Then what do you wish to be called?”

The new voice made Ben turn around with a start. Behind him was not a giant bird, but an old man in a black cloak. He had a hood over his head but he could see the warped skin that was Snoke’s face. “This is you?”

“Yes. I have existed for so long that even I cannot stop it from showing.” Snoke gestured at his face with a shrug. “No matter. What would you like to be called?”

Ben remained silent for a beat before asking, “Why did you chose me? What makes me so special? You could have chosen anyone in the galaxy but you chose me. Why?” His voice was firm, refusing to be kept in the dark anymore.

“As you know, I am a Force Wielder. The last of my kind. If I am to pass my knowledge to someone, they must have the right balance of the Force. It cannot be totally light and it cannot be totally dark. You have read the history of the galaxy, am I right? The galaxy has gone on far too long seeing everything as black and white. I hope that with my knowledge, whomever I train will help me set the galaxy right again. Realign it, if you will. You have the right balance to shape this galaxy, equal amounts of the light and dark side of the Force. Afterall, one cannot exist without the other.”

“I’m the only one you found with the right balance?” Ben cocked a brow at the old man.

“Currently, yes. Your family is strong in the Force. There was one other person who had potential to undertake this same path.” Snoke left his statement hanging.

Ben took a stab in the dark. “My grandfather?”

Snoke nodded, a smile forming on his face. “He had the right amount of balance. He was known as the ‘Chosen One’ for a reason.”

“But he was a Sith Lord.”

“Unfortunately, I was not able to get to him in time, much less train him. He could not keep himself balanced and fell to the dark side.”

Ben puffed his chest. “I won’t,” he proclaimed. “I’ll finish what he started. All my life, I’ve been told that the Force is strong in my family. I will show you that your decision in taking me as your apprentice was not a mistake.”

Snoke chuckled, the sound making Ben more confident in his new Master. “I know you will do great things. Now for the question at hand. What do you want to be called if you abhor Ben Solo so much?”

Ben frowned. He wasn’t sure what to choose, but hearing how important balance was inspired him. His family lied to him, but he could not deny that they still raised him. He didn’t feel right completely discarding his birth name. After a while, he came to a decision. “Kylo,” he said.

“Kylo?” Snoke repeated back.

“Ky, for Skywalker, my mother’s maiden name. Lo, for Solo, my father’s name.” Ben hoped that his explanation was enough. He watched as Snoke stroked his chin, lost in thoughts before nodding in agreement.

“A fine name. You truly are the student for me. Some would consider keeping a part of your family with you as you embark on this new path as a weakness.”

“That is the Sith way of thinking. A fine balance needs to be achieved between light and dark.”

“My thoughts precisely.” Snoke approached him and clapped a thin hand on his shoulder. “Welcome to your new home, Kylo.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Age: 23yo


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tfw you highkey know you can't finish your fic by the time TLJ comes out rip.
> 
> So, I've had this chapter finished for two weeks now, and I haven't even touched the next. I'll keep on chipping away this fic when inspiration hits (from time to time akjdghsjdgs), but this isn't going to be finished before December 15 ;-; *shakes fist* curse my plans! 
> 
> Oh well. At least this chapter is super long for everyone!
> 
> Thank you again to Alexandra for beta-ing :3

He stood with his hands clasped behind his back. He felt them enter the atmosphere before the ship even appeared as a blip on the horizon. His back was straight and rigid, a result from his intense training. The past two years with Snoke had been different, but similar to his time with Luke. He still kept up with his drills and practiced with his lightsaber, feeling his form become stronger and more disciplined. Maybe it was the planet he was on or maybe it was how Snoke trained him that made a difference. Either way, Kylo had no complaints in the last two years.

Now as a black ship landed in front of him, Kylo couldn’t help but inhale and jutt his chest out in pride. He felt Snoke approach and stand behind him, both waiting for the occupants of the ship to disembark.

The first to step out was a Pantoran female in a black robe. She seemed to be the leader of the group as the rest trickled out slowly afterwards. There were seven in total, all in black robes, but the blue skinned female stood apart from the others. She stepped forward without a glance to the others and addressed Kylo and Snoke.

“Are you the ones who called us here?” she asked, yellow eyes narrowing as she spoke. There was disbelief painted across her face at the sight of him and Snoke.

“I believe it was my Master who summoned you,” Kylo said with an incline of his head to the man behind him.

“Summoning us, as if we are your servants already.” The female scowled and pushed past Kylo. “Who do you think you are to do such a thing?” A disgusted look formed on her face at the sight of Snoke.

“You should watch your tone when in the presence of a Force Wielder,” Kylo said, turning around and glaring at the female coldly.

“I am Kiza of the Acolytes of the Beyond. You have no idea what we have gone through, so maybe _you_ should watch your tongue when talking to me!” The blue skin female unclipped a silver cylindrical object from her belt and pressed the button.

On instinct, Kylo brandished his own lightsaber, green light glowing and contrasting with the red that was Kiza’s lightsaber. “You have a lightsaber?”

“Of course! This was gifted to me and is imbued with the power of the dark side.” She twirled the lightsaber around, lines of red dancing before everyone.

Kylo scoffed and rolled his eyes at the display. “Your form is sloppy,” he commented, flicking his own weapon off. He could not see the point in even taking her seriously. “Your stance is weak and your posture even less so. You use your whole body in swinging that around without any regard to technique.” Kylo turned to Snoke. “Was there a reason in bringing them here?”

Snoke chuckled. “Yes, yes,” he reassured. “You will see there is a reason for them. Put down your weapon, Kiza, for it is not us who are your enemy.”

“Lies,” she hissed, gripping the lightsaber tighter. Before Kylo could lift his hand to summon the Force to disarm her, Snoke merely clenched his fist and the red lightsaber disengaged. Kiza let out a startled cry when the lightsaber flew from her hands and onto the dirt below. Kiza stared at her empty hand before narrowing her eyes at them. “Who are you?”

“All in due time.” Snoke turned around and led the group further into the planet, much to Kiza’s displeasure. Kylo trailed behind and observed the newcomers.

Besides the Pantoran, the rest had identical black robes with hoods over their heads, obscuring their faces from view. With careful precision, Kylo skimmed over their minds. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Snoke’s judgement; on the contrary, Kylo had become enraptured with Snoke’s teachings and wisdom. No, rather than bothering his Master with insignificant details, Kylo took the situation in his own hands and checked their minds himself for any nefarious intentions.

They thought themselves as shadows and slaves to the Force. They were collectors of relics belonging to the ones they believed had the power to correctly wield the Force. Who they regarded as the ones who were correct in the ways of the Force concerned Kylo. He didn’t have to pull aside their robes to know that the remaining six had various weapons hidden under their clothes, all clenched tightly in their hands as if they were expecting an altercation. They were large and bulky, as apparent from the bumps protruding through their robes.

He wasn’t sure why Snoke brought them here, or how, for that matter. The darkness that dwelled within them put Kylo on edge. There was too much dark side with little to no light. There was no balance, so what did Snoke want with them?

It wasn’t until dusk that Kylo was able to have a word with his Master. The acolytes were huddled together after a meeting with Snoke that Kylo was not privy to. The young apprentice grimaced in disdain when one of the larger acolytes stomped his foot down and brandished a large axe sword. It looked like a basic weapon, but the red that was painted sloppily over its surface simply made it look childish.

“Master, what is the point of bringing them here, of all places?” Kylo didn’t want to question Snoke so blatantly, but he had to know.

“Kylo, you have been nothing short of exemplary these past two years. You’ve taken everything I’ve thrown at you in stride. Literally.” The corners of Kylo’s mouth tipped upwards at the offhand comment. “But the fact that you cannot see their potential shows that you still have much to learn.”

“Their potential? They’re a bunch of darkside fanatics.” Kylo threw another look in their direction as he spoke.

“Everyone has potential if it is seized and harvested properly. Tell me, Kylo, why do you think they are so obsessed with Sith Lords? Why not the Jedi?” When Kylo came up with nothing, Snoke continued. “It is true that neither Jedi nor Sith were right. Both practices had flaws, but you know from your experience that the Jedi were a secretive bunch. Hiding in plain sight so that even the history books were misconstrued to suit their views.”

Kylo took over the moment he could. “But the Sith were more transparent with their intentions.”

“Indeed. The acolytes are special in that they have a unique view of the Sith. Through their worship, they have stumbled upon an important aspect of the Force. Once you, my apprentice, find out what it is, you will understand why I have gone to such painstaking lengths to bring them here.”

Kylo wanted to ask more questions, but in a blink of an eye, Snoke disappeared, leaving Kylo alone with the acolytes.

-

The group refused to seek shelter in one of the pillars on the planet, insisting on residing within their ship. Kylo growled when he saw the ship still there the next day, bitter that his own ship was taken away while theirs remained.

‘ _Jealous_?’ Snoke asked in his mind.

“No, Master,” he bit out.

‘ _Greet our guests. Your observation is correct with their forms. What better way to find out more about them than to give them a few training sessions?’_

Kylo grumbled but proceeded without complaint. Somehow, he knew that the idea would not be received the same way the padawans back at the New Jedi Academy had. At least, they were eager and volunteered their time willingly.

True to his assumption, Kiza barked out a laugh at his suggestion. “You! Teach us? You are a child!” The other acolytes laughed along with their leader, albeit with less enthusiasm.

With an annoyed huff, Kylo crossed his arms over his chest. “If you don’t want to accept my offer, what is the point of you staying here?”

“Oh?” Kiza sprung up from the rock she had been sitting on. Like a snake, she neared him with a foreboding glint in her yellow eye. “You don’t know? You really must be a child if Snoke didn’t even bother telling you.”

“You misinterpreted my words. What are you to do with all your spare time?” Kylo glared at the ill-mannered woman.

“ _We_ will train. I don’t know what _you_ plan to do.” With a crunch of dirt, Kiza spun around and ushered her group away from him.

Kylo clenched and unclenched his fists. Never in his life had he encountered such insolence.

-

Later in the day, Kylo found himself submerged in one of the planet’s many lakes. It was one of his frequent exercises Snoke had taught him. When he first started his training with the Force Wielder, he could not even last a few minutes in the lake before clawing his throat and gasping for air. Now, he was able to stay underwater for a considerable amount of time, solely relying on the Force and the elements around him.

He found it peculiar that he had come to a point where he felt so relaxed in the water when he still had dreams of drowning. Sometimes he wondered if Snoke knew about his dreams and put him through his training to distract him from them, but discarded the idea soon after it formed. If Snoke couldn’t see the girl in his dreams then he couldn’t see what else he dreamt.

The girl’s appearances during his waking moments became more frequent while his dreams of her remained more or less the same. He would see her from the corner of his eye or make out the outline of her body, hunched over as she fiddled with whatever she grasped in her hands. She was still not distinctly visible, but it was more than he could have asked for. It must have been the Force imbued with the planet that allowed him to see her better.

Kylo’s eyes snapped open as he felt someone approach his lake and break his reverie. He glided to the surface with a Brezak’s grace and hoisted himself out of the lake. He didn’t need to look to know that an astray acolyte had approached him.

He dabbed his brow with his towel and draped it over his head before he turned to the newcomer. There was nothing special about the acolyte, still dressed in a black robe with a hood obscuring their face. He could just make out red skin and a strong jaw.

Kylo merely stood by the lake, the water dripping from his robes glistening in the sun, not saying a word. He continued to stare at the acolyte, refusing to be the first to talk.

Finally, the acolyte spoke with a deep male voice. “What were you doing?”

Kylo sniffed. “One of my training exercises.”

“But you were underwater for an hour.”

Hearing how long he was absent, Kylo couldn’t help but feel pleased at his time. “And?”

“You are human.”

“Get to the point.” He had little patience for whatever point the acolyte was trying to convey, especially after Kiza had made it clear that the acolytes were to have nothing to do with him.

“You are human and yet you do not require oxygen like others.”

Kylo stopped him from going further. “No, no, I do. My training with Master Snoke has allowed me to manipulate the amount of oxygen I would need, depending on the situation I’m in.”

The acolyte frowned. “You are able to do such things?”

“Of course.”

“Snoke told us that if we stayed here, we would find who we are looking for.”

This was news to Kylo. “And who might that be?” Kylo asked.

“We do not know,” the acolyte replied after a long pause. “Kiza believes it to be her.”

“But you do not.”

The acolyte lifted his head up just enough for Kylo to make out the distinct horn-headed features of a Devaronian. Taking his chance, Kylo carefully slipped into the man’s head, skimming the surface before going deeper. As he suspected, the acolyte, Korbus, as Kylo found out, was following Kiza’s lead in hopes to find a particular Force user that could manipulate the Force and in turn, reshape the galaxy like it so desperately needed.

Kylo pulled out and stared at the other man. “You think the person you’re looking for is Snoke.”

“The other acolytes and I have followed Kiza for a long time, but we all knew that Kiza was not the one. She’s had that lightsaber for as long as I’ve known her and now believes that because of that, she can somehow train in the Force and change the galaxy herself.”

“That’s not how the Force works. So, why are you telling me this?”

“If Snoke has asked you to train us, then I think that we should be open to that idea.”

And just like that, everything became clear to Kylo. “You want me to do something about Kiza.” Kylo scoffed. “Who’s the servant now? Why don’t you get rid of her yourself if you feel so strongly against her.”

“I’ve known her for over a decade. She is like family. But maybe you can. Not kill her,” he quickly clarified. Kylo fought the urge to roll his eyes; he had no intention to become a murderer anytime soon. “But there’s something wrong with her; has been for some time. She doesn’t let the lightsaber out of her sight and keeps it on her at all times. I think the darkness within the relic is taking over.”

“What’s so special about the lightsaber?”

“We purchased it not long after the Empire fell. We’re under the assumption that it belonged to Darth Vader.”

At the mention of his grandfather, Kylo stood up straighter, unable to keep the interest from showing on his face. “Vader,” he breathed. “How?”

“Another one of us, Vermia, used to work for the Kubaz thief who sold us the lightsaber. She came to us when the thief died, informing us that it may not truly be Vader’s lightsaber. Thankfully, it was not destroyed yet, but fell into Kiza’s hands. Whether or not it was Vader’s doesn’t matter anymore. Kiza thinks she can become Vader.”

“ _Become_ Vader?” Kylo let out a bark of laughter. “What the kriff are you acolytes even doing with yourselves?”

Korbus bristled at Kylo’s mockery. “Do you know why we associate with the dark side so much? All living things are bound by the Force, slaves to the currents the Force generates. Whoever are able to wield the Force controls the river that we are all subjected to. The Jedi _could_ control the currents, but a Sith _can_. This is what we believe to be true, as seen from their power alone. The Sith brought the Old Republic to its knees. Who was right there when it all happened and if anything, instigated it all?”

Kylo regarded Korbus seriously. “Darth Vader.”

“If one can become as powerful as Darth Vader, then one has the ability to change the galaxy and reshape it for the better.” Korbus looked behind him in the direction of where the other acolytes were. “I have to get back, but think over it. We are all willing to learn from you or Snoke; it’s Kiza you need to convince.”

As the red skinned man walked back to his associates, Kylo frowned, stewing over the new information.

-

“Do you think it’s real?” Kylo asked Snoke, later that night.

“Unlikely, but I cannot say for sure unless I have it in my hands,” Snoke said, watching Kylo stand by the window of his room.

“Is that why they’re here? To take the lightsaber?”

“Oh, no, no. That detail is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Remember what I asked of you, my apprentice.”

“They worship the Sith to the point of obsession, Master. They think that the Sith have the ability to change the galaxy and control the ‘current’,” Kylo said, holding up his fingers for emphasis, “That is the Force. We know this not to be true. Pure light and pure darkness do not have the right balance to control anything.”

“Yes!” Snoke’s mouth widened to painful smile. “I have brought them here because it is their belief of how to control the Force that makes them different.”

Kylo looked at him, unimpressed. “They have too much darkness in them.”

“And like you, you had too much light in you. You’ve become wiser and have almost achieved balance. What better way to test your powers than to convert these dark side fanatics to a more lighter side. Bestow some balance to them, if you will. Challenge yourself.”

Kylo growled. “From what I have gathered, they are willing to learn from us, but their leader, Kiza, is stopping them. Master, tell me. What is the point of involving them?” His chest felt like it was being squeezed. He didn’t understand Snoke’s reasoning.

“It’s not much use spreading balance to the galaxy if it’s only the two of us. It’s time for our numbers to grow.”

“They cannot use the Force.”

“You don’t need the Force to understand it. Train them as I have you. Make them strong, like you, so that you can all live to see the galaxy in a better state. Besides, they have galactic contacts that could prove to be useful.”

-

A pain struck his side, causing him to come out of his sleep. He laid awake in the darkness, the moonlight falling across his face. Despite this, his eyes weren’t burdened by the light, rather staring at the ceiling to recall his dream.

Something was happening with the girl. He had experienced pains randomly before, always chalking it up as minor injuries the girl endured but this time it was strong enough to rouse him from sleep. The best he could explain the feeling was how he felt when he went too long meditating without eating. Hunger pains.

Kylo turned over and curled inwards, hoping it would relieve the discomfort.

It did not.

-

“Kiza.”

The Pantoran female turned at her name being called. At the sight of Kylo approaching, a sneer morphed her face. “Ah, Snoke’s pet.”

He couldn’t help snapping at the name. “I am no pet!” Kylo gritted his teeth, hating how the blue female got on his nerves.

“If you insist,” she sang, grinning as she twirled her lightsaber. It was like she knew what he wanted, teasing him endlessly. “What do you want?”

The way she looked down at him despite being nowhere near his height struck a chord. “You should reconsider my offer.” The words burned in his mouth, forcing his face into a scowl.

“What offer?” She looked at him unimpressed.

Kylo hated to repeat himself, much less an offer he had little desire fulfilling with each passing moment. “The one ordered to me by my Master.”

“Why should I learn from you when I could learn from the best? Why settle for second best when I can learn from the Master?”

The sheer audacity and impertinence was unbearable. He had enough; Kylo would not stand to be mocked so openly by someone who knew nothing of the Force. “If that is what you wish.” With a tilt of his head, Kylo snapped around and stomped away, not caring if his anger made the Force around him unstable.

‘ _What’s the matter_?’

“She insists on being trained by you,” said Kylo. Snoke was nowhere to be seen, but Kylo knew he was nearby, or at least nearby in his mind. He didn’t care if passing acolytes saw him talking to seemingly no one.

‘ _She does, does she? Well, if she insists…_ ’ Snoke trailed off, leaving Kylo huffing at his Master’s submission to a nobody.

-

“I thought you were going to take care of it,” Korbus growled, not long after Kiza left the other acolytes to train with Snoke. Even Snoke had left Kylo alone, insisting that he trust his judgement.

“Why waste my time on a lost cause?” Kylo deadpanned. Korbus had approached him in the middle of one of his mediation sessions.

“So you think we’re a lost cause?”

“Kiza is. The rest of you have not given me a reason to think so.”

“Train us then,” demanded Korbus.

Kylo let out a long sigh and opened his eyes slowly. He uncurled his legs from his cross legged position and stood to full height. Korbus was close to his height so it was not hard to look him in the eye. His brow furrowed. “Do you speak for the others?”

“Yes. I wasn’t lying when I said that we are open to the idea of you training us. Besides, with Kiza taking up Snoke’s time, we’re not the only ones left behind.” Korbus looked pointedly at Kylo. “Train us. There’s nothing else for us to do anyways.”

Kylo hummed, lost in thought as he weighed the pros and cons. After a long moment, a smile crept onto his face. “Okay, I’ll do it. We’ll start tomorrow at sunrise.”

As Korbus walked back to the other acolytes with a spring in his step, Kylo couldn’t help but feel a similar excitement. This would be his first time training someone else with his newfound perspective on the Force, and he was simply thrilled.

-

Not having to worry about the fragility of young padawans, Kylo tailored his training regime to suit the needs of the acolytes. They all wielded different weapons; out in the open, he saw axes, chainsaws and clubs propped against the side of their ship, all with haphazard red paint splashes. They were not Force sensitive, but what they lacked in sensitivity, they made up in discipline. Surviving in the New Republic forced them to become organised and learn to fight. They understood that the Force flowed and controlled all life, but were grateful for that they were not the few who could use the Force. One of the acolytes, a female named Vyri, commented offhandedly that the Force had other plans for them and that collecting Sith artefacts was one of them.

“But why? What’s the point?” Kylo asked in the middle of training, his large frame fighting off Vyri and another named Yiz.

“Because the Sith are the only ones who truly appreciated the Force and by destroying Sith relics, we can return their power to them in the afterlife,” Vyri said with surprising stability, considering her current activity. She threw a punch at Kylo only for her to swing through air and be knocked down from behind. A second later, Yiz came tumbling down next to her.

“But we haven’t had the chance to properly destroy them in a while,” said Korbus who stood at the sidelines, watching the match play out.

“Yes, Kiza decided to stop the rituals that destroys the relics but insisted on continuing their collection,” said another female, Vermia.

As Vyri and Yiz climbed back to their feet, Kylo turned to the ship they arrived in. “So, you have a bunch of dark relics just sitting inside your ship?”

“Pretty much-Hey! You can’t go in there!”

Kylo ignored the outcry and flicked his wrist behind him, causing the six acolytes to fly backwards and incapacitate them momentarily. He tried the door but finding it locked, he grasped the handle tightly until he heard a click before stomping inside. He didn’t know why he was so fixated on seeing their relics; they were dark artifacts that had no business concerning him. But with Korbus’s recent mention of Darth Vader, Kylo couldn’t help but feel curious.

He opened a large sack at the back of the ship and upturned it, its contents sprawling all over the durasteel floor. A startling amount of masks came tumbling out but one in particular caught his eye. He gingerly picked it up and held it close to his face, eyes narrowing in inspection. It was curved at the top like a helmet but ended at the eyes. Four silver stripes framed the eye area before abruptly stopping, as if someone had smashed the front of the mask.

There was something about the mask that he couldn’t put his finger on. It felt _right_ in his hands, and for that, Kylo dropped it like it was made of fire. His heart raced as he stormed out of the ship, disregarding the six bodies that remained motionless behind. He needed to get away from the darkness.

-

Like how he first arrived on the strange monolith of a planet, days blurred together and Kylo lost track of how long he had been training the acolytes. It felt as though a substantial amount of time passed, but there was no way of knowing for sure.

However long he had been training them, Kylo felt a twinge of pride tug within him. They had made good progress. If he was comparing their form to when he first encountered Kiza, theirs had become strong and controlled with their feet parted and properly grounded.

In the middle of training, a splitting pain blossomed at his side. The acolytes had paired up and were sparring against each other with their respective weapons, so Kylo was supervising the session. He took his eyes off the six and looked down at his side, hand pressed against his clothes, trying to find blood, but coming up dry.

“Kylo?”

He heard his name being called out by one of the acolytes but he ignored it, too busy staring at his clean hand. It shook.

_Are you okay?_

_Y-yeah_.

_It’s almost done._

“What’s almost done?”

“What?”

Kylo looked up to see the acolyte by the name of Oret staring at him. The thin male was paired with another called Lalu, who also looked on in curiosity. Kylo didn’t realise he had spoken out loud. “What?” Kylo parroted back at him.

Ovret looked nervous. “You usually keep a close eye on us, but you just spaced out and then started talking to someone? But we didn’t say anything?”

Maybe it was the confusion, or maybe it was the sinking feeling in his stomach that something was happening to the girl - something that wasn’t quite right - but Kylo snapped before he even knew what he was doing. “Shouldn’t you be training?” he hissed. “Maybe if you focused on training instead of what I’m doing then you would actually be worthy of my time.”

Ovret’s cheeks reddened with anger as he narrowed his eyes. He growled and made a move towards Kylo. “You arrogant-”

Before the acolyte could get his insult out, a yell ripped from his throat as he was flung across to the other side of the training area. All the other acolytes froze in what they were doing and stared at the dark haired Force-user. It was the first time they witnessed such behaviour from their teacher. None of them knew what to do.

“You won’t get stronger if you spend all your time gawking,” Kylo ground out, voice deathly low that it almost sounded like a purr. Almost.

As the remaining acolytes resumed their training without another glance spared in his direction, Kylo watched over them with unseeing eyes, hand by his side, clenching and unclenching. The same hand that should have been stained with blood.

Her blood.

-

Sweat rolled down the side of his head as he tossed and turned in his sleep. His blankets tangled around his torso and long legs, almost strangling his body, but it went unnoticed compared to the battle in the middle of his mind . His fists were stuck to his sides and curled into tight balls, knuckles white as he rode out his nightmare.

She was furious. Livid. The anger that coursed through her was something that felt familiar within him, himself experiencing too much anger to last a lifetime. But to feel it from her, the mysterious girl who always seemed cool and collected, was all the more jarring. It disturbed him and put him on edge. It felt unnatural to have such raw emotions coming from her. Her presence alone always calmed him, her being a constant in his life, but this was the opposite. It was like a warning.

As he startled awake with teeth clenched and heart racing, his blood boiled for no reason. The tangled mess he found himself in was a minor comfort, his sheets wrapped tightly around his body as if to anchor his emotions from bubbling over. He didn’t know who or what he was angry at, only that he was furious. He knew that he must be connected with the girl somehow, for some unknown reason, and that her emotions were probably just bleeding over.

It didn’t stop him from breathing heavily for the rest of the night, nostrils flared and an aching jaw.

It didn’t put his mind at ease, even the next morning when he greeted the acolytes with a distracted nod. The feeling stuck with him for the whole day, like a intrusive infection that continued to fester and latch onto him.

The acolytes could tell there was something wrong. It was hard for anyone not to notice from his disheveled appearance and wild look in his eyes. The aura he was giving off was no better, heavy waves washing over anyone who dared to look twice in his direction.

‘ _Something has happened,_ ’ Snoke stated, mere days later.

“It is none of your concern,” Kylo gritted out, bitter that his Master decided to speak to him after days of silence. “Don’t you have someone else to take care of?”

Ignoring the jibe, Snoke’s humming echoed in Kylo’s mind. ‘ _It is hard to concentrate when even Kiza can sense you from here_. _Be careful of what you choose to do, my dear student_.’

Kylo huffed and ignored his Master’s words, opting to mull over the girl instead. Someone hurt her. The pain in his side and the imagined blood was all the proof he needed. The spike of emotions? Something happened to her, something severe if it continued to plague his waking moments. He was getting distracted. A pull to leave the planet was becoming unbearable, a need to find the person responsible and avenge her.

But he knew he couldn’t. His common sense knew it was a passing affliction, that his path with Snoke was far greater and paramount to risk it all on an unpleasant feeling. So, he used his training with the acolytes as an outlet. He demanded more from them, more than they could handle. He could see the tears in their soul crackling at what he put them through. _Good_. It was the bare minimum that Snoke had put him through. They would heal, and they would become stronger.

-

He couldn’t feel her anymore. Or at least, he couldn’t feel her anger anymore, but it stuck with him, as if he consumed her anger and lifted it off her shoulders. Her familiar muted presence reappeared a week later, but it was too late for him. He was ready to burst.

And that was when Kiza, face hidden by a mask, graced Kylo and the acolytes with her presence, after weeks and weeks of training with Snoke. She felt stronger, more powerful with her ignited red lightsaber in her hand. A darkness wafted from her, oozing heavily against Kylo and calling to him. He could practically feel the feral grin on her face when she stepped into the makeshift training area where Kylo and the acolytes were training. “You,” she snarled, pointing her saber at Kylo.

Kylo would have ignored her like the child she was, but the tension building within him recently was too much. He swiveled around with eyes narrowing and a growl rumbling at the base of his throat. “What.”

“It’s time for you to step aside,” she said, voice clear as day from behind her dark mask.

“ _Excuse me_?” Kylo could not believe his ears. “You think with just a few weeks of training and having a flashy lightsaber of questionable origin gives you the right or power to tell me what to do?” He let out a loud, deep belly laugh. “You must more deluded than I expected.”

Kiza looked beyond him and shouted to the acolytes who had long since stopped their training. “Korbus! I can’t say that I’m surprised that you submitted so willingly to this pet.”

The Devaronian stomped to her, not taking her words lightly. “Kiza, look at yourself! Properly _look at yourself_! You don’t have the power you believe you have!”

Kiza shook her head, a hysterical laugh pulling from her throat. “So, you think me as weak? Do I have to prove my worth? _To you_?” she tittered, twirling the red lightsaber around. “I’ve learnt many things since my training with Snoke. Things you would not believe. I have seen the Force and how it flows. I have seen it all. Follow me again, Korbus, and I can show you the ways of the Force. Everyone! I can show you all the true way, not whatever this imposter has been teaching you!” she spat, slashing her lightsaber through the air.

Kylo felt a grin creep up on his face, one matching Kiza’s wild one. He pushed past Korbus and ignited his own lightsaber. “How about this, Kiza? Let’s duel, a real duel, and let that determine who should stay and who should go.” He felt his saber thrum against his hand and up his spine, filling his body with the outlet he so desired. He felt Korbus resist behind him, wanting to step in deal with Kiza himself, but Kylo pushed him back with the Force. He stretched out and found Korbus and the acolytes’ minds and willed them to stay back, to do nothing. There was resistance, but not enough for them to understand what Kylo had done.

Once Korbus retreated without another word and left Kylo with Kiza, Kylo stalked towards her, the tip of his lightsaber scraping and leaving a singed dirt trail behind him. “So, how about it, Kiza? Do you accept?” The Pantoran didn’t say a word, only lashing out when Kylo was close enough. Kylo tutted and easily dodged her attack, grimacing at her foul play. “Such dirty tricks, Kiza. Says a lot about someone’s skill,” he taunted.

She swiped at him, bristling at his quips. “Maybe that is what sets us apart. And maybe that’s what will guarantee my victory.” She jumped high, higher than Kylo thought possible, and came down on him like a herd of banthas.

Their blades clashed together, a brilliant display of red and green light blinding everyone, but not the duelers. They gritted their teeth and tried to push the other to their knees. Kiza’s power caught Kylo off guard, knowing that she had zero Force abilities, and yet, she now exhibited signs of possessing such. She didn’t have the full scope of Kylo’s powers; that much was certain as he threw her back with the Force. She fell to the ground with a grunt but spun her legs around to flip back onto her feet. She charged towards Kylo once again, forcing him to defend against her parries. It was different from all his duels with Snoke, always having to spar with phantoms and never anyone or anything. This made him feel alive. It made him feel powerful. It made his training feel real.

When he threw her aside once more, he felt a niggling at the back of his mind. He snapped his head towards Kiza, eyes wide as his lowly crouching opponent stared at him, unnerving him from behind the mask. She was trying to worm her way into his mind. He couldn’t believe what he was feeling. The telltale signs of the invisible fingers trying to pry open his defences was enough to make him stumble backwards. How? How was that possible? The small stuttering was enough for Kiza to find an opening, running in zig-zag formation towards him until she was close enough to spin and elbow his midsection. He narrowly missed his stomach being sliced open, jumping away and dodging Kiza’s lightsaber before it could do any real damage.

“Doesn’t seem like much,” she jeered, pulling the mask up to reveal her face. Her eyes glittered with malice, her teeth bared in glee as she watched Kylo try to regain his senses.

With her face exposed, he felt the wave of darkness he initially felt from Kiza dissolve momentarily, only to creep back into his senses. What was it? It was so heavy and putrid, distracting him from the simplest attacks. He would feel shame at how easy she landed a hit if the foul odor didn’t make his nose crinkle in disgust. His eyes darted to the dark mask that hung off the side of her face and glimmered in the sunlight. Now that he looked at it, and properly looked at it, he could practically see the darkness spilling from the eye cutouts. It was like a beast, a monstrous beast, twirling and spinning tendrils of the Force into something sinister. Kiza’s high pitched laugh rang through the air, only to distort into cries and screams. Screams that seemed to come from the mask.

“My, my, my,” she tutted, stalking towards Kylo like he was prey. “What a disappointment this duel has become. Such weakness. How did Snoke put up with you all these years, I can only fathom.” With the butt of her palm, she slid the mask back into place and pursued him.

Kylo pushed against the brunt force of Kiza’s lightsaber, his knuckles whitening as he did his best to hold his ground. However, the fact remained that he was still bigger than her. He may not have the assistance of whatever artifact was on her head, but he had the Force, the real Force of his family coursing through his veins. He was Darth Vader’s grandson, _Anakin Skywalker’s grandson_.

_Anakin Skywalker was naturally attuned to the Force and very powerful, so it was not hard for him to hone his powers. Like him, you are extremely talented with the Force._

Those were the words Snoke himself used. He was like Anakin Skywalker, a great Force user, powerful and naturally attuned with the Force. Not some debased dark-sider imposter like Kiza. With a mighty push, Kylo shoved Kiza off him and threw her aside like a ragdoll. He breathed heavily, grip only tightening around his lightsaber as he hovered his other hand towards the fallen acolyte. His fingers curled as if grasping something invisible, his eyes unblinking as Kiza let out a terrible scream.

“What are you doing to me?!” she shrieked, her lightsaber lying on the ground, abandoned, as she clawed her face. Thick lines started to run up her mask and loud cracks echoed loudly around her. “STOP IT!”

“No,” Kylo breathed, pulling the Force and destroying the mask into a thousand pieces. He ripped his arm back and the fine meteoric metal fragments flew in all directions. He stalked towards her, excited at the fear that finally seeping onto her face. His stoic face only drew more fear. He watched with pleasure as she shuffled backwards, clumsily trying to crawl towards where her lightsaber laid. “No,” he repeated, jerking the lightsaber out of her reach. “You wanted this.”

He was merely going to knock her out and let Snoke or the acolytes deal with her; her pathetic fear was enough for him. But the closer he got, the clearer he saw her face. Steps away from her, something shifted. The blue faded from her face, replaced with a human skin tone and short hair sitting atop her head. She looked younger with smaller build, but the smile remained. The same smile that once looked at him gleefully when she stalked him moment ago. The smile that was sugary sweet and full of malice.

 _‘Nothing but a swindler, but she has taught me a lot of things_ ,’ the girl’s soft voice whispered around him, bringing nothing but more anger to him.

It was then that he let the fury show on his face. If he was frightening with his impassiveness before, he was truly fearful when his face twisted with rage. The phantom that replaced Kiza’s appearance lifted up her hand, brandishing a vibro-knife at him.

Kylo growled and slashed the offending arm, cleanly cutting off the limb without so much of a flinch. He vaguely heard Kiza cry in pain, but all he could see was the deceit within the unknown woman’s eyes.

“You,” he grumbled as he lifted his boot and stepped on Kiza’s chest. “You will hurt no more.” He pushed down, grinding his boot against her ribs.

“Wait, no, sto-!” Kiza’s desperate cries were cut off suddenly as her head rolled along the dirt, eyes open and unseeing.

In that moment, the phantom disappeared and Kylo saw what he had really done. He stumbled backwards, nose crinkling at the stench of singed flesh as he surveyed the dead Pantoran. Her head was gone, along with her right arm. There was a crackling that pulled his eyes from the corpse to his hand. The crackling was from his lightsaber, lines of breakage running down the silver handle with sparks of electricity making him drop his weapon in shock.

The lightsaber split in two upon contact with the ground, exposing his once luminous clear kyber crystal, now replaced by a foreign opaque stone with numerous cracks. “No. No, no, no,” he repeated, dropping to his knees to gently retrieve his cracked kyber crystal with his two fingers. He held it to the sunlight and noticed a figure approaching just beyond. “You,” he hissed at Snoke.

“Well done,” Snoke merely said, brimming with pride.

“You did this. You made me do this!” Kylo shouted, thrusting his palm out like a child. “Look at it!”

Snoke peered over to look at the cracked crystal. “Unfortunate.”

“Unfortunate?” Kylo seethed. “I meditated on this stone for days! This is my life! Without this, I’m no Jedi. I’m no Force user. I’m NO ONE!”

“Maybe you need to meditate on it again, cool your mind from this shocking point in your life. Understand that more can come from this.” Snoke turned to the group of acolytes that remained far from the two. “Come with me,” he called to them. “It’s time for your training.”

As Snoke led the listless group of fanatics away, Kylo caught sight of them. They seemed to be in a trance, eyes glassy and body pliant, following Snoke without hesitation. Kylo growled and look at his crystal once again. He felt so disjointed without his saber, and even more broken than his crystal. What was he to do now?

“Where are you?” he whispered, knowing he would get no response from the girl. “You showed me that swindler, the one that wronged you. Why don’t you finally show yourself?” He kicked the remains of his lightsaber, watching as the metal pieces sailed through the air. “It’s all your fault!”

Suddenly, he felt a pull, a twinge at the back of mind. He spun around, trying to find the source, only to spy the acolytes ship, unmanned and open. Not caring for Snoke or anyone, he boarded the ship and flicked the switches, engines heating up and vibrating with life. He sped through the atmosphere, through the different layers of clouds, through a layer of sudden lightning, until he was surrounded by blackness. He looked behind, thinking to find the planet but only found the void of space. No spherical planet or rectangular monolith. Nothing.

Sneering, Kylo punched the hyperdrive and whizzed through space without a second glance.

-

There was nowhere else to go. The academy was long since destroyed, the death of his fellow padawans by his hands the moment he left the planet. There was the possibility of Luke rebuilding the academy, but Kylo immediately cast the idea aside; there was no way Luke would do such a thing. It wasn’t like he was around properly for the first one. He wasn’t sure where Luke was, only that he was alive somewhere. Kylo was positive he would have felt it if his uncle died along with the padawans. He didn’t want to see his mother or father, not that either of them wanted to see them, not after what he had done to Luke’s academy.

He had nowhere to go and thus found himself wandering the droid markets he had once visited so many years ago. It felt like a lifetime had passed since he walked through the stalls and yet, they looked exactly how they did when he was just five. He pulled his cloak closer and kept his head down, not wanting to risk anyone catching sight of him.

Unwillingly, his brain conjured up memories from a time that was but a fleeting dream to him now.

_“Is there anything else you want to look at before we head back home? Your father and uncle Chewie should be back soon.”_

_“Mmmm.”_

Kylo’s unseeing eyes watched himself as a child pondered over the question.

_“That one?”_

His eyes followed where his past self pointed at. Just like he remembered, the odd stall that stuck out to him was still there, tucked away in a more secluded section of the markets. He shuffled forward until his thighs bumped against the table where trinkets and random nothings were on display, now towering over the display table. The same gold droid as he remembered was still there, overseeing the stall that no one went to. It beeped at him, as if it remembered who he was and held out its hand.

Resting in the droid’s palm was something Kylo had never seen before. It almost looked like a standard lightsaber, except it was not a model he had ever seen before. There were two ducts on either side of the dark cylinder, the hilt cracked in half with nothing but a husk of what it was once was with its wires frayed and exposed. With shaking hands, he took the broken pieces from the droid and held them together. The design was strange and it felt ancient. There were scratches over the side, as if weathered from years of use long ago.

“How much-” Kylo stopped, mid-question, and stared. The once lit up shining droid was now powered down and hunched over, no longer gold and shiny, but dull and rusted, as if it was left there for many years to rot. “What?” he muttered and then in a blink of an eye, the stall vanished all together.

He stood alone in an empty corner of the droid markets, with nothing but the broken lightsaber, still clutched in his hands.

-

Finishing his final adjustments, Kylo held the lightsaber before him. It was the first time he would try turning it on. For all he knew, there was no hope for his kyber crystal and his arm would blown off the moment he flicked the switch, but he had put too much time and placed too much of his soul into his crystal to not try. He was stubborn like that, but he didn't care. He was nothing without his crystal.

The unstable power of the lightsaber almost made him drive his saber through the console in front of him, but two beams spitting from the lateral vents seemed to hold the main blade in place. He lifted it close to his face and beads of sweat rolled down the side of his face from the heat. His green lightsaber was smooth and weightless in his hands, but this was the opposite. Even with his firm grip, the blade still shook. The serrated edges mesmerised him, almost compelling him to touch it but he kept his other hand firmly by his side. If he listened carefully, he could hear a slight crackling under the soft purr of his weapon, ironic considering its instability.

_Crackle, crackle, crackle._

He flicked the saber off and grabbed the screwdriver on the seat next to him, carefully prying the seam along the hilt until it split in two. Inside was his kyber crystal, still cracked, but burning bright red. He reached down to touch it, only to snap back with a hiss when it burned his fingers. The crystal continued to pulsate, thriving and surviving.

A smile crept onto his face. The universe would have to try a lot harder to break his soul.

-

He somehow found his way back to Snoke’s planet, the black monolith appearing before him after drifting about in the Unknown Regions for how long, Kylo could only guess. The stolen acolyte ship slipped through the monolith’s outer layer with ease and before he knew it, the emptiness of space was replaced by voluminous clouds and the harsh sunlight. With his hands firmly grasping the steering wheel, Kylo landed the ship smoothly, without so much of a bump. He stood up, but before he could retreat to the rear of the ship, he froze.

_“BEN!”_

_“D-Dad?”_

_“It’s alright kid, I got you.”_

He stared at the empty seat next to his, almost as if he could see the faint outline of his eleven year old self hugging his father. No, _Han_. Kylo clenched his teeth until his jaw stung and stomped towards the ship’s exit. That chapter of his life was long since over.

Stepping into the entrance compartment, he paused yet again, stopping himself from knocking over a heavy sack that sat atop of a bench. He stared at the sack, remembering what it contained.

Masks.

His head felt light and otherworldly as he watched himself reach inside the bag and pull a black helmet from within. It was similar to the one he had originally inspected weeks ago, except it was intact. It still had four silver lines above the darkened eye cutouts, along with a heavy metallic panel over the mouth of the mask. Like before, it called to him, whispers in the wind to draw him closer. Curiosity eventually got the better of him, his large hand grasping either side of the helmet and cautiously sliding it over his head. His thumb naturally pressed against an indentation on the side and there was a click. The dark helmet fit snugly against his head, the weight over his skull being a nice addition, along with the soft sibilation from his breathing.

‘ _You have returned. Is your mind clear?’_ Snoke whispered in his mind.

“Yes,” Kylo said out loud, exhilaration filling him when he heard his distorted voice. “Yes, it is.”

‘ _And have you found another kyber crystal_?’

He chuckled, the voice modulator deepening his laugh. “You could say that.”

‘ _Then it is time to re-introduce you to your new family. Come, Master Knight of Ren. There is much to tell you.’_

His heavy footfalls echoed throughout the ship as he marched down the ramp. The moment he saw the familiar dark robed hooded figure, Kylo brandished his new lightsaber, the screeching of his the quillon plasma blades mixing well with his robotic-like voice. “I look forward to it.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to HC that Kylo's kyber crystal cracked as a result of his first *real* killing, or something along those lines :)
> 
> In regards to paralleling Rey's life, this would be around the time Rey repaired the Ghtroc 690 and was double crossed by Devi and Strunk.
> 
> Age: 25 years old

**Author's Note:**

> I also made a thing [here](http://kuresoto.tumblr.com/post/160286368793/he-was-like-a-piece-of-paper-a-blank-slate)


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